Welcome To Classic Wrestling: Episode 17
The scene opens to an awesome music video of Classic Wrestling montage action! We’ve got highlights of Classic, including the recent Pay Per View “CAPITAL CLASH”. We’re treated to the theme for Classic Wrestling on RBTV! “Back in Black” by AC/DC is playing over the wrestling excellence. It continues to play when we move to the live studio. A slightly updated set with flashing lights has the fans dancing along. The volume lowers as we move over to our commentary team!
Moss: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, I’m Patrick Moss, and I’m joined by my tag team partner on commentary… Joel “Thunderbird” Howley! How we doing Thunderbird!?
Howley: I’m doing as well as anyone who looks this good would be my friend! We’re on the heels of Capital Clash in Columbus and I can’t wait to see what comes next!
Moss: That’s right partner! What an amazing night it was. We have a new champion, we saw the end of some feuds, and the beginning of others! We also established some new challengers!
Howley: Rumor has it we’ve also got some new talent in the building!
Moss: Correct again my friend! Classic continues to attract all the best talent from all over the world! For more on this let’s kick it over to our host, Otto Price!
The camera cuts over to Otto who stands in a blue suede suit behind his podium. The fans give him a warm welcome.
Price: Hello Classic Wrestling fans! I’m Otto Price and we’re excited to be back here on RBTV. Tonight we’ve got FIVE huge matchups on tap for you! Including a main event you’re going to have to see to believe! Three of the biggest names in the history of Classic, when we see LORD COLOSSUS, “FERAL” FREDDY KILGORE, and the returning CARLOS RUIZ all clash in a triple threat matchup!
The fans are on the edge of their seats with anticipation. A “Car-los” chant breaks out in the studio. Otto continues through the chants.
Price: We’re going to see Haul and Gnash back in action tonight as REPOSSESSED team up to take on the pair of Huginn and Muninn… THE BOLTS! That tag team match is coming up later tonight as well!
The fans don’t know who to cheer for in this one, but they know it’s going to be a brutal bout.
Price: Apparently Randall Schwartz has repossessed his own Wrestling License, as he’s set to face one half of BDSM, Lunchbox Larry! What a fight that one is going to be!
The fans chuckle at the thought of Larry tossing around Schwartz.
Price: We’re also going to see Sgt Justice, who won his debut match at Capital Clash just a few weeks ago, back in the ring against a Classic Wrestling original… Ricky Broadway! I can hear him singing now!
The fans cheer for Sgt Justice in the studio.
Price: But right now it’s time for our first matchup! Let’s head to ringside and our to our ring announcer Harold Robbins!
Blackest Black Midnight
Backstage.
The Villian we won’t deny is standing over a pile of assorted ephemera. For some reason, Walt Whezl is dressed in more proper wrestling gear than he ever has been. Tights with his name in a King Diamond-esque font, and black boots featuring an airbrush of his own mug, lest you forget who he is.
He still wears a cape, and top hat, however.
Walt Whezl: I see all of these dungeons and dragons accouterment and physics books, and I can’t help but wonder if I am some kind of boss?
His borderline nasal falsetto is not appealing to listen to, but he considers the pile by picking up a d20 and rolling it.
It’s a 1.
Of course, it’s a 1.
His nose twists in annoyance.
Walt Whezl: I have surely won in some golf dice fashion…
Noticing the camera he spins, producing his cane which is known to blow that devastating cloud of black miasmistic mist.
Walt Whezl: Wild Heart, Returning Ortiz. YOU WILL ALL DROWN IN OCEANS OF BLACKEST BLACK MIDNIGHT! Tonight I will blaze the path to paradise in your glowing ashes!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Whezl capered away. Attempting and failing at a heel click.
Chick Grillbreast vs Fenderbender Jones.
The bell rings as Chick slaps his abnormally large chest and screams at Fender to come on. The look of both confusion and fear is smeared across the face of the plucky Fender who slowly makes his way towards Chick. As Fender goes for a shoot Chick throws both his arms down onto the back of Fender who collapses on the ground. Chick stares at him for a moment as Fender tries to climb back to his feet using the stout legs of Chick.
Moss: Chick Grillbeast is showing some acumen in the ring, so far a good showing for one of the newest members of Classic Wrestling.
Howley: Just look at the man! It’s like he was carved from Granite and was built just for Wrestling!
Moss: He certainly is a specimen.
