Welcome to Classic Wrestling: Episode 19
The scene opens to an awesome music video of Classic Wrestling montage action! We’ve got highlights of Classic wrestling over the past year. We’re treated to the theme for Classic Wrestling on RBTV! “Back in Black” by AC/DC is playing over the wrestling excellence. It continues to play when we move to the live studio. The set with flashing lights has the fans dancing along. The volume lowers as we move over to our commentary team!
Moss: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, I’m Patrick Moss, and I’m joined by my tag team partner on commentary… Joel “Thunderbird” Howley! How we doing Thunderbird!?
Howley: Things could certainly be worse Moss, I could be YOU!
Moss: That’s right partner….wait!
Howley: I’m glad to be back right here on RBTV in front of all our great fans! Classic Wrestling is the best in the business Moss!
Moss: It’s going to be hard for anyone to argue that. Fans we’re geared up and ready to go tonight, in fact, we’re going to go over to our host, Otto Price right now! Take it away Otto!
The camera cuts over to Otto who stands in a black suit behind his podium. The fans give him a warm welcome.
Price: Hello Classic Wrestling fans! I’m Otto Price and we’re excited to be back here on RBTV! We’re in the house here in Cleveland…speaking of “in the house” I can certainly tell you right now that REAL Worlds Champion Vito Valentino IS IN THE HOUSE!
The fans explode with excitement. They know they are fixing to see a World Title match here tonight.
Price: We’re going to have him go one on one with “Beautiful” Bobby Dean in tonight’s main event of the evening. In fact the REAL Worlds Championship will be ON THE LINE! Who’s going to walk out tonight holding all the gold? Will it be Metro, or Bobo!?
The fans don’t know who to cheer for in this one, but they know it’s going to be a brutal bout.
Price: AND speaking of BDSM…
The fans chuckle.
Price: We’ve got Bobby’s Tag Team partner also in singles action tonight when Lunchbox Larry takes on the ever imposing Shujin Yama! What a match up that’s going to be!
The studio audience gets excited once more and applaud their approval.
Price: We’ve got all of that, plus a number of debuting superstars here in Classic Wrestling. Last week Nick Noble graced our television screens and introduced himself, tonight he finds himself inside the squared circle with the undefeated Sargeant Justice!
The fans murmur back and forther trying to figure out who might come out on top.
Price: We’ve also got the debut of Dojo Dwayne, The Black Belts, and so much more tonight. Strap in wrestling fans because it’s about to be CLASSIC!
With that we move into our first segment of the evening.
Kilgore: WHERE IS HE?!?!?
In the parking lot outside of the Classic Wrestling studio, “Feral” Freddy Kilgore grabs Billy Fields by the shoulders. There’s no cartoonish charisma here. His face is red, his nostrils flare, and his eyes are the eyes of a mad man.
Kilgore: BRUDER. NOW.
Fields stumbles for a second, trembling as he tries to answer the enraged Apex Predator.
Fields: I saw him go inside, maybe twenty minutes ago.
Forgetting that Fields even exists, Kilgore bursts into a full run towards the loading dock doors. He kicks them open with a primal scream and bounds inside the building.
Nick Noble vs SGT Justice
DING! DING! DING!
Moss: Well, folks. This one should be interesting as Noble has come in and garnered a ton of interest. one of them being our current reigning Real World’s Champion, Vito Valentino. Big things could be on the horizon for this blue ch—
Nick Noble rushes Sgt. Justice as soon as the bell sounds, but Justice side-steps him and locks in the Chicken-wing sleeper! Spencer Fuller is right there asking Noble if he submits… and he does.
Moss: —holy crap.
The fans in attendance are ASTONISHED as Sgt. Justice released the hold. “Bad Boys” by Inner Circle hits the PA system as Spencer Fuller raises Sgt. Justice’s arm in victory!
Howley: Wait, what? WHAT?! I was tying my shoe under the broadcast table! Is it over already?! What the-
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner as a result of a submission at two-seconds… SGT. JUSTICE!
Moss: Um… yes. Long Arm of the Law after Nick Noble rushed him… and that was it.
Howley: That HAS to be a record in Classic Wrestling!
Moss: I… I think it is.
Noble sits on the middle turnbuckle, in shock that he got caught like he did.
Moss: Well, folks… that’s all she wrote with that one. Good thing Sgt. Justice doesn’t get paid by the hour!
Scott Hunter is sitting on a couch in between two plants that aren’t ferns, but lovely daffodils or maybe sunflowers. I don’t know. I don’t know plants. Either way, he’s sitting right in the middle and his index finger is jutting out at the camera, which is us. There are party balloons attached to the back of the couch.
“You may be asking yourself, why is Scott Hunter on my television right now? Did he win his match last week? No! Bobby the Rotund Walrus cheated by being fat and falling on me, and so I lost, bringing my win-loss record to a perfect 5 and 5! I matched my wins and losses! Who else has been able to do that? No one! That’s who!
Now I’m sure you’d like to know why I would be celebrating such an accomplishment, probably on account of how incredibly dumb you are. But because you are incredibly dumb, whoever you are, I will explain it to you thusly…
Scott screams at the top of his lungs.
“I LIKE BALLOONS!”
Scott stands up, finger-pointing at us again and with a very serious look on his face.
“But I’ll tell you what I don’t like! I don’t like losing! Did you hear me?! Turn your volume up! I DON’T LIKE LOSING! If you were reading this on paper those words would have been in all caps, because I DON’T LIKE LOSING! I also don’t like the new Wonder Years reboot, but that’s not the topic right now. What I don’t like is the ‘constructive’ feedback I’ve been given regarding my matches.
Apparently, I’m too boring, too vanilla. I don’t even like vanilla so I don’t know what they’re talking about. I wouldn’t mind some Blue Bell right now though. I wonder what Bobby Dean’s record for most Blue Bell at one sitting is. And why are feeding our best ice cream to walruses?!? I digress. Anyway, what does that even mean, too vanilla?? And what in the name of the lady who plays Samantha’s mom on Bewitched is ‘character development’??
I had to learn wrestling better than everyone else and invent a move that breaks legs and now I have to develop character, too?? I don’t want character! I just want to be me. I want to be me so much that if this were a musical, I would sing a song, and it would be called, ‘I just want to be me’, starring me, and I’d win a Tony. But not for developing character! For singing! I once visited Juilliard so you just watch yourself!
Now I may have come up short to Bobby Dean last week… and by short of course, I mean that he is very fat, AND A WALRUS! And also he eats raw fish by slamming his face into a mountain stream. But I’ve got my sights set on something even bigger than Bobby Dean. No, not Jupiter. I would never go to Jupiter. Too much gas. Like Bobby Dean! No, I’m talking about the World Tag Team Titles!! I’ve never even had a partner for teaming let alone tagging, but all I know is there is a belt! And gold! And those weird Italian musicians who are definitely NOT Mario and Luigi!”
Hunter places his hands on his hips.
“So over the next few weeks, I will be looking for the perfect tag team partner, and I will challenge the Amazing Armadillos for the tag team championship of the entire world, and I will prevail! And furthermore, since it seems to be so important, I am showing you lots of interesting inanimate objects…”
Scott walks off-screen and then pulls a table into the frame with various items on it.
“Here, a musket from the American Revolution! And here! An antique lamp from France, where they invented pasta! And what about this?! Weird colored sunglasses made by Benjamin Franklin, who invented the company I pay to keep the lights on in my house! All of these things are character pieces. This is called ‘setting the scene’, you noob, which is a slang word for an idiot with a dumb face. I have character now! I am character! We are the World!
Anyway, keep this in mind when you are thinking about giving me more feedback. I am who I am, you dirty, greasy walking pile of melted duck feet! Yes, I mean you!! You! You! And You! I developed the hell out of my character just now. I said ‘hell’ which is borderline dirty, and I thought deeply about life, then rode a bicycle to the soundtrack from Goonies.
Beat that, pal!
