Welcome To Classic Wrestling: Episode 21
The Classic Wrestling fans are going crazy in the studio as we come onto the air. The cameras zoom past them as they all stand and cheer. I’m sure most of the fans at home are doing the same. The cameras come to rest on Otto Price behind his podium. He smiles from ear to ear as the tones of AC/DC begin to fade out. He speaks into his microphone as we open the show.
Price: Welcome Classic Wrestling fans to the 21st airing of Classic Wrestling on RBTV! I’m your host, Otto Price!
The studio gets loud with applause.
Price: We’re two weeks from CLASSICMANIA and I for one cannot wait to see what happens when some of the biggest industry stars around the world compete on the biggest Classic stage of all! Coming to you LIVE from Detroit, Michigan at the Joe Louis Arena on Monday, June 27th! Call your local TicketBlaster and get locked in today! Tickets are going fast!
People rummage through their pockets for quarters and run to the nearest payphone to order.
Price: We’ll also be live on PAY PER VIEW! Call your local cable provider and DEMAND CLASSICMANIA!
“CLASS-IC! CLASS-IC! CLASS-IC!”
Price: Tonight we’ve got THREE huge matchups for you as well as so many Classic Wrestling stars in the building! We’re going to hear from some of your favorites, and maybe some of your more ill-favored wrestlers! In the MAIN EVENT of the evening we’ve got a HUGE tag team match with championship stipulations! The team of HAUL and GNASH known collectively as REPOSSESSED, will take on Premier American Champion King Kong Frank, and Scott Hunter! Now from what I’m told Scott Hunter has not yet arrived here this evening so we’ll keep you up to date on that as the night progresses!
There’s a mixed reaction from the crowd as the camera pans over them. Then we see a young lady dressed up like Lunchbox Larry! You know she’s ready for some BDSM action!
Price: All of that plus so much more! Welcome everyone to Classic Wrestling on RBTV!
Four Tons of Hate
The distinguished voice of Otto Price is heard over footage of serious men doing serious work in a foundry: shaping, cutting and grinding steel bars.
Price: Classic Wrestling is no stranger to violent exchanges. What are wrestling bouts, if not one man trying to impose his will on another through the application of force and cunning?
Onscreen a man with heavy gloves, a fireproof apron and a face shield sands the edges of one of the bars, sending sparks flying towards the camera.
Price: There is a time and place for violence, inside the wrestling ring. But there are times when tempers flare, and the ring cannot contain them. When the rules that constrain a wrestling match are not enough to constrain the men who compete within the ropes. Classic Wrestling has seen this before.
Footage from In Your Haunted House shows Lord Colossus and King Kong Frank whipping each other with chains transitions to footage of Beautiful Bobby Dean cracking Undercover Lover with a loaded sock at Capital Clash before finally returning to King Kong Frank at the same event, in his best red, white and blue face paint, retrieving Old Glory at the end of his Flag Match against Shujin Yama.
Price: At Capital Clash, “All Business” Alex Bruder defeated “Feral” Freaddy Kilgore by disqualification, when Classic Wrestling’s Apex Predator got carried away with a weapon Alex Bruder brought into the match. Perhaps all of the animosity could have stopped there. But Alex Bruder attacked a family that were guests of Freddy Kilgore’s, mocking a young fan and putting hands on that boy’s father.
The corresponding footage plays with Price’s speech.
Price: This did not sit well with Papa Wild Thing.
Perhaps an understatement, as we see cuts of Kilgore viciously attacking Bruder at ringside, in the ring, in the locker room, and in the shower.
Price: Fueled by rage, Freddy Kilgore lashed out, but knew that fire that burned that hot could not sustain forever. A challenge was made…and accepted.
We return to footage of the steel workers welding together the bars that will make up the steel cage, then dissolving into them being sprayed a rich, vibrant blue color.
Price: At ClassicMania, “Feral” Freddy Kilgore will face “All Business” Alex Bruder in Classic Wrestling’s first Steel Cage Match. Surrounded by four tons of steel, made in the heart of Ohio, there will be no room to run and no place to hide. These two men will square off in the ring one final time. One man will win, and one man will lose. But neither man will ever be the same.
Price finishes, and the silence is paired with a graphic for the match: ClassicMania – Kilgore vs Bruder, inside a steel cage. Only on pay-per-view
Time For Me To Get Real
Classic Wrestling superstar Jay Evans comes from behind the curtain. He gets a smattering of boos before walking over to Otto Price and his podium.
Otto Price: Jay Evans! This is an unexpected visit! You have something to say to great fans of Classic Wrestling?
