All six contenders mill around inside the ring, keeping just enough distance between each other so that a fight doesn’t break out before this Battle Royal. The referees assigned to this affair are stationed outside of the ring, their only job here is to call eliminations. Harold Robbins steps to the center of the ring, microphone in hand.
Robbins: The following contest is a BATTLE ROYAL! Elimination will occur when a wrestler is ejected from the ring over the top ropes and both of their feet touch the ground below! The match will continue until there is one man left standing, and that man will be named the inaugural Classic Wrestling Premier American Champion!
RAAAAAAAH!
Robbins: Introducing the competitors… Carlos Ruiz! Freddy Kilgore! Jack Fargo! Randall Schwartz! Shujin Yama! And Vito Valentino!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
Howley: Have I said how silly Valentino looks in the getup and that facepaint?
Moss: The fans here in Cleveland sure seem to approve!
Robbins: Gentlemen… Let’s get ready to BAAAAAAAATTLE!!!
The Ring Announcer scurries from the ring at the last possible moment before one of the referees calls for the bell!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Moss: Here we go!
Howley: My money’s on Shujin Yama, Moss, who ya got?
Moss: You know, I think Jack Fargo-
The overzealous young bronze medalist charges in at Yama. Moving quicker than any sumo has a right to move, Shujin easily intercepts Fargo and launches him up and over the top ropes where he then goes tumbling hard to the floor.
Moss: -is not gonna be my pick.
Howley: Ha! I see what you did there, Moss! So long, Fargo, thanks for coming!
Robbins: Jack Fargo has been eliminated!
Moss: Maybe I’ll take Vito Valentino! He looks like he’s ready to go to war!
Howley: Looks to me like he got into Kilgore’s fingerpaints!
At ringside Sensei Abe Lincoln cackles with glee as Fargo gets to his feet and starts his walk of shame. Inside the ring, the four men left not named Shujin Yama share a knowing glance, coming to a silent consensus to band together to take out the biggest threat first.
Moss: Looks like your pick might be out next, Thunderbird!
Howley: Show’s what you know.
Kilgore, Metro, Ruiz, and Schwartz begin to circle the sumo. Yama laughs heartily and beckons them on, eager to meet the challenge. On some silent cue, all four men spring into motion! Kilgore goes high, unleashing a mighty clubbing forearm on Yama. At the same time, Ruiz goes low with a basement dropkick that staggers Yama. Metro steps in and starts unloading body shots to the ample midsection of the sumo, who takes it all with savage determination! Randall Schwartz feigns an assisting attack only to hold his ground and grin like an idiot, tapping the side of his head as if he’s the smartest man in the universe.
Moss: Yama’s taking a lot of shots, Joel!
Howley: All part of the plan, Moss, you just wait.
As the trio of wrestlers press the attack on the sumo, Randall Schwartz leans back in the far corner, making a big show of how he’s got time to kick back and put his feet up while his lessers take care of the light work at hand. The only problem with his plan is that said light work is a massive grappler with incredible strength, and just as his attackers begin to smother him he pushes back with all of his might and sends all three men sprawling backward.
Howley: HAHA! Told ya!
The Entertainer gets a chuckle at the expense of Metro, Ruiz, and Kilgore. That is until the three of them regain their feet and take notice of Schwartz’s mockery and machinations. Kilgore reaches out and grabs Schwartz from his perch on the turnbuckle and hurls him into a stunning Superkick from Carlos Ruiz that crosses Schwartz’s eyes and sends him stumbling into the waiting grasp of Vito Valentino who drops him hard with the Brooklyn Backbreaker!
Moss: Looks like Randall Schwartz is catching a stiff case of KARMA!
Howley: Looks like to me he’s catching a world-class butt-whuppin’!
Yama watches on from across the ring as Kilgore loudly directs Metro and Ruiz to pick Schwartz up. They do, and Kilgore takes off like a shot, obliterating Schwartz with a running big boot that sends Schwartz up and over the top rope! He bounces on the apron hard and falls to the floor, rolling back first into the ringside guardrails.