Spoiler alert. You can’t.
Watch your ass, Classic Wrestling, another thing Bobby can’t physically do, and beware my newly formed character, built with my own hands, the same hands that can and will break your entire face!!
Your stupid, stupid face.”
Hunter turns around and sits back down on his couch, then looks to his right.
“Aren’t my daffodils pretty?”
Classic Chaos (Part 2)
Our RBTV cameras head backstage, where “Big” Joe Geoue is standing with “All Business” Alex Bruder.
Geoue: Alex Bruder, I’ve been hearing that Freddy Kilgore is on the warpath after your actions last episode, harassing the president of his fan club and physically abusing his father, both guests of his. Shouldn’t you be hunkering down right now?
Bruder: Why should I be afraid of Kilgore? What’s he going to do, swing ‘Wild’ Kat’s purse at me?
Just then, Bruder drops to the floor, as a lighting rig is thrown at where he had just been standing. You can almost hear the sound of shattering glass over Kilgore’s roars.
Kilgore: I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND EAT THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES!!
Bruder stands back up, his face white. However he thought this was going to play out in head, he had clearly never considered this as a possibility. He turns and runs away from Kilgore at top speed, and Kilgore enters frame briefly as he takes up the chase.
Geoue: I’m not sure this is going to calm down any time soon. We may be seeing exactly why he’s called ‘Feral’.
Dojo Dwayne vs Blue Canada
Blue Canada stands inside the ring, having been introduced to the fans in attendance before Classic TV came back from the break.
Robbins: His opponent, making his CLASSIC Wrestling debut, hailing from Port Aransas, Texas… he stands 6’1” tall and weighs in tonight at 240lbs… He is the master of Face Fist Style… DOJO DWAAAAAAAAAYNE!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Howley: I don’t know about this Dojo Dwayne character, he looks like a goof, Moss!
Moss: Will you be quiet? Dojo Dwayne is a quantifiable expert in the martial arts, T-bird!
Howley: Too bad this ain’t the All Valley Karate Tournament!
Blue Canada, the bluest Canadian you ever did see, charges in at Dwayne with a massive meat missile of a clothesline! Dwayne drops down into a split, deftly ducking the clothesline and letting BC overcorrect himself right into a standing thrust kick by the lightning-fast karate grappler! BC tries to scramble to his feet only to eat a serious round kick right upside his head!
Moss: Ready to eat those words yet?
Howley: Never! SWEEP THE LEG YOU BLUE DORK!
Dwayne drops to make a cover, but BC somehow has the wherewithal to get himself underneath the bottom rope and thereby out of bounds. Dwayne, ever the sportsman, quickly disengages to allow for a clean break and furthermore backing away to give Blue Canada just enough air and opportunity to get himself back up for another foray into the Dojo Dwayne Martial Arts system!
At the referee’s signaling Dwayne encroaches once more, reaching in for a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Blue Canada is quick to jab a thumb into Dwayne’s eyeball!
Moss: Hey! That’s cheating!
Howley: It ain’t cheating if the ref don’t see it, Moss!
Moss: THE REFEREE IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!
BC backs Dwayne into the near ropes before shooting him off to the opposite side. Dwayne rebounds and comes back with a full head of steam! BC drops down and Dwayne easily hops over him, this time instead of hitting the ropes again he hops up and deftly steps into the middle rope before launching himself backward and twisting through the air, delivering the funkiest flying foot-smash to the face that anybody in the building or watching at home had ever seen!
Howley: What in the-
Moss: HOLY CANOLI! Dojo Dwayne just took Blue Canada’s head clean off his shoulders!
Howley: He knocked him clean across the ring and out to the floor! How in the world did he get so much power behind that, Moss?
Moss: I’m not really up to snuff on the applications of modern martial arts to the professional wrestling, but if I had to guess it’d be something about adding Angular Momentum to the already educated feet of Dojo Dwayne!
Howley: Did you just math me, Moss?
As the two commentators natter on about the logistics of a springboard maneuver in a wrestling match, Blue Canada spends the next several seconds sucking wind on the outside while Dwayne keeps an eye on him from inside the ring. Right around the six-count Dwayne, having noticed a few kids at ringside looking up at him in awe, begins a short demonstration kata right there under the spotlights!
Moss: What a guy, that Dojo Dwayne!
Right around 9.9999999999999 Blue Canada manages to roll himself back in under the bottom ropes and Dwayne quickly turns his attention back to the blue Canadian in front of him! BC, like any villain worth his weight in Canadian dollars, musters up one final lunge at the Karate Grappler! Dwayne ducks easily, and just as BC hits the ropes and roars back Dwayne ruins him with a steaming double-back-chop to the midsection.
Howley: He got him right in the Bread Basket!
Dwayne follows up by reaching over and slapping BC as hard as he can right in the middle of the back, straightening the big man up just enough for Dwayne to deliver a perfectly placed Mongolian Chop on the bigger, bluer Canadian!
Moss: Look at that execution, Thunderbird! Notice how he got him right in the carotid arteries and not in the throat!
Howley: Looked illegal to me, Moss!
Blue Canada is on Dream Street, clearly staggered by the barrage of offense that he’d been on the receiving end of over the past few moments. A gleaming smile comes to the face of Dojo Dwayne just before he whips himself around and catches BC with a wicked spinning backfist right in the mush!
Moss: FACE FIST STYLE!
Howley: He got him RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
Blue Canada crumples.
Dojo Dwayne drops into a lateral press.
Moss: It’s all academic from here!
And it is.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Robbins: Your winner of the match, DOE. JOE. DWAAAAAAAYNE!
Enter The Black Belts!
Otto Price stands at his podium, waiting for the studio audience to calm down. He smiles as he brings his thin microphone to his lips.
Price: Please join me in giving a big Classic Wrestling welcome to two of the newest members of our roster, Ken Roddy and Joe Jitsu – The Black Belts!
“Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” plays in the studio and the entrance curtain bursts forward as Ken and Joe leap through it with flying thrust kicks. They land, making dramatic martial arts poses, before hustling over to Otto Price at his podium. While that happens, the camera catches several children doing their own karate chops and clapping.
Price: Ken Roddy, Joe Jitsu, it is a pleasure to have you with me tonight, mere minutes from your debut match against one of the most accomplished teams in all of Classic Wrestling, The Foreign Legion. I know you need to keep your focus, but can you tell our fabulous fans what they can expect from The Black Belts tonight?
Joe pumps his fist and Ken leans in to answer.
Roddy: We’re so excited to get inside of a Classic Wrestling ring, and wrestle in front of this amazing audience…
Jitsu: The most amazing!
Roddy: …and what these fans can expect to see from us is a clean, well fought bout. We can’t control what Mushigahara and Lean Van Zandt are going to do, but as masters of the martial arts, Joe and I bring focus and discipline. It’s a contact sport, Otto, and we’re going to go all out once that bell rings. And in the end, we will fight with honor, and not bring disgrace to ourselves or the first man to introduce us to these ancient eastern ways, Master Spreeng.
Jitsu: You have to be true to yourself!
Joe looks so focused he might burst, while Ken Roddy looks as serene as could be.
Price: The Foreign Legion are two tough customers. You both look ready, but how sure are you that you have what it takes?
Ken and Joe clasp their hands together as if they were about to arm wrestle in the air, nod at each other and release their grips.
Roddy: We’ll find out soon enough, but mastering so many of the martial arts hasn’t merely sharpened us physically, but mentally as well. We know that this is a huge challenge in front of us, but we’ll tackle it with the same sort of laser focused minds that the fans of Classic Wrestling have come to expect from their heroes, and hope that one day soon we’ll be able to count ourselves in that group.