Jay Evans: Yo let me give you some real talk . Everyone in the back knows I have been losing a lot but I still get back up and look I still get back up and occasionally from time to time not being able to walk thanks to someone in the back but next week is mania and if I lose and if I don’t get back up I’ll stop . I will stop wrestling and continue to make music but if I win and get back up I will show everyone that I am better than you think , than you all think . So all there is left to say is to say is I am sorry for everything and see you at Classic mania.
Otto Price: There you have it! A confident Jay Ev…
From behind Jay Evans is blindsided by Randall Schwartz with a microphone. The feedback cuts across the arena and all the fans wince. Evans is face down, Randall stomps a few times before yelling at Otto.
Randall Schwartz: JAY EVANS! You want a match at CLASSICMANIA!? Well, I do too and I don’t currently have a dancing partner! So consider this your invitation!
The Hollywood “star” starts dropping more and more stomps around the ribs of Jay Evans. Otto tries to pull Randall Schwartz off as we cut to commercial break.
BDSM vs The Black Belts
We come back to ringside, where we see Harold Robbins and Kevin Clady have been joined in the ring by the teams of BDSM and the Black Belts before we cut to commentary!
Moss: And here we go, folks! Tag team action up ahead, our first such contest of the night as Bobby Dean and Lunchbox Larry take on Ken Roddy and Joe Jitsu!
Howley: I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razy…and this is gonna get real nuts, real quick!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…the team of Beautiful Bobby Dean and Lunchbox Larry…B-D-S-M!
The crowd cheer for Dean and Larry, the latter of whom seems really eager to get this tag bout underway.
Robbins: And their opponents…the team of Ken Roddy and Joe Jitsu…THE BLACK BELTS!
The crowd shows a bit of appreciation for the fairly-new team in Classic Wrestling, who respond in kind with a bow. With both teams ready, Clady calls for the bell to start this match!
We kick things off with Larry and Roddy, with the Big Box Man looking to lock up…but Ken quickly ducking out of the way, sending a swift kick to Larry for his troubles! Roddy stays on the attack, following up with some more kicks to wear down the, uh, slightly less big man before making a tag to Jitsu!
Moss: Oh boy, Larry is starting to look out of his element here!
Howley: I don’t think he was quite expecting the storm coming to him from these Black Belts!
The two unleash a double-team flurry of strikes on Larry before sending him to the ropes, hitting an impressive double dropkick! Larry is down as Roddy goes out, while Jitsu goes for the cover!
Larry kicks out, much to the surprise of Jitsu…but Larry is back to his feet, and he is fighting back! With some kicks and punches of his own, Larry is able to fight back Jitsu before ending him into the corner…and delivering a hard splash that sandwiches him against the turnbuckles! Jitsu looks out of it as Larry takes him down with a bulldog, and goes for the cover!
Jitsu kicks out, clearly showing a bit of fighting spirit in the process! Back to his feet, Jitsu lets Larry know what he thinks with a flurry of offense that culminates in a high jump kick…but Larry ducks it! Larry rolls forward, reaching out and tagging Bobby Dean in, garnering a big pop from the crowd!
Moss: Here we go, Bobby Dean is in and he’s ready to go!
Howley: As ready as he’ll ever be, at least!
Dean hops in as Jitsu charges at him…and ends up bouncing off! The force wasn’t enough to really impact the Beautiful one, who brings Jitsu up to his feet before bopping him with an elbow to the head! That impact is enough to drop Jitsu right back down, and Dean follows with some boots to the midsection to wear the Black Belt down. Eventually, feeling he’s done enough damage, Bobby sets a foot on Joe’s chest…not out of cockiness, but out of necessity…and Clady makes the count!
Roddy runs in, breaking the count up with a dropkick to the back of Bobby…that sends the big man roughly two and a half steps away, but it’s enough to stop the count all the same! Larry runs in now, and chaos ensues as the four come to blows! Clady does everything he can to bring order to the affairs, finally getting Larry and Roddy back to their respective corners as Bobby once again gets Jitsu up to his feet…only to be taken to the corner with another dropkick by Jitsu! Jitsu makes the tag to Roddy, and the pair try their absolute best to wear the much bigger man down with an absolute rush of hard strikes! Jitsu goes back to the corner as Roddy goes for the cover…but barely even gets a one count when Larry runs in to break it up!
Moss: Larry is not having any of it with the Black Belts tonight!
Howley: Oh boy, he’s getting real brave isn’t he?
Larry doesn’t get much of a chance to follow up however, as Roddy unleashes some more strikes on the Big Box Man, sending him back out of the ring…but the distraction gave Bobby a chance to slowly get back to his feet, and he looks ready to stop Roddy cold in his tracks! Roddy turns around, where Bobby is waiting…and the big man hits some big-time punches on the Black Belt! One punch, two punch, three punch, four…and an elbow to the head hurts Roddy even more, sending him to the canvas hard!
Moss: Down goes Roddy! Down goes Roddy!