Moss: The Call of the Wild! He got all of that one!
Robbins: Randall Schwartz has been eliminated!
Howley: Look at that, Moss! We’re barely two minutes in and two guys are already gone!
Moss: That just goes to show you the unpredictability of this kind of match!
Yama charges, catching everyone by surprise with a big splash in the corner that squashes Ruiz and Metro! Kilgore only managed to escape the sumo’s wrath by sheer force of momentum after kicking Randall Schwartz into orbit. Metro staggers out of the corner into the waiting hands of Yama who grabs him, pops his hips, and crushes Vito with a beautifully applied side belly-to-belly suplex!
Howley: See Moss, pure Yama domination! Or as I like to call it: YAMANATION!
Kilgore, feeling the spirit of the wild, makes his move before Yama has time to turn on him first. He throws a double-axehandle across Yama’s back that stuns the giant sumo and then peppers in a couple of boots before grabbing him by the topknot and dragging him up to his feet. Kilgore, almost hyperventilating, takes off in a maniacal circle, lifting both arms to signify that he’s either about to raise the roof or bodyslam the big man!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Moss: He’s gonna bodyslam Yama!
Howley: HA! He does and I’ll eat a shoe.
Papa Wild Thing grabs Yama and lifts…
Moss: He’s giving it all he’s got!
…but the Sumo Mountain doesn’t so much as budge.
Howley: TOLD YA SO!
Kilgore redoubles his efforts and tries again but Yama shrugs him off. Kilgore grabs at his aching lower back before walking right into Yama’s mighty grasp! He’s lifted up and over with a beautiful Samoan Drop that flattens the Wild Stallion! In the meantime, it looks like Carlos Ruiz has gotten himself up and back into the action, as he perched high on the top turnbuckle!
Moss: Hey wait a minute, what’s Ruiz doing?
Howley: Taking stupid risks is what it looks like!
Ruiz flies with grace and slams both feet square into the chest of Yama! The big man is once again staggered, but doesn’t yet drop to the mat! Ruiz is up again on the opposite turnbuckle! He’s called the attention of Freddy Kilgore over to him and Kilgore immediately knows what the plan is!
Moss: They’re planning something big, T-bird!
Howley: It’s a conspiracy against Yama!
Moss: Oh, get off the cross! We need the wood.
Yama shakes it off and turns around to continue the fight, only for a flying Carlos Ruiz to come rocketing into him!
Howley: WHOA!
Moss: FREDDY KILGORE JUST THREW CARLOS RUIZ AT YAMA!
Strong as he is, there’s no catching a 200lb man after he’s been launched off the top rope by a guy with the strength of a Freddy Kilgore! However, Yama knows momentum when he’s presented with it and he manages to get Ruiz over the top rope before slumping back into the corner himself!
Howley: Ruiz is out!
Moss: No he’s not! He’s still on the apron!
Vito Valentino has watched all of this happen. He makes a move and charges into the corner and crushes Yama with a nasty clothesline! From the apron, Ruiz hops up and pops Yama on the back of the head with an enzugiri! Yama is staggered again! Ruiz climbs the turnbuckle one more time and Vito makes a command decision…
Howley: HA! VALENTINO PUSHED HIM OFF!
He did. Ruiz barely made it to the top before Metro shoved him off and down to the floor!
Robbins: Carloz Ruiz has been eliminated!
Moss: And then there were three!
The three men left in the ring all take a moment to catch their breath and take in the situation. Kilgore and Valentino end up on one side, with Yama grinning on shouting at them from the other. Valentino and Kilgore have a quick pow-wow, something about being “brothers in paint” and wild spirits combining with metropolitan heart. It’s all very hilarious to Yama. That is until he gets real serious, real fast.
Howley: Look at my guy Yama! He’s about to crush these two painted-up freaks like bugs!
Moss: He certainly seems intent on doing exactly that!