Price looks ready to follow up, when all three men turn back to the entrance curtain and a loud commotion. Running like the devil’s just behind him, Alex Bruder tears down the aisle, mere seconds ahead of a furious ‘Feral’ Freddy Kilgore. Bruder slides into the ring headfirst, scrambles to his feet and slides feet first out the other side as Kilgore gains ground. In a panic, he hops the railing separating the bleachers from the ringside area right next to Mikey Collins and his father, both again wearing face paint just like the Apex Predator’s. In one swift move, Bruder bats the child’s bag of popcorn in Kilgore’s direction, causing the salty snack to fly into his face. Having bought a few precious seconds, he sprints back and exits the studio, with Kilgore again trailing him.
Price: There’s some of the laser-like focus our fans have come to expect from our competitors.
Roddy: Is it always like this?
Price: Welcome to Classic Wrestling boys. Good luck!
“Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” starts up again as Ken and Joe quickly head to the ring.
The Black Belts vs The Foreign Legion
Back to ringside we find Mushigahara taking off his large overcoat as he readies for the upcoming match. His tag team partner stands on the apron, while the manager stands on the floor directing traffic.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen the next contest is a TAG TEAM MATCH! With a 20 minute time limit. In the corner to my right, making their Classic Wrestling debuts this evening, this is the team of Ken Roddy, and Joe Jitsu! THE BLACK BELTS!
The fans give a mixed reaction to the men in colorful guis. They both strike a martial arts stance as their names are called and yell “HIYA!”. The foreign tag team opponents seem unimpressed.
Moss: A brand new team, looking to make a name for themselves here in Classic Wrestling!
Howley: Where do we find these guys?
In the other corner the two stand ready for their announcement.
Robbins: and their opponents. Former Classic Wrestling Tag Team Champions! Being accompanied to the ring by Eddie Dante, this is Leon Van Zandt, and Mushigahara… THE FOREIGN LEGION!
Loud grunts and yells come from the veteran tag team as their names come over the speaker. Eddie demands that they focus up.
Mushigahara looms as he’s been chosen to begin the matchup. LVZ moves to the outside. On the other side of the ring, Joe Jitsu is going to kick things off for the Black Belts (no pun intended).
DING DING DING
Moss: Here we go with another exciting matchup! Will the new guys prove they have IT, or will The Foreign Legion show why they have won tag team gold here in Classic!
As Mushi moves towards the middle, a bouncing Joe does the same. They go in for a lockup, but instead Joe Jitsu does a summersault past the big man who goes for a grapple. After he rolls through, Joe smacks his butt a few times and wiggles it in the direction of Mushigahara. Mushi barks at Eddie Dante about how he doesn’t like it, but the fans in the studio are here for it and actively applaud.
They go to lock up again but instead Mushi drives a forearm into the face of the Black Belt slamming him into the mat. Joe goes to get up but instead Mushigahara tosses him into the corner and starts lighting up his chest and gut with left and right hands. He grabs Mr Jitsu by the neck with both hands. The official starts to count, but Mushi takes one step and uses his momentum to toss Joe back to the middle of the ring by his head!
Howley: I believe they call that butt over teakettle…
Moss: I don’t think that’s the expression.
Howley: Yea but I can’t say ass on television.
Moss: I think you just did!
Joe gets up and Mushi comes in with arms raised. A quick side kick to the leg slows down the giants progress. HIYA! Joe sees his opening and goes in guns blazing.
Moss: Watch out now! These Black Belts know a thing or two about striking!
Two more kicks come in with quick succession, followed up by a high chop to the side of the neck of the big man. Mushi reels but doesn’t go down. Joe hits the ropes and comes back with a diving chop that finally takes the Foreign Legion member off his feet.
Howley: BOOM! What a shot!
Standing up quickly, Joe moves to his corner and tags in Ken Roddy!
Moss: And here comes the other one! Wait.. LVZ isn’t having any of this!
Leon Van Zandt comes in the ring on the other side and attacks the pair of Black Belts. The official is quick to get between them and break them up. As the referee pushes LVZ back to the apron, Eddie Dante climbs the ring steps and has his walking cane held back like a baseball bat.
Holwey: Watch out, Dante is up there and ready to swing for the fences! He’s seen the FL lose a couple in a row now and he’s not about to let it happen again! That’s a good manager if I’ve ever seen one Moss!
Moss: Are you advocating cheating Thunderbird?
Howley: I’m advocating WINNING pencil-neck! By any means necessary!
Joe Jitsu is stumbling back to his corner and doesn’t see Dante, when Eddie swings he does so with all he’s got.
Howley: WHAT THE!?
Moss: Ken Roddy just swept the leg on his own partner! Eddie Dante misses!
The legal man, Ken, trips his own partner in order to avoid the big Cane shot. The referee turns around just in time to see Dante fall off the apron. Mushigahara moves towards the pair but as Joe gets back up they double kick him in the gut. Stunned by the double kick he stops in his tracks but before long he’s being swept off his feet!
Moss: WOAH! DID YOU SEE THAT MOVE! Ken Roddy with the high kick! Joe Jitsu with the leg sweep! I think they call that the HIGH YA!
Howley: Ah it ain’t over yet though!
As Ken goes for the cover here comes Leon Van Zandt off the top rope. He goes to deliver the knee to the back of the head of Ken Roddy but Joe calls for his partner to move. At the last moment he does and LVZ Comes crashing down hard on Mushigahara!
The crowd comes alive as Joe Jitsu tosses LVZ out of the ring and Ken pins Mushigahara.
The bell rings and Harrold Robbins does his job.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen the winners of this match… KEN RODDY, JOE JITSU… THE BLACK BELTS!
The pair hug in the ring before letting out a very excited HIGH YA towards the crowd. They jump for joy at the success of the new tag team. Someone in the front row even does a cartwheel they just cannot contain themselves.
The pair are quick to leave the ring after doing a couple of fight poses.
Moss: What a win from the newcomers here in Classic Wrestling! The Black Belts look to move up the rankings while The Foreign Legion needs to regroup and possibly refocus!
Howley: Big win for the new guys, but don’t look now Moss The Foreign Legion are having issues.
Mushigahara gets up and LVZ rolls in the ring to try to help him up. When he makes it over to Mushigahara, he pushes the German off of him and against the ropes. LVZ looks none too pleased with the push and tries to figure out what that was about. From behind him however Eddie Dante is back with the cane. This time to the back of the head.
LVZ goes down like a sack of bricks. His tag team partner wastes no time…
Moss: WHAT IS THIS!? Mushigahara is stomping on his own tag team partner like he’s trying to put out a fire! Eddie Dante is encouraging it!
Mushi picks up LVZ by the neck with two hands. He lifts him high into the air and then slams him down in front of him.
After a couple more stomps, Mushi and Eddie Dante leave the ring. Leaving the other Foreign Legion member lying.
An angry Eddie Dante has spittle flying from his lips as he screams at LVZ and the fans.
Moss: I… Can’t believe this! These are former Tag Team champions! …We’ll be right back folks!
Classic Chaos (Part 3)
Serena Reyes is speed walking towards a commotion in the locker room.
Reyes: We think we’ve tracked down ‘Feral’ Freddy Kilgore and ‘All Business’ Alex Bruder in one of our locker rooms.
They turn a corner, and see upended tables and folding chairs scattered across the room. The sounds of big meaty men slapping meat are growing closer, as are various groans and cries of agony.
One more corner, and we can see Kilgore and Bruder trading blows in the showers, neither man paying attention to the water spraying all over. Kilgore grabs Bruder and presses him over his head, and then launches him headfirst into the tiled wall.
Bruder slumps to the floor, and is just as quickly set upon by Kilgore. From his lowered position, Bruder strikes up with a vicious, knee bending shot to Kilgore’s groin. He takes the opportunity to rake Freddy across the eyes as he struggles to his feet and makes his escape. Unable to walk in a straight line, he crashes into two separate walls before finding the door.
Reyes: Pure chaos back here. Can we get some medical help for Freddy?
Kilgore, temporarily blinded as he may be, brushes past her.
Kilgore: NO HELP! BRING ME BRUDER!!
