On an empty soundstage, we know not where are two large azaleas, and between them two chairs facing each other.
On one chair is Craig Massey. On the other is Scott Hunter.
Both men are silhouetted in shadow as the instrumental to Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out For a Hero” plays. Hunter makes a little gesture with his hands, and the lights slowly come up.
Massey: Now what?
Hunter: Dammit Massey, your lines!
Massey: Oh, right. Um, last week my… (he struggles to read the paper in his hand) …”SUPREMELY TALENTED” and very handsome friend, Scott Hunter lost his first match here in Classic Wrestling. Tonight, he will explain to everyone just why… (he struggles again) … he is still the future of the sport and Lieutenant Commander Geordi La-vette is a dirty Texan with bad hygiene habits. (He lowers the paper) Really? Bad hygiene? Is that true?
Hunter: I saw a family of crab lice in his mustache. That’s almost never okay.
Massey: I see.
Hunter: What I’d like to do is show everyone a videotape of what REALLY happened last week. JAMES!!
Hunter claps a hand and a picture-in-picture pops onto the screen. We can clearly see Craig Massey dressed in a ridiculous cowboy costume, with spurs, sequins, and a little Sheriff’s star on his chest.
Massey: (gasping) Oh my God…. I thought this was just for us…. I don’t think I want to be here for this.
With that, Massey stands up, preparing to walk away. Hunter stands and bellows in his general direction.
Hunter: YOU SHALL WITNESS THE BATTLE, OLD MAN! ~~~ I MEAN ~~~ I cherish our time together. Please, sit.
(Hunter gestures to the chair and Massey stands there staring for a moment, then slowly retakes his seat. Hunter sits down as well.)
Massey: Honestly, I thought you said that tape was only for our bros on our intramural basketball team.
Hunter: (Irritated) You’re right, it is. But those bros are my bros, not yours. From this point forward, I forbid you from liking anything I like.
Massey: Yeah, you can’t do that.
Hunter: Oh, I can. Starting now, stay away from the following Scott Hunter trademark hobbies and interests: Globetrotters, karate, Bo staff, Air Jordans, competitive kiting, extreme BMXing, hot showers, conga lines, and diving into an icy river with a knife in your mouth. I own that move. I also claim skittles and soda.
Massey: (taken aback) You can’t claim an entire genre of beverage. That’s madness!
Hunter: And it’s mine! I also own roller skating, eating chili, half and full nelsons, Chuck Norris, and boobs.
Massey: No! That’s too far. You can’t claim boobs. Everyone likes boobs.
Hunter: Have fun sticking to your dumb hobbies like robots and glasses.
Massey: (Instinctively pushing his glasses up on his nose. Glasses aren’t a hobby. They’re a corrective accessory to combat my wandering eyeball.
Hunter: Exactly! You stay in your lame nerdy world, and I’ll stay in my awesome one. Anyway, you’ve distracted me enough. This is about Geordi La-vette. I don’t care if he was awesome on Reading Rainbow. This travesty will not stand. I want another shot at that sloppy unfilled jelly donut. And I will pound my hands into his face until he cries on John Wayne’s grave over what a failure he has become.
Massey: Why don’t you just learn from it and prepare for whoever your next opponent might be?
Hunter: (Shaking his head disapprovingly) You are a stupid person.
Massey: Okay. How will you make this happen, then?
Hunter: I may have suffered a loss at the hands of that blubbery overcooked brisket, but it’s like Chicago once sang, I’m a man. Does he think punching cows is intimidating? Why would I care if he wants to punch HIS MOTHER or not??
Hunter smiles, very satisfied with his joke. Massey just shakes his head.
Hunter: I will have my revenge, and then I will go on to the career of greatness I’m destined for. Then, I’ll retire at thirty-eight because I’m realistic and I know these looks won’t last. So I’ll start a super popular fashion store in the mall for hip teenagers called “Scott Topic”, and then BOOM! I retire to a beach mansion in Kokomo without you.
Massey blinks, then shakes this whole thing off
Massey: Great. Well, at least you have a plan.
Hunter nods smugly as the lights slowly go back down, and “Holding Out For a Hero” plays again.