Shujin Yama crouches and grins a mile-wide grin, and slaps his belt hard before yelling out in Japanese at Kilgore and Valentino. Neither of them seems to have a clue what’s going on. Yama claps his hands then raises his right leg as high as possible and stomps the mat, shaking the ring, then repeats the process with his left. Yama’s girth and power rattle the entire ringside area before he crouches down into the deepest flat-backed stance that either of his opponents had ever seen.
Howley: It’s on now, Moss!
Yama charges in and starts battering both men! He pushes them back against the ropes with a series of palm strikes and sheer size and power and quickly has both men in a compromising position! It doesn’t last though as Kilgore and Valentino are both big hosses themselves and they both can take some punishment! Before long the two of them fight back and push Yama back into the ropes! Metro grabs a massive leg and lifts it up in an attempt to get some leverage on the sumo while Kilgore lands blow after teeth-chattering blow to Yama’s head!
Moss: Uh-oh! They’ve got Shujin reeling!
Howley: This is a hate crime, Moss! It’s not fair to Yama!
Yama manages to grab Kilgore by the hair and give him a massive headbutt! It drives the wild man back a step and Yama goes to work on Metro with a giant clubbing blow over the shoulders that drops him to his knees. Yama gets both feet back on the ground, sucks in some air, and is just about to try and lift Valentino up when he eats a savage running boot from the recovered Freddy Kilgore!
Moss: CAAAAALL OF THE WIIIIIILD!
Vito Valentino redoubles his efforts with Yama’s leg, this time getting it up and over the top rope! Kilgore sees the opening and charges in, adding his power to Metro’s leverage and Yama is quickly unbalanced and teetering! He struggles to wrap his arms and legs up in the ropes, anything to keep himself from elimination!
Howley: Where’s Abe Lincoln? DOOOO SOMETHING!
But there’s nothing to be done.
Freddy Kilgore roars, he drops his shoulders and gets under Yama’s girth to add to Valentino’s leverage, and he lifts with everything that he’s got! Yama goes over the top rope but he hangs onto Vito Valentino for everything he’s worth!
Moss: Yama’s going over!
Howley: So is Valentino!
Kilgore digs in and gives one final shove.
The sumo loses his grip on the ropes and falls. He lands hard on the floor.
Robbins: Shujin Yama has been eliminated!
Vito Valentino lands right on top of Yama, knocking the air out of the big man for the second time in as many seconds! Metro tries valiantly to hold his balance but one mighty shift of Yama’s girth puts Vito on the floor right beside the big sumo.
Moss: FREDDY KILGORE HAS DONE IT!
Robbins: Vito Valentino has been eliminated!
Howley: NO! ANYBODY BUT KILGORE!
Robbins: Your winner… and NEEEEEEEEEEEW PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPION…
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Robbins: FERAL! FREDDY! KIIIIIIIIIILGOOOOOOOOOORE!!!
#Wild Side#
At ringside Sensei Abe Lincoln is beside himself. Vito Valentino rolls away from Yama and sits, dejected, with his back against the guardrail. Shujin Yama is absolutely apoplectic.
Moss: Papa Wild Thing has done it! He’s beaten the odds and become the champion!
Howley: Blah, blah, blah, Shujin Yama should have won and you know it!
Out from the back is Rush Starling! He makes his way down the aisle, giving the enraged Shujin Yama a wide berth as he trots down to ringside. He kneels beside Valentino and gives him a quick word of encouragement before sliding into the ring. Referee Kevin Klady has retrieved the Premier American title belt from the timekeeper’s table and is just about to enter the ring with it when Rush Starling plucks it out of his hands.
Moss: Look at this!
Howley: He’s gonna blast him with the belt!
Moss: Oh be quiet! He is not!
Starling turns around and presents the belt to its rightful owner. Kilgore takes it and raises it high in the air for all the Little Wild Things big and small to share in the victory with him! Starling shakes his hand and Kilgore pulls him in for a very manly bro-hug before Rush raises Kilgore’s other hand and points at his friend.
And the crowd goes bananas.
Howley: What a disgusting display!
Moss: Get in the bin, Howley, you’re witnessing an outstanding display of sportsmanship, with one world-class wrestler congratulating another on his hard-earned success!
Howley: Bah humbug!