A Champion We Can Trust
We open on a shot of nondescript Midwestern farm land, wheat as far as the eye can see, a bright red barn on the horizon. A broad American flag waves proudly in the wind from the side of the structure.
A baritone authoritative voice narrates.
Our great country was founded on the ideals of individual liberty, hard work, and the American Dream…
The shot fades slowly to a construction site. We see hard-hatted red-blooded Americans diligently working, referencing stretched out blueprints on a table.
America is a place where anybody, regardless of their background, can rise to the top through their individual grit and determination…
The music takes a sullen turn, and the images on the screen succumb to bursts of static.
But something is wrong…
We shift to an exasperated elderly couple sitting at a kitchen table, a pile of overdue bills scattered about. The shot quickly cuts to a long unemployment line, followed by quick shots of gas and food prices rising drastically.
When there is poor leadership, we all suffer…
Black and white stills of Classic Wrestling champions come on the screen one by one.
KING KONG FRANK…
THE AMAZING AMARETTOS…
These are not the champions you need. These are not the champions you deserve…
The music abruptly stops, replaced by a patriotic melody.
In trying times like these, Classic Wrestling deserves a champion we can believe in…
A champion that we can trust…
A series of shots fill the screen, showing the progression of a life: an Eagle Scout ceremony, sports trophies, a college graduation, a platoon leader in front of young Joes.A champion we need…
The screen fades slowly to an absolutely beaming smile. As the shot pans back, it reveals a classically handsome man in his early 30’s, sandy blonde hair perfectly coiffed. A pristine charcoal grey suit, pressed white shirt, red tie and, of course, a prominent and gleaming American flag lapel pin. He speaks with a slight Southern drawl, just rhotic enough to drop the r’s in that charming way.
My name is Cal Crawford… and I approve this message.
Undercover Lover vs Randall Schwartz
Moss: We are back ringside as both men are ready to square off. You’ve got the one and only, Undercover Lover.
Howley: And the oddly phallically named Randall Schwartz. It’s kismet I tell you.
Moss: Or it’s just a coincidence.
Moss: And there’s the bell.
Both men stare daggers at one another. Neither moving seconds after the bell rings. The crowd has no love for either man, but they don’t pay any attention to them. Randall is the first to make a move but the masked Lover quickly dodges the attempt at a grapple and playfully shoves him aside. Randall cracks his neck and composes himself. A small smile peeks out of Lover’s mask. The two men lock up in the middle of the ring as Randall takes Lover to the mat with a quick hip toss. Lover climbs to his feet quickly and runs at Randall who ducks down and swipes at the legs of Lover. He falls flat on his back as Randall goes for a cover.
Moss: Going for the pin early in this match.
Howley: I’ve heard rumors about Randall and being early.
Moss: Is this the time or the place?
Howley: No better time than the present.
Lover easily kicks out before the ref even gets down. Then Lover swipes the leg of Randall and goes for a pin of his own. To which Randall kicks out quickly. Both men get to their feet and lock up once again. Lover takes Randall down with a side headlock and flipping him over. Lover speads his legs while wrenching down on Randall. With a closed fist Lover begins to hammer away at the top of Randall’s skull. The ref steps in to make sure the fist is opened. As the ref checks the fist, he misses Lover gouging at Randall’s eye with his thumb.
Moss: The ref can’t see the thumb in Lover’s eye.
Howley: Some would say it’s akin to a faci….
Moss: Don’t finish that statement.
Randall eventually sprawls out far enough to get to the bottom rope, but Lover is able to drag Randall out towards the middle of the ring. But doing so Randall is able to switch the momentum and is able to get Lover pinned.
Moss: Another early pin in this match.
Howley: Both men are looking for a quickie…
Moss: (Silently glares at Howley.)
Lover kicks out and gets to his feet as does Randall who quickly takes Lover down to the mat and gets top mount. Lover covers his face as Randall pauses for a moment and leans over the head of Lover and begins to grind his elbow between Lover’s arms. The ref’s view is obstructed and can’t see what is happening as Randall has positioned himself between the elbow and the ref. A few quick stiff shots before he sits up Randall goes for an arm bar but Lover rolls onto his side and pins Randall to the mat.
Moss: Lover is using his leverage to his advantage.
Howley: Usually Lover isn’t this tied up unless he’s got a safe word and his experience is showing in these kinds of positions.
Moss: NOW ISN’T THE TIME!
Howley: The people need to know!
Moss: Quick thinking by Lover to pin down Randall.
Howley: (Mumbles into the mic) Not the only thing quick about Lover.
Moss: What was that?
Randall manages to get a shoulder up and rolls out of the ring to compose himself. Lover beckons for Randall to get back into the ring. Randall just waves him off as the ref begins to count.
Randall begins searching under the ring for something.
Moss: What is Randall up to?
Howley: Probably looking for your Virgini….
Moss: A Chair. He found a chair.
Howley: That’s what I said.
Eventually Randall comes back from under the ring with a steel chair and slides it into the ring. Lover walks towards the chair but the ref cuts him off and takes the chair to the opposite side of the ring to toss it outside. Lover climbs between the ropes but Randall runs to him and throws a handful of sand in his face. Randall climbs onto the apron and grabs the middle rope and begins to lift it up and down furiously as Lover is caught.
Moss: Lover is between the ropes and Randall is just thrashing his groin.
Howley: You heard that right?
Moss: (Sigh)… Go ahead.
Howley: Nope. Just going to let you sit with that one for a minute.
The ref turns around just as Randall climbs into the ring and drags Lover with him. Then Randall grabs both of Lover’s hands and mockingly goes for a test of strength.
Moss: These two brave warriors are giving it all they got.
Howley: And way longer than the 35 seconds they are accustomed to.
Moss: Please stop.
Lover slowly fights his way back to a base. Both men are grunting and sweating, as both their hands are above their heads. Both men have the same idea. Thinking they are outsmarting their opponent.
Moss: BOTH MEN JUST KICKED OTHER IN THE TWIGS AND BERRIES!
Howley: That’s going to cut someone’s weekend short.
Moss: You can say that again….
Howley : Someone’s weekend…
Moss: I wasn’t serious.
Both men lay on the mat as the ref shrugs his shoulders and begins to count, but it didn’t even get to five before both men were reluctantly on their feet hunched over. Lover grabs the free arm of Randall and gets him set up for…
Howley: Time for the Heart Stopper.
As Lover reaches back Randall begins to reach for Lover’s mask causing him to pause briefly. Randall gets a knee up into the gut of Lover and slides down and goes for his patented…
Moss: The Schwartz Special…
Howley: He’s grabbing the tights!
The ref slides down.
Moss: THE REF SEES IT!
Randall gets to his feet thinking he’s won but reality sets in as the ref is explaining what happened. Then Randall gets furious but turns around to Lover locking him up.
Moss: HEART STOPPER!
Lover nails the hammerlock heart punch, falls on top of Randall and hooks the inside leg.
Robbins: The winner of this match via pinfall UNDERCOVER LOVER!
The Amazing Amaretto Magic Review
The house lights dim, and golden spotlights hit the ring…
As always, the AMAZING AMARETTOS make their AMAZING entrance through twin plumes of purple smoke! Carlo and Gomez flourish their capes, spin in sequence, and the Classic Wrestling Tag Team Championships materialize around their waists!
Carlo: AVANTI, Classique Wrestling! Your AMAZING Tag Team Champions have RETURNED!
Gomez: And now that we have arrived, the show may TRULY begin! Now begins the MAIN EVENT…
Carlo: The AMAZING…
Carlo & Gomez: MAGIC REVIEEEWWW!!
They gallantly hold out their top hats and fling a hail of cards into the air. The fans unload on them.
Howley: Did I hear that right? Did he just say “main event”? Cause we got plenty of show left to get to…
Moss: Well, based on their combined egos, these two probably think they’re the main attraction whenever or wherever they appear.