Howley: This could be the end of the road, Pat!
Dean hits the ropes, as best he can anyway, and eventually drops onto Roddy with full force, hitting the Earthquake Splash right on Roddy’s chest! Bobby stays seated as Clady makes the count, as Larry rushes Jitsu to stop him breaking it up!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners…BOBBY DEAN AND LUNCHBOX LARRY…B-D-S-M!
Clady and Larry help Bobby to his feet, and Clady raises both their arms in victory as we cut back to commentary.
Moss: What a close, close bout between BDSM and the Black Belts, but Bobby Dean and Lunchbox Larry pull out the win here!
Where in the world is Scott Hunter?
We’re back to ringside as we hear our Commentary Team talking.
Moss: And ladies and gentlemen, we’re about halfway through the night and still NO WORD from Scott Hunter or his representatives… who I’m being told now is just Scott Hunter in a wig.
Howley: Does that surprise you Moss?
Moss: Not at all Thunderbird! Let’s go over to Otto Price for more on this developing situation. Otto?
We move over the Classic stage where Otto stands behind his podium…. I wonder if he wears pants?
Price: That’s right Patrick, We’ve been calling and trying to find out where Scott Hunter. We’re being told that it’s possible he missed his flight, or was unable to rent a car for some reason. We’re still reaching out and trying to track him down for this huge main event matchup!
Moss: Otto, what happens if he doesn’t show up?
Otto nods along with the question, almost as if he’s ready for it.
Price: That’s yet to be determined guys, we talked to Commissioner Gruff Myers backstage and he said for now the Main Event is ON as is! Whether that means Scott Hunter shows up on time, or King Kong Frank goes in to fight BOTH of the REPOSSESSED Tag Team is yet to be seen! Here’s hoping that we see Hunter here before that bell rings!
Howley: King Kong Frank is a wild man, but I don’t know if anyone can fight off BOTH members of the REPOSSESSED on their own! They’ve been on a tear since coming into Classic Wrestling! What do you think the odds are that The Amerettos had something to do with this?
Moss: That’s certainly possible Thunderbird! Remember the winner of tonights Main Event will go onto CLASSICMANIA to face the Amazing Amarettos for the Tag Team Championships! Fans we’ll be right back!
The unmistakable string introduction of Dvorak’s “New World Symphony” fills the studio, triggering a buzz among the ClaW faithful, until the emerging form of Leon Van Zandt draws cheers. Dressed to the nines in a suit and tie, the Professional looks out into the crowd with a smile on his face.
Moss: Here comes the Belgian grappler formerly of the Foreign Legion, Leon Van Zandt, and I’m sure he has something to say here about last episode’s altercation with his former teammate Mushigihara!
Van Zandt takes a moment to tag some hands, before stepping into the ring and borrowing a microphone from Otto Price.
Van Zandt: Meneer Dante.
The mere mention of his former manager elicits a gusher of boos, as The Professional nods in agreement.
Van Zandt: Last time we spoke, you appeared to decline my challenge to Mushigihara at ClassicMania. Well, Meneer Dante, as I’m sure you are aware, I do not walk away from denial that easily. And I am here to not ask, but DEMAND, a match with Mushigihara at ClassicMania. I have said this isn’t over, and it will NOT be, until I have him in this ring with me!
The crowd starts to cheer, only to make a hard right into jeering territory as Eddie Dante and Mushigihara step into the arena.
Howley: Oh boy, looks like things are gonna heat up here tonight!
With a knowing smirk, Dante produces a microphone of his own, and stares daggers into his former client.
Dante: I’ve been thinkin’, Leon old boy, about our little conversation the last time we were here, and how much you CLEARLY wanna settle this matter with the Emperor of Classic Wrestling.
The crowd boos Dante and Mushi, who only responds by mumbling “osu…” as he stoically stares into the crowd.
Dante: And how nothing would thrill me more, than you see you ridden out of Classic Wresting on a gurney, never to bother me or Mushigihara again. And so I thought; “well, why waste an opportunity to do just that?”
A hush comes over the crowd.
Dante: We accept.
The crowd roars in approval, as Dante and Mushigihara remain unmoved, in contrast to Van Zandt’s smile. However, Dante raises a hand up, as if to silence the fans, and goes on.
Dante: UNDER ONE STIPULATION.
Dante: Yes, I will allow Mushigihara to face you at ClassicMania, Leon. HOWEVER. After Mushigihara has destroyed you, and defeated you in that ring? You will LEAVE Classic Wrestling, and never return.
The crowd boos some more, as Dante grins a bit, before starting to look concerned as LVZ himself starts to smile:
Van Zandt: Excellent, Meneer Dante. I think that is acceptable terms to face Mushi.
