The sound of a steady drumroll fills the air as the house lights gradually dim to black. Moments pass, and anticipation builds within the crowd.
Howley: Oh boy… are you ready, Pat?
Moss: Ready for what?
Howley: Are you ready to be… AMAZED?
Moss: Oh lordie…
The drumroll crescendos on toward a climax, until suddenly…
Golden light washes over the ring following the blasts of two perfectly synchronized explosions! When the smoke clears, the AMAZING AMARETTOS magically appear! Between them stands a towering Egyptian sarcophagus.
Moss: WHAT?! How did they get that in there?
Howley: A good magician never tells his secrets, Pat!
“Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band kicks in over the PA as Carlo and Gomez Amaretto flourish their capes and strut around the ring with dastardly, toothy grins etched on their faces. They perform synchronized twirls, and the Classic Wrestling Tag Team Titles magically appear around their waists!
Ever the showmen, the brothers exchange smirking glances and wink to each other, before both retract their wands, which apparently double as microphones.
Carlo: AVANTI, Classique Wrestling! AVANTI, you pitiful peasants and rubes!
Gomez: Now that the most AMAZING performers in the history of sports entertainment have arrived, you may FINALLY begin enjoying yourselves!
Carlo: HA-HAA!! What you quotidian lesser folk do not yet realize is how fortunate you are to be here tonight!
Gomez: Indeed! For TONIGHT, we have the most AMAZING of revelations to unveil upon you all!
Carlo: TONIGHT… the next set of doomed challengers to our magical and immortal Tag Team Championships will finally be revealed!
Gomez: And they will be revealed to ALL of us through a spell so tantalizing, it will leave you pea-brained little people absolutely spellbound and speechless! BEHOLD!
Carlo gestures to the gilded sarcophagus erected in the center of the ring.
Carlo & Gomez: THE CAIRENE CASKET OF CONJURING!!
The whatever-it’s-called is elaborately sculpted and painted in a way to look like an Egyptian pharaoh, albeit with the familiar Amaretto sneering grin. There’s a slit running down its center.
Carlo: An ancient magical relic handed down by the cosmic caliphs of the elder age!
Gomez: It is said that through it, the most powerful of wizards can summon forth anything and anyone of worthy fortitude!
Carlo: Which is EXACTLY what Gomez and I are looking for! WORTHY challengers to MASTERFUL SHOWMEN such as ourselves! As we’ve said many times before… we DO – NOT – WORK with AMATEURS!
Gomez: But enough banter, Carlo! Let us begin! People of Classique Wrestling, prepare yourselves once again, for you are about to be…
The brothers wink to each other as they wind themselves up. The fans audibly groan.
Carlo & Gomez: AMAAAAAAAZED!!
Carlo and Gomez turn toward the sarcophagus and extend their arms, fingers trembling as they project all of their magic power into the receptacle.
Carlo: Albacore! Oglethorpe! Igneous! O’DOUL’S!!
Gomez: Deliver to the Amarettos a tandem of FOOLS!
Through their combined powers of MAGIC, the front of the sarcophagus splits down the middle and parts open. Smoke pours out from within, until figures emerge from the haze…
Bowie Abrams: Whoa, dude, talk about a majestically magical trip!
The Classic Wrestling fans let out a cheer as Bowie looks around the ring and out to the crowd.
Bradlee Nelson: Bro this is wild, one minute we’re in catering chowing on Primantis and then the next we’re out here!
Howley: Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me…
Moss: Surf Express Bro are in the house, and if that magic…whatever it is…is for real, then they’re the next challengers for the Amarettos!
Howley: Y’know what? Magic is stupid and I want a refund.
The Amarettos look both dumbstruck and flabbergasted.
Carlo: You two?! AGAIN!?
Gomez: Preposterous! Outrageous! Inconceivable!
Bowie: Bro, like….you use that word but I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Bradlee: Totally, dude.
Both of the Amarettos look like their brains have melted.
Carlo: We must send these beach buffoons away! Immediately!!
Gomez: What are you talking about?! The Cairene Casket of Conjuring only works one way!
Carlo: ZOUNDS! Then…
Gomez: The devil do I know?! Let’s just call forth someone or something that can get rid of bothersome aquamancers!!
Carlo: Ugh, FINE! Falstaff! Ferenghi! Baklava! DOUBLEDAY!
Gomez: Bring someone quick to cast these accursed hippies AWAY!
The magical sarcophagus splits open again. When the smoke clears and a single figure appears, the crowd pops wildly.
Carlo & Gomez: SUZIE?!?
The not-so-lovely assistant to the magician tandem shrugs and takes a drag off her menthol Pall Mall, dead-eyed and indifferent to the situation as always. Meanwhile, a chant picks up in the crowd…
“SU-ZIE!! SU-ZIE!! SU-ZIE!! SU-ZIE!!”
This favorable reaction is not lost to the Amarettos, who look absolutely nonplussed.
Carlo: You reprehensible female! What did we tell you about stealing our spotlight?!
Gomez: Begone at once!
Suzie rolls her eyes and stays put. The fans are NOT happy.
Carlo: SILENCE, you detestable peons! WE are the show here!
Gomez: We are the AMAZING AMARETTOS!! We are the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS of CLASSIQUE WRESTLING, and you WILL RESPECT US!!
The Gnarly Ones look at each other, then look at Suzie, then look back to the Amarettos
Bowie: Not for anything bros but like, no one’s gonna respect you if you’re yelling at women.
Bradlee: My compadre of the coast is right, my dudes. And like, also, you totally harsh everyone’s vibes by being rude and cranky all the time.
Bowie: You Magic Bros need to chill out, and lucky for you, you called on the right people to help!
Bradlee: We’re gonna show you the errors of your wicked wizardly ways at Capital Clash. Bad dudes don’t win in the end, bros!
The challenge has been made…accepted…whatever! The studio fans love it nonetheless, and pile on the cheers as Bowie and Bradlee high-five in the ring. The Amarettos are less than thrilled, though.
Carlo: Gomez, what do we do about these two?
Gomez: Ehhh, uhhmm… GET ‘EM!!
Both Amarettos leap at the Bros and we’ve got ourselves a donnybrook! Fists and feet are flying while Suzie posts up against a corner and watches her “men” quickly have – and lose – the upper hand against Bowie and Bradlee. The Bros eventually toss the Amarettos from the ring, but not before relieving them of the tag titles first!
Howley: Hey, those don’t belong to you clowns, give them back!
Moss: They might be theirs soon enough!
Both Bowie and Bradlee take a moment to hold the tag titles aloft, while Carlo and Gomez try to collect themselves outside of the ring. Suzie finally makes her way between the ropes and to the back, leaving the Amarettos behind.
Moss: It’s gonna be one heck of a rematch at Capital Clash! We’ll be right back!