When the house lights come up, we can see that their not-so-lovely assistant Suzie has hauled a heavy, leather-bound trunk into the ring. Her labor is rewarded when the brothers throw their capes over her head and turn back to the crowd.
Carlo: We assure you, ladies and gentlemen… tonight’s spellbound performance will ASTOUND the filthy lot of you in ways you never thought possible!
Gomez: Tonight, for the FIRST TIME EVER, you insignificant people will be fortunate enough to witness one of our grandest spells: the ESTRUCAN ART of ELEMENTAL EXTRAPOLATION!
Suzie pops open the trunk and shuffles around through what looks like an assortment of junk made to look like magical artifacts. She struggles in removing what appears to be a heavy stone, painted black and decorated with Egyptian hieroglyphs. She hands it over to the Evil Abra, who cradles it close to the chest as though there were some weight to it.
Carlo: BEHOLD! The OSCILLATING ORB of OSIRIS! A spheroid of the DENSEST elemental properties!
Gomez: Almost as DENSE as the lot of YOU inbred peasants!
Carlo: As you can see, this enchanted stone is HEAVY! An ordinary man could barely lift it mere inches from the ground!
Gomez: But as you all know well by now, we are EXTRA-ordinary individuals!
Carlo: And with the proper gifts…
Carlo’s fingers dance over the “orb”… and then suddenly, it becomes light enough to spin on his finger!
Gomez: …even the ORB of OSIRIS
Moss: Clearly, that’s an ordinary basketball spray-painted in a cheap mockery…
Howley: I dunno, Patrick. Looks kinda heavy from where I’m sitting!
Carlo: But to FULLY demonstrate the power of the orb, we will require a single, brave volunteer!
Gomez: Who among YOU are courageous enough?
They shield their eyes as they scan the crowd. Ringside fans are waving them off, clearly not interested. Carlo smirks to his brother, and a deck of cards MAGICALLY appears in the hands of Gomez.
Carlo: Remind me again… what is the most important thing on this material plane?
Gomez: Other than MAGIC? Why, you must mean…
The Killer Kadabra waves his hand, and the deck of fifty-two becomes a cool hundred bones!
Carlo & Gomez: MONEYYY!! HAHAHA!!
Carlo: Which, of course, WE have in droves, thanks to being the most SUCCESSFUL and TALENTED WRESTLING and MAGIC DUO in the history of entertainment!
Gomez: And naturally, we’d be inclined to give away this money… if only we had someone to participate in our AMAZING feats!
NOW the hands go up. The brothers peek out into the front row, and Carlo spies someone that leads him to nudge his brother.
Carlo follows his brother’s gaze and his smile widens. He points out a father and son pair standing at the barricade. The boy is clearly dressed as a magician.
Gomez: Yes! Perfect!
Carlo: SUZIE! Bring them here!
Gomez: MOVE, you impudent female! MOVE!
A cross look is on Suzie’s face as she steps through the ropes and takes her time descending the steps to ringside. Security briefly part the guardrail to allow the father and son through, and Suzie escorts them into the ring.
Howley: Looks like we have an aspiring magician in the crowd tonight!
Moss: I was going to say, who could possibly want to volunteer for these hucksters?
The boy stands immediately before his father, who has his hands on his son’s shoulders. The Amarettos greet them with the sneering smiles of snake-oil salesmen. Carlo takes a knee next to the child and leans in.
Carlo: SALUTATIONS, young man! And what is YOUR name
Boy: Um… Caleb. I mean, the Amazing Caleb!
Gomez takes a knee on the kid’s other side.
Gomez: Caleb! How quaint! And are you a fan of MAGIC, Caleb!
Caleb: Yeah! I hope to be a famous magician one day too!
Carlo: A magician?! HURRAH! Well, Caleb… becoming a PROFESSIONAL magician like Gomez and myself takes MANY, MANY YEARS of hard work and practice!
Gomez: And naturally, you must have AMAZING role models! That said, could you tell us who your favorite TAG TEAM in Classique Wrestling?
Caleb: I like the Surf Bro Express!
The crowd pops for the Amarettos’ erstwhile tag team rivals. Carlo and Gomez briefly look away to hide their matching annoyed snarls before returning their forced smiles back to the young magician-to-be.
Carlo: …really? Well, Caleb, let’s see if you have the natural predisposition for MAGIC!
Gomez: All you need to do is pass a simple TEST!
Carlo holds up the “orb”. Caleb looks upon it with wonder.
Carlo: All you need to do, young Caleb, is BOUNCE the Orb of Osiris a total of TEN TIMES!
Gomez fans the dollar bills clenched in his hand temptingly before the boy’s eager eyes.
Gomez: TEN consecutive bounces… NO INTERRUPTIONS! And you will be ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS RICHER, young man!
Carlo: A future investment to magic school!
Gomez: Or a bail bond…
Carlo: Are you READY, young Caleb!
The boy looks up to his father, who gives him a reassuring wink, and then Caleb nods.
Gomez: Then let the Estrucan Art of Elemental Extrapolation BEGIN!
Carlo delicately hands over the ball. When it falls into the boy’s hands and doesn’t immediately drag him to the mat under its “weight”, the brothers balk in astonishment! The ever innocent Caleb himself appears amazed by this, as if it validated his innate abilities.
Carlo: AMAZING! The Orb is ALOFT! Truly, a sign of MAGICAL prowess!
Gomez: Now BOUNCE, Caleb! TEN TIMES for ONE-HUNDRED-DOLLARS!
The Amarettos step back and give him space, smiling insincerely. Caleb begins dribbling the Orb of Osiris. Naturally, it bounces like a basketball would. The fans count along in support.
A smile spreads across the boy’s face. He’s really doing it!
Gomez flashes Carlo a wink, and Carlo subtly pulls a small tube from the lapel of his golden tuxedo suit.
A blowdart suddenly lodges itself into the ball, deflating it immediately! It drops into a sad rubbery heap on the ninth bounce, and Caleb looks aghast!
Moss: Oh COME ON!
Carlo lowers the tube from his mouth and stows it away
Carlo: OH! How DISAPPOINTING! And you were SO CLOSE! However, Caleb, it is CLEAR now that you lack the natural talent and predisposition for magical aptitude! Our sincerest apologies!
Gomez: Maybe you should explore some other vocations, hm? Something more in line with your inferior, muggle intellect? Like… flipping burgers, or pumping gas?
Caleb frowns, his dreams shattered. Gomez closes up the fan of bills, and turns it into a handkerchief, which he dumps into the kid’s hand as a consolation. No longer having any use of them, the Amarettos’ smiles turn into ugly sneers.
Carlo: That will be all, thank you!
Gomez: BEAT IT!
Annoyed, Caleb’s father quickly takes his son out of the ring. Carlo and Gomez turn their attention back to the crowd.
Carlo: We have just enough time for one more spellbound feat, before we exhaust your puny minds with further AMAZEMENT!
Gomez: Who among you will be brave enough to be our NEXT volunteer?
And the studio audience goes wild.
King Kong Frank, with the Premier American Championship tucked snugly into the bib of his overalls, casually stomps out and makes all sort of a ruckus simply by existing.
Moss: Well, things are about to get a whole lot more American, T-bird!
Howley: I feel like the word you’re looking for is MURICAN!
The Amaretto brothers share perfectly similar pensive expressions as they consider how to move forward. Meanwhile Frank stomps around like a madman, perfectly content to raise all sorts of hullabaloo at a moment’s notice.
Carlo: Hmm, what do you think, Gomez?
Gomez: A ponderous pontification, Carlo! He is far too heavy for us to levitate! And far too DENSE to be trusted to pick a card!
Carlo: How about the Aztecan Alchemical Atomizer!
Gomez: The Aztecan Alchemical Atomizer! YES! That is PERFECT! Let us prepare at once!
They simultaneously throw their heads back.
Carlo & Gomez: SUZIE!!
