#New World Symphony, 4th Movement#
Eddie Dante is out first, leading his Foreign Legion to the ring. The fans are all over them as Mushigihara and Leon Van Zandt stalk to the ring with intent and intensity plastered on both of their faces. Dante, for his part, waves his cane in the faces of a couple of extra-boisterous fans at ringside.
Howley: I like this Eddie Dante!
Moss: You would.
Howley: What’s that supposed to mean, Moss?
Dante climbs the steps, wipes his feet on the apron, and steps through the ropes deliberately before corralling his men for some last-minute instructions.
#You’re the Best Around#
Moss: Could you at least try to be professional, for once?
Howley: You’d better remember who you’re talkin’ to, Jack! Just because I’m currently on “extended hiatus” from active wrestling doesn’t mean I can’t still tie you into a knot!
Lunchbox Larry bebops out from behind the curtain with a big smile on his face to match the big muscles on his big frame. A small “Larry! Larry!” chant breaks out and the green grappler can’t help but turn beet red, blushing at the attention. Not to be outdone, Bobby Dean waddles out behind Larry, his face the cherubic vision of beauty, and both Classic Tag Team Titles strapped together, around his bulbous waistline. He steps in front of Larry and starts mouthing “Bobby! Bobby!” as he imagines that all of the adulations belong to him and nobody else. After all, Lunchbox Larry is just some man and not a national television star like Bobby!
Moss: Anyway. Here comes the Tag Champs!
Howley: You mean here comes the Tag Champ and some man, HA!
It takes a few minutes and more than a little help from Lunchbox Larry, but eventually Bobby Dean makes it into the ring with both belts still strapped around his ample waist. It was everything he had, though, and just as Mushi and LVZ are about to bumrush him Bobby bends over, hands on knees, and huffs and puffs to catch his breath. He holds up a finger toward the referee and begs for a moment to catch his breath.
Moss: For the life of me I can’t see what you like about this guy. He’s blown up just from getting into the ring! With HELP!
Howley: Shows what you know, Moss, watch and learn…
Eddie Dante is having none of this as he commands his men to charge, the referee has no choice but to call for the bell and we’re underway!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Just as the bell rings Mushi and LVZ hurl themselves at Bobby, smothering him in the corner! Mushi goes high with a series of alternating elbows and chops while Van Zandt goes low, drilling into Bobby’s breadbasket with shoulder block after shoulder block!
Moss: You know, Leon Van Zandt and Mushigihara are not small men, but even together they only barely make up one Bobby Dean.
Howley: Exactly! You just wait, any minute now and Bobby’s gonna turn it all around!
With a girlish screech and a mighty heave, Bobby hurls both men nearly across the ring to get them off of him. For a man with absolutely no muscle mass, he’s apparently as strong as an ox! Eddie Dante is beside himself at ringside, fuming at his men as they scramble to their feet. Meanwhile, Bobby unstraps the title belts and after only a slight hesitation he leans through the ropes and hands them over to Larry for safekeeping.
BBD: You take these back to the locker room and GUARD THEM WITH YOUR LIFE! Don’t let my babies out of your sight! Now I know this is a big step, but I’m trusting you!
Larry cradles the belts like a set of newborn twins and he gives Bobby a wink and a thumbs-up before taking leave of the ringside area. Bobby turns his attention back to the match at hand just in time to eat a running big boot from LVZ that wobbles Bobby back into the corner. Mushi follows up with a big-time splash that has Bobby seeing little birdies before he stumbles into a drop toe-hold from Van Zandt that who traps the legs of the bulbous beaut’ for Mushi to drop a huge flying senton down over Bobby’s back! The two Legionnaires combine their effort to roll Bobby over and both of them jump on top for an attempted pinfall.
Not today, Satan!
Bobby kicks out with authority, sort of, sending Mushi and LVZ flying again. This time they’re ready though and are immediately back on the attack before Bobby has time to roll over and attempt to get back to his feet.
Moss: I’ve got to say, even though Bobby has the coordination of a potato and the gumption of a burned-out strand of Christmas lights, he’s showing me a little something here tonight.
Howley: Like the heart of a champion?
Moss: Well, not exactly…
Bobby covers up and tries to tuck his gut in enough to find the fetal position as Mushi and LVZ show no quarter in stomping at him like they’re trying out for the Varsity Step Squad! A closeup shot catches a little bit too much of the crack of his backside poking out of his ill-fitting tights before an irate video director calls for a camera jump before any of the viewers at home can get sick and vomit at the site.
Howley: Heh, I guess right there he’s showin’ you a whole lot!
The match continues for a few minutes with Bobby taking a beating the likes that no man should ever have to endure, yet somehow managing to survive by sheer force of girth! Eventually, Eddie Dante gets up on the apron just like last time, waving around his cane and getting the attention of the referee while his men set up something devious.
Moss: Here we go again!
Mushi grabs Bobby just as Dante manages to work a misdirect on the referee and slip the cane in to Leon Van Zandt. Bobby’s face contorts in terror, but before LVZ can take his head off with the cane Lunchbox Larry has reappeared, this time with his trusty lunchbox rather than the tag team title belts! Bobby shrieks.
BBD: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE MY BABIES?
Mushigihara lets Bobby go and lunges at Larry, who drops to the apron and pulls the rope down low-bridging Mushi right up and over the ropes and down to the floor! LVZ takes a swipe at Larry with the cane but the youngster is hip to his shenanigans and drops down to the floor where he opens the Lunchbox and pulls out a big yellow and orange bag of Circus Peanuts that he tosses into the ring to a delighted Bobby Dean!
Howley: HAHA! I love it, Moss!
Bobby doesn’t even bother to open the bag before chomping down on it! Circus Peanuts go everywhere as he greedily gobbles up as many as he can.
BBD: OM NOM NOM!!!
He goes into some kind of sugar convulsion that reminds 90s kids of The Great Bungholio before roaring something unintelligible at the universe and hulk-flexing out a bunch of muscles that had up until now been hidden under several dozen layers of fat. He grabs the distracted Leon from behind and throws him up, over, and down onto his neck and shoulders with a mighty Backdrop Suplex that folds the European grappler in half and sends Dante’s cane careening into the first row. The referee, having finally broken free of Dante turns around just in time to catch Beautiful Bobby Dean take off like a really slow locomotive! He hits the far ropes, waddles back across the ring as fast as he can to hit the near ropes, then launches himself up as high as he can (which is not very) and lands butt-first on the chest of Leon Van Zandt!
Moss: BEAUTIFUL BUTT DROP!!!
Howley: BBD! BBD! BBD HITS THE BBD!
The referee jumps into position and slaps the mat with gusto.
…wait for it.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
At ringside, Eddie Dante is not a happy man. Just as Lunchbox Larry slides into the ring to celebrate with Bobby, Eddie has snatched his cane back from the fan who caught it and started walloping Mushigihara with it, berating him all the way out of the ringside area and leaving a flattened Leon Van Zandt in the ring.
#You’re the Best Around#
Moss: He did it! Bobby Dean has defeated the Foreign Legion in a handicapped match!
After a moment of hopping around like schoolgirls, Bobby finally starts to come out of his sugar-induced psychosis to realize that Larry isn’t carrying the Tag Team title belts. He backs away from his partner and with a look of horror on his face bails out of the ring and does his best powerwalk toward the backstage area.
BBD: MY BABIES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABIES?!
Howley: Uh-oh! Larry’s gone and done it now!