Van Zandt: Oh! I should tell you; last week I was able to get an audience with Meneer Myers, about my challenge to you, and how you would likely try to squeeze a stipulation like that into a potential matchup. Which is why he also allowed me to throw in a stipulation of my own! You see, it WILL be Mushigihara vs. Leon Van Zandt, at ClassicMania. And if Mushigihara wins, I will indeed leave Classic Wrestling, and never return.
Another hush as Van Zandt’s smile widens.
Van Zandt: …but should I be the victor… YOU, Meneer Dante, will step inside this ring.
Dante stares at Van Zandt with a puzzled look.
Van Zandt: Alone.
Dante raises an eyebrow.
Van Zandt: With me.
Dante goes from puzzled to terrified, the color running from his face in real time.
Van Zandt: For FIVE MINUTES.
The crowd roars at the notion of LVZ getting his revenge, as Dante can only look around in sheer terror!
Howley: IT’S GONNA GET NASTY AT CLASSICMANIA!
Dante can only shake and shudder, as he storms off in a huff. Mushigihara quietly stares at his former partner, before turning tail and flanking his manager. The camera cuts on LVZ, smiling in anticipation, as we cut.
A mask lays on the rounded shoulder of a mountain. The air is clear and the sky is blue. The Mask is broken.
Two Crows land, and begin to peck at the mask, the corpse of identity.
The distant crunch of footfalls grows louder as they approach, Heavy breathing can be heard.
A claymore with a span of two hands width across the blade drives through the mask. Adorned with runes of a forgotten language down the center of the blade, the leather-wrapped hilt of the sword has the skull of a ram worked in metal across the cross guard.
The ritual pounding of animal skins begins in pagan fury.
“This is the time of HIGH ADVENTURE!”
An unseen narrator intones in a deeply resonant baritone as the pounding continues and we fade to black.
Holo Make vs Nick Noodle
The bell sounds as Holo simply cracks his neck in anticipation of the bout beginning. Noodle leans into his corner and smiles at the larger man across from him. Not getting the reaction he thought he was going to get he simply slaps his shoulders in an attempt to hype himself up. Holo is the first to act as he goes for a lock up but Nick Noodle sucks under and struts right past Holo. Make let’s out a small growl as Noodle simply smiles.
Moss: Looks like Nick Noodle is trying to get in the head of Holo Make.
Howley: Not sure if that’s the smartest thing he can do, but it might be the ONLY thing he could do.
Holo once again goes for a tie up but Noodle once again ducks under, rather than strut away, he foolishly spins Holo around and fires off a chop to the chest.
Noodle’s eyes go wide as he fires off another chop.
Then a third one.
As Noodle reaches back for a fourth Holo slaps Noodle square in the chest.
Howley: Shouldn’t have woken the big man up. His chest might be caved in after that blow.
Moss: The chops from Noodle didn’t seem to do anything to Holo!
Howley: They seemed to be more of a nuisance than anything.
The echo of hand to skin echoed throughout the studio. Leaving the fans in awe as Noodle fell to the mat faster than you could blink.
Moss: That just shows you the power of Holo Make. If he decides to lay you out….
Howley: There’s nothing you can do about it.
Holo grabs Noodle by the hair and lifts him to his feet. He raises a hand to his mouth to hush the crowd.
Moss: This doesn’t look good for Noodle.
Howley: It doesn’t and I’m sure his legs are about to be the same as his namesake.
With the power of a million suns, Holo smacks the chest of Noodle and firmly plants him to the mat. If this were a cartoon the imprint of Noodle would’ve been left in its wake. Holo raises both arms and roars mightily. Nearly decimated Noodle slowly comes to. First rolling over to his belly, then on all fours. He sucurries across the mat slowly, but is stopped when he runs into the boots of Holo Make.
Howley: Wrong way you Idiot!
Moss: Pretty sure the tears in his eyes from the multiple concussive blows aren’t helping him.
Howley: Probably not.
Noodle sits up on his knees and begs and pleads for Holo to stop. Sensing a moment of weakness Noodle goes for the most devious trick in the book, a low blow.
Moss: A direct violation of the rules.
Howley: It’s only a broken rule if it connects…
Moss: Which it didnt.
Holo manages to pin his knees together stopping the blow and grabs Noodle by the top of his head and effortlessly lifts him to his feet. Noodle is trying like hell to talk his way out of it, but Holo simply raises a finger to his lips to quiet the man down.
Moss: This isn’t going to be good.
Howley: Ouch-Ville population Nick Noodle.
Holo levels Noodle with a massive headbutt. Noodle is starfished in the middle of the ring. Holo drags the limp body towards the corner and takes up a post in the opposite side, watching.
Howley: If Noodle we’re smart he’d fall out of the ring and call it a day.
Moss: Well we both know that’s what he SHOULD do, but that’s not what he’s going to do.