Like an abused dog, their not-so-lovely assistant hurries over with an enchanting shawl decorated in patterns of multi-colored beads while the twins redirect their beaming, clearly insincere grins back to the towering King Kong Frank.
Carlo: For this, we will require something near and dear to YOU, our massive mongoloid friend!
Before the Appalachian Nightmare can react, the Killer Kadabra slips around Frank and unburdens him of the Premier American Championship with the grace and swiftness of a pickpocket!
Gomez: Why yes… I believe THIS will suffice!
Meanwhile, the Evil Abra tears the shawl out of Suzie’s hands and immediately shoos the assistant away. He waves it around in enthralling and provocative motions before the beltless Frank like a matador waving a cape before a stewing bull.
Carlo: BEHOLD! The STOLE of TENOCHTITLAN! It is said that Montezuma himself used this to hide his riches from invading conquistadors!
Gomez: And when the White Man claimed it for his own, it came with the curse of HIS REVENGE!
Carlo: Don’t eat tacos around this thing… trust us.
Gomez: And now, we shall unveil its magic to YOU, as a display of our almighty and AMAZING power!
Gomez holds the Premier American Championship out in his hands while Carlo drapes the color-patterned shawl over it to hide it from view. The Amarettos clench their eyes shut and draw in deep breaths, preparing their minds and bodies for an AMAZING act of magic…
Moss: These guys may be barking up the wrong tree here!
The lights dim, and an overhead spotlight illuminates the action in the ring. A hush of anticipation falls over the crowd. Carlo’s fingers flutter enthrallingly through the air, weaving invisible threads of ethereal gossamer.
Carlo: BOSWORTH! BAMBALAMB! PUMPERNICKLE! PERTH!
Gomez: Show us what this “title” is TRULY WORTH!
Carlo RIPS the shawl aside…
…and the hands of Gomez lie EMPTY!!
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!!
The Amarettos pump their arms into the air and crow in triumph, earning more annoyed heat from the crowd. A close look at King Kong Frank’s glare offers a glimpse at the chaos about to be unleashed…
KKF: WHAT’N TARNATION?!
Frank is clearly not amused.
KKF: WHAR’D YOU DO WITH MAH MURICAN TITLE?
Carlo and Gomez are in hysterics and wiping tears from their eyes before they recompose themselves before the bearded giant.
Carlo: HAHAHAHAHA, you doddering oaf! How does it feel to have your tiny, uncivilized mind broken into TWAIN?
Gomez: You should see the look on your hideous, Neanderthal face! You look like you haven’t been THIS AMAZED since you first discovered INDOOR PLUMBING!
KKF: YOU SUMMANA-
Faster than a man his size should be able to, King Kong Frank shoots out a massive paw at the nearest Amazing Amaretto brother, goozling Gomez by the neck!
Howley: Here we go! Frank’s hot now!
Carlo is quick to come to his brother’s aid, pouncing on Frank’s massive back! Carlo tries to lock in a choke but Frank hucks him up and over like a sack of potatoes! Gomez squirms while Carlo tries to catch his footing, a clearly enraged Smoky Mountain Mastadon lifts Gomez by the neck and choke-tosses him at his brother, sending the dastardly duo flailing backside over tea-kettle through the ropes and down to the floor!
Moss: As usual, Frank is NOT messing around here with the Amazing Amarettos!
The PAC Champ is FURIOUS and he’s just about to give chase to the thaumaturgic tandem when he realizes that the brothers have left behind their not-so-lovely assistant, along with the “Aztecan Alphonso Whatever-It-Is”. Suzie drapes the shawl over one hand, does some fancy fingerwork, and…
Moss: Does Frank look little smitten, Moss?
…POOF! The Premier American Championship sensationally rematerializes when the cheap discount-store lap blanket is drawn aside! Shrugging indifferently, she offers it back to its rightful owner. King Kong Frank’s mind is very obviously completely blown.
KKF: I… uh… HUSS! Thanks fer usin’ yer Hoodoo Lady Magic for the powers of good! MURICA!
Backpedaling back up the rampway, the Tag Team Champions of Carlo and Gomez are absolutely livid!
Carlo: PREPOSTEROUS! IMPETUOUS! IMPERSONABLE!
Gomez: That ANIMAL! My NECK! MEDIQUE! MEDIQUE!
Not Like You
The fans in the Classic Arena know exactly what that means. The sombre orchestral rendition of the Japanese National Anthem begins to play, as the Oni of Oblivion, Shujin Yama, steps out in a typically resplendent white robe. Behind him, Sensei Abe Lincoln slinks out, with the Japanese flag held high above his head, waving back and forth.
Forgoing his usual theatrics, Yama marches straight down to the ring with Lincoln scurrying behind him. The big man gets to the ropes before his associate, however, and with a look of contempt back towards the sensei, pushes the rope down for himself and steps through. Lincoln arrives on the scene after bounding up the steps with a heretofore unseen quickness, just in time for the ropes to snap back up in his face. Delicately balancing the flag, the sensei slips through the ropes and takes up position right behind Yama, waving the flag with pride again.
Otto Price, gathering his courage, dares step forward with a microphone in hand.
Otto Price: Shujin Yama, in just a few moments you’re set to take on former Tag Team Champion, Lunchbox Larry, whose own partner, Bobby Dean, has a Real World’s Championship opportunity in the night’s main event. Given your repeated assaults on the current champ, Vito Valentino, do you have a comment on who you would like to see walk away with the championship?
Slipping around the colossus, Sensei Abe Lincoln intercepts the question by shoving his face in the way of Price’s protruding microphone.
Sensei Abe Lincoln: Shujin Yama has no comment. Shujin Yama has no care if Vito-San, or Bobby-San. What Shujin Yama wants, Shujin Yama takes, no matter who supposed Real Worl…
The hand of God falls on Lincoln’s shoulder. With a slight, but forceful tug, the wily sensei is pulled backwards from Price. It wasn’t the intent for Yama to flick him all the way across the room, but it was the outcome nonetheless. Lincoln tumbled to the mat, thanks to his former student, and scrambles to pick himself off and regain an air of composure.
Shujin Yama: You’ll have to excuse my friend, Abe…
Over Yama’s broad shoulder, the camera catches a glimpse of Lincoln grimacing at Yama addressing him by his first name.
Yama: He sometimes gets a little overexcited.
Price: I understand completely. Does this mean you have a statement for us?
Yama: There is no ‘us’.
The former Premier American Champion glares at Price, who doesn’t seem to understand what he’s being told. Lincoln makes himself useful and pops out from behind Yama, jutting a finger towards the ropes.
He mouths ‘get out’ to Price.
The host takes half a step back and Yama shoots out one of his giant limbs, snatching the microphone. He gives Price a little push on the way, but as is well established, a push from the sumo is much more than a push from a regular man. Otto Price stumbles back into the ropes, and Shujin Yama doesn’t care one bit.
Yama: There is no ‘us’.
He repeats himself, turning to the crowd and the hard camera.
Yama: There is no ‘us’; there is no ‘we’; there is NOTHING that unites any of YOU to ME! I am not like you! I am not here for your applause; I am not here for your cheers; I am not here for goofy fun and games! From the moment I stepped foot in Classic Wrestling, I’ve been about one thing: Respect. And every time one of you nitwits makes a corny pun; every time one of you cracks a joke; you disrespect everything that I stand for! Everything that I have worked my entire life for! I take what I do very, very seriously.
From the look in his eyes, nobody would doubt it.
Yama: And so the way I figure it… if you’re all going to keep disrespecting what I do, I’m going to FORCE you to respect me. And that brings me to you, Mr. Metro.
He says the name with a sarcastic derision that almost brings a smile to his own hideous face. Almost.