And again Chick clubs down on the back side of Fender. This time Chick doesn’t allow Fender the opportunity to get to his feet, instead opting to pull him up and whipping him into the corner. Then he charges up and follows him with a big splash. And tosses him to the mat by the back of the head. Chick climbs on top of the bottom rope and begins to taunt the fans, all of whom are jeering him. He waves them off as he turns around in the turnbuckle.
Moss: Chick I don’t think the fans like you very much.
Howley: They are just jealous that they aren’t him. That’s all.
Moss: Pretty sure anyone can look like him if they….
Howley: LIES AND SLANDER! I will not hear any more!
He leaps off and attempts a splash but Fender was able to roll out of the way at the last second. Chick slams the mat and quickly gets to his feet and pursues the wobbly Fender who still hasn’t gotten the cobwebs out. With a vicious left to the gut Fender stumbles to a knee, then is met by a huge kick to the side of the head. Chick smacks the back of Fender’s head a few times with an open palm.
Moss: The blatant disrespect of a fellow competitor will never get the locker room on your side.
Howley: Who needs them when you’re built like a god?
Moss: Gods fall too, ya know?
Howley: Maybe yours do, but mine never will!
Chick once again begins to stomp on the downed Fenderbender. Try as he might, he just can’t stop the barrage of blows. Finally done playing with his prey Chick picks up Fender and presses him high above his head. Then unceremoniously drops him to the mat with a resounding thud onto the canvas.
Moss: That is usually the set up for…
Howley: This isn’t going to be pretty for Fender.
Moss: He would stay down if he knew what was good for him.
Howley: He won’t. He’s an idiot.
Chick stands above the fallen Fender and eggs him on to stand up. Growing more and more furious with each passing second. Finally Fender gets to a knee. Then a squaring base and then finally up onto his feet. The crowd cheers on Fender but it was all for not.
Howley: Told you.
Chick whirls his arm around and in the blink of an eye levels Fender with a massive Lariat to the back of the head.
Howley: An Idiot.
Fender crumbles to the ground as Chick covers him without hooking a leg just to add insult to injury.
Howley: You could count to a hundred, Fender ain’t getting up from that.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Robbins: The winner of this match by pinfall…. CHICK GRILLBEAST!
Moss: There you have it folks Chick Grillbreast with a debut win here!
Howley: Seems legit to me Moss, “All Natural” is proving what peak performance looks like in this sport. I applaud him.
Chick celebrates in the ring as Fenderbender falls out of the ring to the floor.
A Time To Gloat
Backstage, “Big” Joe Geoue has with him “All Business” Alex Bruder, wearing street clothes and, more disturbingly, a large smile. At the top of his head, there’s still an ugly purple bruise, graying at the edges, roughly the shape of a high heel.
Geoue: Alex Bruder, you look positively delighted by the outcome of your match at Capital Clash against “Feral” Freddy Kilgore, where you took home the victory via disqualification. You’ve talked, at length, about your personal pride as a wrestler and a man, and I wonder how that meshes with taking so much joy in a tainted victory.
Bruder shakes his head in a slight no, but his grin stays fixed.
Bruder: Tainted? Did Freddy Kilgore hit me with his woman’s shoe or not?
Geoue: Well, yes, but you’re the one who introduced it into the match!
Bruder: Did I use it?
Geoue: I think all of the great Classic Wrestling fans who watched the bout on pay-per view know that he stopped you from doing just that.
Bruder: And has Classic started disqualifying people for failing to break the rules?
Geoue’s starts to reply, but looks frozen in thought. Bruder continues on.
Bruder: From my first day, I have made no bones about it. I came here to win matches, and to get the winner’s share of the purse for doing so. I have never pretended otherwise. It’s the Kilgores and Metros of the world who pretend that there’s something more to it. That while winning is important, it’s how you win that truly matters. Kilgore can snarl and spit about how much he hates bullies all day long, but when he had a smaller man in a vice grip at the end of the match, he could have done anything he wanted. At our Christmas show, he beat me with his Call of the Wild, after I’d avoided his first attempt. At Capital Clash, I’d done the same, but when he had me dead to rights, what did he do?
Geoue: He hit you with “Wild” Kat Diamond’s shoe?
Bruder nods, touching the bruise on his forehead.