Noodle slowly pulls himself up using the turnbuckle. He leans on them facing the crowd, not knowing what’s behind him. As he turns around the last thing he sees is a near seven footer running full speed at him. If he had time he’d do the sign of the cross, but he didn’t.
Howley (Doing the sign of the cross): The Father, The Son and the…
Moss: Aina I Ka Pono!!
Holo simply hooks a leg and waits for the count.
Robbins: The winner of this match Via Pinfall… HOLO MAKE!!
Moss: ClassicMania is just around the corner. It promises to be jam packed with intense, high stakes action. Earlier today, we spoke separately with two men who are prepared to face off in what promises to be the most brutal match in Classic Wrestling history. Let’s hear what “Feral” Freddy Kilgore and “All Businees” Alex Bruder had to say.
The video fires up, and we see Freddy Kilgore is sitting at an angle on the right side of the screen, all muscles and baby oil and face paint. There’s not a hint of a smile on his face – he in fact sits much more stoically than we are accustomed. His eyes are cold.
Kilgore: I didn’t start this. Bruder made this personal. Bruder poked the bear. He’s a man who has left me no choice.
We dissolve to Alex Bruder in the same room at a different time, sitting on the left and scowling.
Bruder: This wasn’t my idea. Locking me up inside a steel cage with that shaved gorilla? But Kilgore didn’t leave me any choice.
Dissolve to Kilgore, leaning forward in his seat, his voice raspier.
Kilgore: He’s a vulture, surviving on the carcasses of another man’s work, and flying away when the predator arrives to claim what is his. I could not let that stand. I WON’T LET THAT STAND!
Dissolve to Bruder, his eyes narrowing.
Bruder: He’s a madman. He was hunting me…hunting me! And for what? Talking to a kid who didn’t even pay for his front row ticket? Giving his dad an honest day’s work?
Dissolve to Kilgore, poised to spring out of the seat.
Kilgore: Bruder doesn’t think the laws of the wild apply to him. That he can escape facing judgment. Facing consequences. He believes himself to exist outside the natural order – he believes himself to be an agent of chaos. He wants chaos? IN THE CAGE I’LL GIVE HIM ALL THE CHAOS HE CAN HANDLE, BABY.
Dissolve to Bruder, his pace slowing and his voice calming.
Bruder: He wants to end this. And he thinks that a steel cage will do it?
Dissolve to Kilgore standing now.
Kilgore: For months, Papa Wild Thang has thought of nothing but Alex Bruder. How to find him. How to hurt him. How to make him pay. I have become a man possessed – and that fury only grows every time Bruder proves himself both a coward and a twisted shell of a man. His actions drew this out of me. He made me what I am. And what happens in the cage… is his fault.
Pap Wild Thang pauses before snarling his next words.
Kilgore: He’s going to regret that.
Dissolve to Bruder, eyes dead, lips barely moving.
Bruder: He wants to hurt me, and inside the cage, he can do whatever he likes without being disqualified. I’m a results oriented guy, though. Inside the cage, every dirty trick, every cheap shot that I know are as clean as a hiptoss or a headlock.
Bruder contemplates for a second.
Bruder: And I know a lot of dirty tricks.
Dissolve to Kilgore pacing in the room, trapped like the animal he is. Fade back to Bruder, motionless except for the subtle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes.
Bruder: This is what he wanted. We end this at ClassicMania.
An abrupt cut to Kilgore, his face in the camera.
Kilgore: Chaos! Violence! I’ll give him what he wants! And I’ll end him! At ClassicMania!
We return to Howley and Moss at the announcers’ table.
Howley: I’ve seen some vicious fights in my career, but these two men, trapped inside a steel cage? Folks, you are in for something else.
The match graphic, featuring both men in fighting poses and inside a thick blue steel cage appears on the screen. ClassicMania: Freddy Kilgore vs. Alex Bruder inside a STEEL CAGE! Moss’ voice can be heard over the graphic.
Moss: Neither man is willing to back down, and at ClassicMania, neither man can. Tickets in the arena are sold out. Call your cable or satellite provider today!
Destroying The Mecca
The camera finds its way back to ringside, and hones in on Otto Price.
Price: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, please welcome the man who will face Vito Valentino for the Real World’s Championship in just two weeks’ time, Shujin Yama!
The boos start before the gong even hits.
But it hits anyway.
The slow, solemn, pride of Kimigayo, the Japanese National Anthem, flows over the sound system, and the boos of the Classic fans turn into jeers as the Oni of Oblivion himself steps out onto stage. Behind him, the wily Sensei Abe Lincoln slips into place, waving the Japanese flag high above his head.
Yama’s white robe splays apart as the massive man raises a mighty foot into the air, and slams it down onto the ground, causing Price to jump a little at the impact. The beast lets out a primal roar, and the flag just keeps waving.