Yama: See how easily I got under your skin? See how easy for me it was to make you choose VIOLENCE. Some role model you are. So easy… to break. So easy… to make you play MY game. I don’t care if you like me, I don’t care if you think what I’ve done to you has been low, or dirty, or cheap. What I’ve done so far is give you a taster of what I can do. By the time I’m finished, I’m going to make it damn clear that I am the biggest, the baddest, the damn best there is! Throw out all the catchphrases you want. Welcome to the METROpolis? Naw. Not anymore. This is Shujin Yama’s world now. I hope you win tonight, because it’s going to be so much more enjoyable for me to put you down. Now bring me my Larry-sized Lunch!
He throws the microphone to the ground, while Sensei Abe Lincoln cackles away. Yama turns to the entrance, and impatiently awaits Lunchbox Larry’s arrival.
Lunchbox Larry vs Shujin Yama
We are back at ringside for another exciting match as we see Shujin Yama and Lunchbox Larry already in the ring, ready to go…though noticeably absent from ringside is Bobby Dean as we go to ring introductions!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…from the Greatest Nation on Earth, weighing in tonight at a whopping 469 pounds, he is…SHUUUUJIN YAAAAAMAAAAAA!
Shujin pays no mind to the booing from the crowd as Sensei Abraham Lincoln applauds the big man.
Robbins: And his opponent…from Westbrook, Maine, weighing in at 277 pounds, he is the Big Box Man…LUUUUNCHBOOOX LAAAAAARRYYYYYYYY!
Larry takes in the adulation from the crowd, much to the chagrin of Sensei Lincoln as the still-stoic Yama looks on.
Moss: Lunchbox Larry is out here alone tonight, with Bobby Dean getting ready for our main event as he takes on Vito Valentine for the REAL World’s Title!
Howley: That means Bobby Dean has a chance to win the big one tonight! Larry…not so much.
With the intros out of the way, referee Spencer Fuller calls for the bell to start the match!
Larry sizes up his opponent, debating on a sound strategy…and throws caution to the wind as he charges at the former Premier American Champion…and that turns out to be a TERRIBLE idea, as Yama grabs the Big Box Man, hoisting him over for a body slam that drives Larry into the canvas!
Moss: Oh my, what power there by the Oni of Oblivion!
Howley: Larry already looking worse for wear here, Pat! I’m not sure I like his chances here!
Yama grabs an arm and a leg, dragging Larry toward the corner as he looks to hit the Banzai Drop and end this match quickly…but here comes Bobby Dean, much to the delight of the crowd!
Moss: Oh boy, Bobby being a good friend after all!
Howley: Think about your shot at the title, Bobby!
Sensei Abraham Lincoln stops the Beautiful One from getting too close to ringside however, shouting at him as back in the ring we see Yama bringing Larry to his feet, a slight smirk on his face as he stares Bobby down while connecting with a standing belly to belly on Larry, much to the torment of Bobby Dean!
Moss: Oh, come on! That was an unnecessary Tsukaminage from Shujin Yama!
Howley: What are you talking about, Pat? It’s literally within the scope of the match!
The sensei suddenly gets into a shoving contest with the Beautiful One, who ends up winning the exchange sending Lincoln to the floor…but Yama is already on the top turnbuckle, delivering the deadly Banzai Drop on Bobby’s buddy! Dean tries to head to the ring but is stopped by the sensei grabbing his ankle with both hands, slowing him down as Yama stays on top of Larry while Fuller makes the count!
Bobby is left having to deal with Lincoln as the ref calls for the final bell!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner via pinfall…SHUUUUJIIIIN YAAAAAMAAAAAAA!
Fuller raises the arm of Yama in victory, much to the disappointment of Bobby who finally gets past the hurdle of Lincoln and rushes to the ring to check on Larry, pulling him out of the ring before Yama can do any further damage. Bobby hoists Larry onto his shoulder, taking him to the back as we cut to commentary.
Moss: Absolutely disgusting display by Shujin Yama tonight, decimating Lunchbox Larry like that just to get under the skin of Bobby Dean!
Howley: I gotta say tho, that might be the friendliest I’ve seen Bobby actually BE toward Lunchbox Larry. That’s the power of friendship, Pat…too bad it didn’t help Larry against the might of Shujin Yama!
Moss: Well folks, we saw Bobby helping his friend Larry to the back but in just a moment he will be challenging Vito Valentine for the REAL World’s Championship! Don’t go away!
We see Yama leaving the ring, helping his sensei back to his feet before we cut away from ringside!
Classic Chaos (Part 4)
Billy Fields is once again outside, trailing an escaping and soaked to the bone Alex Bruder.
Fields: Alex, Alex, can we get a word?
Alex ignores him and jumps into a jet black pickup truck. The engine turns over and the truck peels out, the still open door slamming itself shut, swerving several time before getting traction and
Fields: No comment from Alex Bruder, but it looks like we’re about to be joined by Freddy Kilgore.
Papa Wild Thang appears, and Kilgore’s eyes look like they’re going to leap from his skull. He watches the truck speed off, and he begins to pace wildly, running his hands through his long blond hair in frustration. He notices the camera, and alternates between looking into and pacing as he growls.
Kilgore: He can run! He better run! But there’s no escaping this, Bruder. You crossed a line. YOU’RE IN THE CROSSHAIRS AND THERE IS NO ESCAPE!! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, BRUDER. YOU HEAR ME?
Kilgore’s enraged face fills the frame.
Kilgore: A DEAD MAN.
I Have To
The scene switches to backstage where the lovely Serena Reyes is with the Real World’s Champion, Vito “Metro” Valentino. The audience pop-pops for a moment before Serena speaks into her microphone.
Serena Reyes: Ladies and gentlemen, we are mere moments away from the main event championship match and I’m here with one of the competitors. The Real World’s Champion himself!
Metro looks to be in prime condition for his match with Bobby Dean. The veins protruding from his arms almost pulsate as the camera catches a glimpse of a smile behind those trademark shades.
Serena turns toward Vito.
Serena Reyes: Vito, what are your thoughts heading into the main event tonight? With it happening on the doorstep to Classic Wrestling’s biggest show of the year, is there any added pressure to retain your title against The Beautiful One, or is this another day at the office for you?
Vito chuckles as a “ME-TRO!” chant breaks out.
Vito Valentino: I’d be lyin’ if I said there wasn’t added pressure, Serena. Of course there’s added pressure. I’m in a match that not only puts my Real World’s Championship on the line, but puts my spot against Shujin Yama at CLASSICMANIA on the line. Uneasy is the head that wears the crown, y’know?
Serena nods, but remains silent as Vito continues with that train of thought.
Vito Valentino: Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. The champion doesn’t ‘get to face’ the number one contender in the main event. The number one contender ’gets to face’ the champion in the main event. Because there’s a difference, see. It’s an honor and a privilege for the number one contender to finally get that chance to stand on top of the mountain. It’s a dream come true for the number one contender to be in that spot on the main event of the biggest show of the year. For the champion? It’s another defense to prepare for, only on a grander stage. Because the champion is already there, and the number one contender is in the enviable position of tryin’ to beat the champ and take that title home to Mama Yama.
Vito sighs before continuing, allowing a moment or two to pass in between.
Vito Valentino: But for me? The situation is different. It’s not because of anything resemblin’ honor or respect for Shujin Yama. Shujin Yama doesn’t get to have that in his position with the way he conducts himself around here. Shujin Yama simply wants to take for the sake of takin’ because he believes in things like fear-mongering and bullying. Now, if I manage to beat Bobby Dean— a big if considerin’ he’s the number two wrestler in the whole wide world according to one of the most respected radio shows and magazines in the world of professional wrestlin’ — I get to go on to deal with the fear-monger and bully that is Shujin Yama. To me? To the WORLD?! That’s the real story going into CLASSICMANIA. That’s a far more important story than Shujin Yama finally getting the chance to become the Real World’s Champion.
Serena nods and pulls the microphone toward her.
Serena Reyes: So what will you do if you lose the title here tonight?