Yama seethes – a default state for him but still notable enough for Price to be hesitant to approach. It’s a telling sign when Sensei Abe Lincoln is the preferred option. Price takes a step to the side, giving Lincoln the cue to slip around his savage champion (or soon to be, anyway).
Price: Sensei Lincoln, thank you for joining me. You and Shujin Yama are only two weeks away from the biggest fight of Shujin Yama’s career. At ClassicMania, he’ll get a shot at Vito Valentino and the chance to take home the Real World’s Championship. How has your client been preparing?
Lincoln snickers, and looks over his shoulder at where Yama stands – steam protruding from his nostrils like a raging bull. A slight movement of Yama’s head gives Lincoln the go ahead, almost like he was granted permission.
Lincoln: How has Shujin Yama been preparing, hmm? Dumb question, Otto-San. You have seen how Shujin Yama has been preparing. Whole world has seen how Shujin Yama has been preparing. More importantly, Vito-San himself has seen how Shujin Yama has been preparing. Shujin Yama destroyed MECCA. Shujin Yama made poor little American child labourer pee pants. And… Shujin Yama saved him. You ask how Shujin Yama has been preparing? Shujin Yama has been showing all, Vito-San included, that this is HIS world. Just as that itsy bitsy trinket will be HIS Real World’s Championship.
Price: Some might say that the steps yourself and Yama have been taking are going to have the opposite effect than intended, however. They might suggest that you’re just getting our Real World’s Champion, Vito Valentino, more fired up.
Lincoln: Fired up for what? To defend his precious MECCA? To defend toys? Games? Fans? To defend typical American capitalism? These are just things, Otto-San! What has Vito-San been unable to defend, however? Himself. His body; his being; his health. Shujin Yama is attacking Vito-San on all fronts, and one or the other… Vito-San must decide to lose one of those fights. Or lose both of them.
“Life in the Fast Lane” hits the speakers and the studio audience goes crazy for their Real World’s Champion. Wearing jeans and an old Joel “Thunderbird” Howley vintage t-shirt, Vito looks out at the crowd, acknowledging them. However, he doesn’t look as jovial as he usually does upon making his entrance. Making a beeline right for the interview platform, Vito Honda the championship gold over his shoulder with great pride.
Otto Price goes to raise the microphone up to his mouth, but Vito Valentino snatches it out of his hands before Price can even utter a word.
Vito Valentino: I don’t care what anti-American reason you have for doing what you did. I don’t care if this is all a false pretence to get under the skin of the Real World’s Champion. What’s done is done and I’m goin’ to have to pick up the pieces for all those fans who love making a trip out to MECCA.
The audience boos this, as upset about Yama destroying MECCA as Vito is.
Vito Valentino: What I do care about is how this blue-collar New Yorker—who’s scratched and clawed his way to the top— is going to do what America is known best for doing to its enemies. Dropping a damn BOMB on someone who likes to take his shots from behind and inflicting pain on others as collateral damage. Nah, see, I don’t care how big you are. I don’t care what Hoy Quarlow over there tries to do with his stick, either. He waves it my way I’ll break it, and HIM, in half. Then, when he’s out of my way? Prepare to be SHOCKED and AWED at CLASSICMANIA. Where I finally get to welcome you… to the METROpolis.
Yama doesn’t take these words kindly. He gets right into the champ’s face, and the production team has to shift into overdrive to censor out whatever obscenities are coming out of the challenger’s mouth. Valentino stands his ground, adjusting the championship on his shoulder.
He then fires a headbutt right into Yama’s nose!
Price: Stand back!
Otto Price’s shriek is directed more to himself than anyone else, as he jumps out of the way while the two stars begin trading blows.
Lefts. Rights. Lefts. Rights. Punches rail in from any and every direction with little attempt from either man at blocking the strikes of the other as the confrontation devolves into an all out brawl – just as it has done every time they have met each other.
Valentino’s size allows him to start getting his shots in quicker, and the big sumo starts backing down the aisle towards the ring as he still tries to throw his own hands. His bulbous backside touches the edge of the ring, leaving him nowhere else to go and forcing him into making a bolder decision. His hands drop, and a few of Valentino’s fists find their way directly to Yama’s face, but it’s all Yama could do in order to clutch at Valentino’s body and muscle his way into a biel toss, hurling Valentino across the ringside area.
But Valentino jumps straight back up!
Using the ring steps for added height, Vito leaps off and soars through the air – leading with his forearm! It collides into the side of Yama’s neck, staggering him back further. And Valentino is back at it, forcing the big guy backwards again.
Yama opts to roll into the ring to escape the barrage, and Valentino follows after. The half-second gap was all Yama needed, however, as he drops a clubbing double axe handle across Valentino’s back, and then tosses him once more. Valentino flies across the ring towards the corner. He hits hard, and is a little slower getting to his feet this time. Using the turnbuckle to help him up, Valentino is right in Yama’s sights, who charges forward at the Real World’s Champion!
But Valentino moves!
Yama collides with the corner, but still he doesn’t fall!
He stumbles back…
Valentino grabs him. He’s going to lift him up! He’s going to bodyslam the big guy!
The champ drops in pain. Sensei Lincoln pulls his wooden cane out from where he had struck it between Valentino’s legs, and the wise man grins devilishly.
With the champ prone, Shujin Yama does the one thing that Yama does better than anybody else – he drops his giant ass on him.
Valentino’s groan of pain is drowned out by the devious cackle of Sensei Lincoln. But Yama is not done. He grabs Valentino by the wrist and drags him towards the corner. Climbing up to the second rope, he bounces in place before leaping off and driving his full body weight down onto Valentino’s chest!
Valentino clutches at his ribs, and Lincoln continues to laugh.
Yama is still not done, however. He climbs up to the second rope once more, and springs off with another thunderous Banzai Drop! Planting directly in the centre of Valentino’s ribs again, and stays there, seated in place.
Sensei Abe Lincoln places the Real World’s Championship over Shujin Yama’s shoulder, just as a horde of officials arrive – too late – to separate the two.
REPOSSESSED vs King Kong Frank & Scott Hunter
“Surprise! You’re Dead” by Faith No More blares through the PA, prompting Gnash to come barreling through the curtain and ricocheting like a pinball off the guardrails as he makes his way to the ring as Haul follows close behind stoically walking with his hooded robe pulled over his eyes as his brother continues to rattle the railings and threaten the crowd.
The Classic fans boo loudly at the team.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen it is now time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
Finally after getting the desired amount of attention from the audience, Gnash rolls into the ring as his brother climbs the steps and walks calmly up to their corner on the apron as Gnash hits the ropes in the ring, running them like a madman before finally stopping and shaking the ropes in his corner.
Robbins: Coming to the ring first, at a total combined weight of 495 Lbs… The team of HAUL AND GNASH…. This is THE REPOSSESSED!
Moss: Here we go Thunderbird! Winner goes on to face the Amazing Amarettos at for the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS at CLASSICMANIA!
Thunderbird: Big time ramifications but the story tonight is… WHERE IS SCOTT HUNTER!? He’s not been seen and it’s gametime!
Moss: You don’t think the Amarettos…you know? ….Disappeared him?
As Faith No More fades out, we expect to hear the opening strings of Stranglehold. Instead we hear a scuffle backstage. A loud boom of something falling leaves Otto Price jumping in shock. He waves the cameraman to follow him before they head through the curtain. Where we see King Kong Frank… or rather… the backside of King Kong Frank!
Moss: Is that…
Howley: Country cheeks?
Moss: No no! Behind that…
Frank is bent over because he’s dragging someone towards the curtain. The person is holding onto everything they pass, trying to resist as much as they can. We hear a woman scream somewhere in the background…Frank keeps pulling.
As they come through the curtain and the camera backs back out into the studio the fans get very loud and excited. NOW “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent hits and Frank would normally be swinging his chain… instead…
The belly of “Beautiful” Bobby Dean slides across the linoleum floor with a loud noise.
Moss: He’s got Bobby Dean!
Howley: I guess Frank decided to get his own tag team partner.
We hear another woman’s scream but this time we realize it was coming from Dean all along.
Bobby Dean: I ALREADY HAD A MATCH! NO! NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS!
Frank now turns toward the ring and continues to drag Bobby Dean, the difference he begins to point and make faces at his opponents this time. His Premier American Championship rests around his waist.
Moss: Bobby seems a bit “reluctant”.
Howley: What makes you say that!?
Bobby Dean: SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Frank pulls Bobby up and rolls him into the ring, before he starts stomping around recklessly. The fans can’t get enough!
Robbins: And their opponents! Weighing in at a total combined weight of…A LOT! “BEAUTIFUL” BOBBY DEAN and PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPION, KING KONG FRANK!
Frank lets the chain fly and REPOSSESSED get out of harm’s way. Cheering from the bleachers is near deafening.
Once he puts the chain down, he pushes Bobby Dean into the corner and tells him to STAY!
Moss: He’s not a dog!
Howley: By what measure?
Moss: Would you stop!
Before Frank can turn around Haul is on him with an attack from behind.
DING DING DING!
Haul swings away now sans robe. Frank slowly turns to face his opponent through the onslaught. Haul is able to gain the advantage with the cheap shots and takes control early. He sends Frank off the ropes and is able to deliver a knee to his gut that sends him flipping onto his back. Haul looks out at the crowd with excitement. He lifts Frank to a seated position and locks in a rear chin lock. He begins to preach towards King Kong Frank in his own babel.