Vito Valentino: So it’s like this, ladies and gents. Someone needs to go on to face Shujin Yama and conquer him on the biggest stage in Classic Wrestlin’. Classic needs to go on to face Shujin Yama. And I’m going to find a way to beat one of the best competitors in all of Classic Wrestlin’ to go on to face Shujin Yama. Bobby Dean. The Beautiful One. It’s not his night, unfortunately, and I do not accept any other alternative than me defeating him. But with that in mind? Don’t think for one hot New York minute that I’m looking through Bobby or past him. ‘Cause I’m not. I know exactly what I’m in for when we lock horns in about 5 minutes and there’s no way I can succeed in slaying Classic’s resident dragon if I can’t beat him. So I know what I have to do here.
I have to pound him.
I have to slam him.
And when the world finds him flat on your big, beautiful, back?
I have to beat him.
Vito pauses one last time, closes his eyes, and tilts his head up with the microphone aimed downwards at his mouth.
Vito Valentino: so to answer your question, Serena?
WELCOME… TO… THE… METROPOLIS!
Handing the microphone back to Serena, Vito adjusts the big gold belt across his big muscular shoulder and heads off for what could be a turning point in his career.
Serena Reyes: Well there you have it. Back to you, fellas!
REAL Worlds Title: Bobby Dean vs Vito Valentino (C)
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen it is now time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
The fans get loud inside the studio as a pair of their favorite wrestlers are already inside the ring!
Robbins: This match will be for THE REAL WORLDS CHAMPIONSHIP! In this corner is our challenger…. Weighing in at 369 and a half pounds! He hails from the Third stall on the right! He makes up one half of the tag team BDSM… This is “BEAUTIFUL” BOBBY DEAN!
The fans cheer as Big Bobo holds onto the top rope. He appears a bit trepidatious as he looks over at Metro.
Robbins: and his opponent… he is the current, reigning, and DEFENDING… REAL WORLDS CHAMPION! Weighing in at 261 Pounds, and hailing from Brooklyn, NY… he is “METRO” VITO VALENTINO!
The fans get even more excited, standing up and clapping for their champion.
Moss: This is going to be a fun matchup.
Howley: I knew you weren’t going to say “good”.
Moss: Two men who have never fought inside a wrestling ring. Your first time in their with Bobby Dean, you’re guaranteed to see a thing or two you never thought you would.
Howley: Or never wanted to! We can’t show some of those things on television!
The bell rings between these two superstars.
Vito walks sheepishly out to the middle of the ring, he’s got a smile on his face. Bobby Dean slowly steps towards him but half afraid to get hit. Finally when they get close Bobby swings for the fences with a quick clothesline. Vito isn’t caught off guard, He ducks the clothesline and goes for a spinning kick when Dean turns around. The kick lands on Bobby, but it’s Vito who falls to the floor, while Bobby rubs the spot he just kicked.
He stomps at Vito but misses, Valentino gets quickly back up to his feet. The two meet in the middle once more where Vito gets the lucky strike again, this time it’s forearms to the face that send Dean reeling. Vito hits the ropes and comes back quick!
Moss: OH NO!
Howley: BOBBY DEAN JUST…. WAS THAT EVEN A CROSSBODY!?
Moss: Bobby Dean with the 45 degree cross body block! Flattens the REAL Worlds Champion!
Bobby tries to get the pinfall.
KICKOUT by Vito!
The fans come alive.
Vito moves towards the ropes, trying to get out from under The Beautiful One! He rests on his shoulders and neck on the second rope but from behind Bobby Dean crushes him again.
Moss: He just landed on his head on the ropes. Bobby now presses down with his hips!
Howley: Is he gaining momentum!? Is he mounting an offense!?
By the referees count of three, Bobby Dean releases the hold to avoid a disqualification.
Vito pulls himself up as fast as possible to a vertical base but he’s having trouble breathing after that last move. He moves to the corner where Bobby runs next (Light jog). Bobby goes to blast Vito with his butt but Valentino gets a leg up in the air, striking Dean in the face first. Vito hops to the second rope and dives at big Bobby!
Moss: Bobby Dean caught him! He’s got him over his shoulders!
Howley: Vito still has some fight in him!
After 4 or 5 elbow strikes to the head from Vito, Bobby lets Vito drop to his feet. Dean turns and tries keeping the momentum going by attacking him once more, but Valentino is able to trip him up and send him through the second rope to the outside. Bobby’s flesh smacks against the studio floor hard. The fans let out a groan, before a second one is elicited by the suction cup like sounds of Bobby’s skin when he goes to sit up.
It’s Valentino who wastes no time as he runs across the opposite ropes.
Howley: Is he going to Dive!? I’ve seen some of those SuperDoors do it down in Mexico City!
Moss: I think you mean Luchadors.
Instead of diving through the ropes like some reckless kid from the future. Vito does a baseball slide under the bottom rope, striking Bobby and sending him careening back to the floor.
The official begins their ten count. Valentino is quick to grab Bobby Dean by the head and get him off the ground. He guides him back to the ring and roles him in. Valentino goes for the turnbuckle while Dean gets to his feet.
Moss: Missile Dropkick!
Vito now follows up with a quick pinfall.
KICKOUT BY DEAN!
“OOOOOOOOH” comes from the Classic Fans. Valentino slams the mat, stands up and waits for Bobby Dean to do the same. When he finally does, he runs and dives at him.
Howley: Dean caught him in a Bearhug! He’s got nowhere to go!
Moss: Nowhere but down!
Bobby Dean completes the bear hug slam on his smaller opponent. He then takes a breather himself as he appears to be out of breath. After a moment he takes a couple of steps and dives at Vito on the ground.
Moss: Senton… VITO MOVED!
Valentino goes for the legs and tries to tie them up.
Howley: He’s going for the Metro Deathlock! Can he do it to Bobby Dean?
Vito struggles, trying to get the big man up and over. Before long Bobby Dean uses his lower body strength to shove the Champion away. The fans get excited as both men take their time getting to their feet.
Moss: THIS IS FOR ALL THE MARBLES!
Both men run at one another. Bobby Dean goes for a body splash. Vito rolls out of the way. When Bobby turns around Vito is swinging a double ax handle. Bobby Dean ducks and stands right back up. Vito was counting on that.He grabs Bobby Dean from behind, lifts him up ever so slightly (as high as he can) and drops him down across the knee of Vito Valentino.
Moss: BROOKLYN BACKBREAKER!
Howley: I think Vito just shattered his own leg! Who would willingly drop Bobby onto themselves!?
Vito crawls over and pulls both legs of Bobby Dean as hard as he can.
The Bell rings and “Life in the Fastlane” begins on the loudspeakers. The fans in attendance jump for joy at a great match between a couple of their favorites.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner… AND STILLLLLL REAL WORLDS CHAMPION! “METRO” VITO VALENTINO!
Moss: Well Bobby Dean has been on an incredible roll here in Classic Wrestling. Both in tag team and singles action. He was close tonight but the champion came out on top!
Howley: Dean’s got an interesting offense, but Vito is battle tested and as we saw, battle proven! Wait… what’s this guy doing now?
This guy is Bobby Dean. He’s back up and jumping for joy as if he’s won. When the championship is handed into the ring Dean grabs it before the referee can. Vito sees this and gets defensive.
Moss: Uh oh! This fight might not be over yet..
Bobby Dean waves Vito’s suspicions off and walks over to him. He says something inaudible to Vito who thinks for a second and suddenly relaxes. With a shrug from Vito comes Bobby Dean moving behind Valentino. He tosses the title around the waist of the champion and even clasps it for him.
Howley: I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to be the champion now Moss!
Bobby now begins to clap for Vito and the fans follow suit. They let a collective breath out realizing that he’s not going to cheapshot the champion. Instead he leads the “METRO! METRO! METRO!” chants.
Moss: I think you might just be right! Well that’s going to wrap it up for us here tonight! We want to thank all of our amazing fans both in the building and of course watching at home on RBTV! For Joel “THUNDERBIRD” Howley, I’m Patrick Moss, this has been Classic Wrestling on RBTV! Goodnight folks!