Moss: What do you think he’s telling him?
Howley: I think he’s trying to educate the man!
Franks leg starts bopping up and down. Bobby Deans head does the same in the corner as he looks on terrified. Soon Franks leg moves faster and the fans come alive. They start slow clapping for the Appalachian big man and by the time they speed up he’s powered up to a knee. Shaking his head violently, Haul looks for Gnash but is unable to reach for the tag without releasing the hold. Frank keeps powering up and and before long he pulls away from Haul and starts launching some wild lariats. The second takes Haul down, as does the third, and the fourth. Haul now falls into his own corner where he’s able to tag Gnash. Gnash sneers before wiping the spit off his lips and chin. He steps through the ropes and Frank welcomes him into the ring by backing up and letting him in.
Howley: Oh here we go! THIS is what I’ve been waiting on! Nothing better than when two big, ugly, and less than sharp guys get to swinging on each other!
Gnash steps eagerly through the ropes and two size each other up. Neither man wants a lock up instead both come in with punches. They are tossing them at the same time. Both connecting flush. Many of the fans are on their feet for the festivities. Eventually both men slow down and both start wobbling on spaghetti legs. Before long they both are punch drunk, but Gnash lets out a headbutt out of nowhere and both men go down like a ton of bricks.
Howley: YES! THAT WAS AMAZING!
The referee is as shocked as everyone and slowly begins a count. Haul calls for Gnash to tag him in. Crawling along the mat Gnash makes his way back over slowly. Frank pulls himself towards Bobby one time. Bobby Deans eyes go wide. King Kong Frank crawls a little faster. Now Dean shakes his head wildly. Gnash makes the tag! Bobby Dean SCREAMS!
King Kong Frank makes the tag!
Haul comes screaming into the corner as Bobby Dean falls through the ropes into the ring. He trips Haul accidentally and he hits the second turnbuckle face first. Bobby Dean goes to get up but falls backwards. Once again unaware hes squished his opponent. Bobby takes a couple breaths and comes out of the corner looking for his opponent.
Howley: He really doesn’t know?
Haul falls out of the corner. Bobby sees him and scrambles for the cover.
Haul gets his shoulder up. Bobby looks for the Tag right away but Franks is still holding his head and doesn’t see it. Bobby Dean picks up Haul and hooks him for a suplex. He lifts but Haul wraps a leg. Dean lifts again but it’s no use. Haul pulls himself out of the grip and lights up Dean with a forearm. Bobby Dean goes for the tag!
Moss: Wrong corner!
Gnash headbutts Bobby Dean for good measure. Bobby holds his head, turns and falls over in the middle of the ring. Haul jumps and drops a knee across the neck of Bobby. The referee gets hot and bothered while Dean gasps for air. Haul pulls Bobby back up (slowly) and goes to irish whip him. Dean reverses and hits a clothesline on the return. Bobby falls to his knees as well but is able to crawl over to Frank.
Howley: He gets the tag!
Frank comes tumbling in, Hussin and bussin like usual. Here comes Gnash from his corner illegally! Frank drops him with a huge right hand. Here comes Haul! Frank drops him with a huge left! Here comes Bobby Dean! Frank drops him with another right hand!
Howley: Accident I’m sure!
Frank starts marching around the ring. Oblivious to what’s happening around him. SHouting at the fans. The referee is rolling Bobby Deans lifeless body out of the ring. Frank shouts one last HUSS and turns around.
Moss: GNASH HAS THE CHAIN! HE LEVELS KING KONG FRANK WITH IT!
Gnash sprawls out and rolls out with the chain. On the other side of the ring Bobby Dean is pushed out with a splat. Haul meanwhile is able to get over to Frank for the cover.
DING DING DING!
Robbins: The Winners of this match and NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS for the CLASSIC TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! REPOSSESSED!
Moss: Not the way we wanted it to go down, but we have our winners nonetheless! The team of Haul and Gnash go onto CLASSICMANIA to face The Amazing Amarettos for Tag Team Gold!
Haul starts to solemnly celebrate as Ghash rolls back into the ring and jumps up and down violently.
Howley: What an unorthodox matchup that’s going to be! Magic vs The Scrapyard! Psychology vs Pyrotechnics! The Aussies vs SUZIE!
Moss: Shut up partner I’m trying to finish! Make sure you tune in in just two weeks folks for CLASSICMANIA! It’s going to be the biggest Classic show yet! We’ll be LIVE in tropical Detroit, Michigan! Call your local TicketBlaster for seats, or if you’re not in the area, call your cable provider for the PAY PER VIEW! That’s going to wrap it up for us tonight here on Classic Wrestling on RBTV! I’m Patrick Moss, for Joel “Thunderbird” Howley have a good night everyone!