Bruder: I’d won four matches in a row against the best competitors in all of Classic Wrestling to win the Real World’s Championship, and then lost my next four matches, and my title in the process. I can’t say it didn’t sting. I do consider myself a proud man, Joe, and while everybody takes their lumps, it wasn’t my finest hour. But Capital Clash proved to the world that when even the biggest, the strongest, the fiercest competitors in Classic Wrestling get in the ring with me, to a man they know that they have a choice.
Alex pauses, and his creepy smile finally changes to his more familiar stern appearance.
Bruder: They can play the hero, or they can try to win. Folks, I ain’t met the man yet that chose the former. No matter what they say, when that bell rings, it turns out the whole world agrees with me: it’s all business.
Bruder smirks and stares down the camera, as Classic Wrestling TV moves on.
Ricky Broadway vs SGT Justice
Rick Broadway stands in his corner staring down at Sgt. Justice. Neither man breaks eye contact as the bell rings. Both men walk to the middle of the ring and give each other a quick handshake but Rick pulls his away and goes for a punch, but Justice blocks it and quickly gets Rick into a wrist lock. Then spins around into a side headlock and then tosses Rick to the mat while holding the headlock.
Moss: Justice showing that he’s got the moves in the ring with that sequences
Howley: I’m telling you he’s got an unfair advantage.
Moss: How so?
Howley: He’s professionally trained to take people down!
Moss: Aren’t all wrestlers trained to do that?
Howley: Irrelevant!
Rick manages to break the hold rather quickly and both men get to their feet. Rick goes for a kick to the stomach but Justice catches the foot and takes Rick down after sweeping the leg on the ground. Justice locks in a knee bar and pulls back the pressure.
Howley: Look at him! I think I saw that move on the news the other day!
Moss: So he’s using his training well?
Howley: Please. It was in a..
Moss: I don’t want to know.
They were too close to the ropes for any real damage to be made but Rick was able to grab the bottom rope. Justice obeying the rules let’s go of the hold almost immediately and gets to his feet. Rick takes a moment for himself and shakes out his knee before rushing at Justice, who quickly scoops up Rick and slams him to the mat , as the crowd cheers him on. Justice waves to the crowd but the second of distraction allowed Rick to throw a kick to his gut, and follow it up with one to the face.
Moss: Broadway looking to give himself some space with those two kicks.
Howley: Kick that stupid mustache off his face!
Moss: Seems like a bit of an overstatement.
Howley: Not at all. Still hasn’t gotten me out of that parking ticket!
Moss: And it all makes sense now.
It didn’t seem to have any effect on Justice, only served as a means to motivate him. As Justice stumbled backwards Rick got to his feet. Justice dazed momentarily clotheslined Rick and kept running the ropes, and then shoulder tackled him in quick succession. Justice picked up Rick and tossed him into the corner and drove his shoulder into his midsection over and over again.
Howley: That seems like excessive force! Someone should take his badge!
Moss: Relax. Just pay the ticket.
Howley: It’s the principle!
Rick stumbles out of the corner as Justice grabs him by the wrist. He was able to get Justice to let go of the hold and shove Justice into the ropes. As Justice rebounded Rick went for a lazidical lariat that Justice could see coming from a mile away. In the blink of any eye….
Moss: You can’t escape The Long Arm of The Law!
Howley: Not without a great lawyer.
Moss: Seriously?
Justice had the Reverse Chicken Wing Sleeper locked in and Rick faded fast and was out before the ref could even check him.
Howley: Excessive and unnecessary!
Moss: But highly effective and legal.
Robbins: The winner of this match Via Technical Submission…. SARGENT JUSTICE!
Howley: The long arm of the law proves lethal here tonight Moss!
Moss: Sargeant Justice now two and zero in Classic Wrestling! Starting his career off with nothing but wins here.
Howley: But can he keep it up!
Business
Back at the podium just down from the announce desk and adjacent to the ring Otto Price looks like a child standing next to the brand spankin’ new Premier American Champion, King Kong Frank.
Frank has the belt tucked into the top of his overalls and swaying back and forth with his every erratic movement. Otto finds himself once again with the unenviable task of keeping a microphone close enough to Frank to get an interview, yet far enough away to keep him from trying to eat it.
Wrestling is weird.
Otto Price: I’m here with-
Frank doesn’t appear to be in the mood for small talk.
KKF: Lissin’ here, Otto, I ain’t come out here to yack jaws wit’cha an’ make perty fer the cameras! I came out to let these CLASSIC RASSLIN’ fans get a good look at this here-
Frank yanks belt out of his overalls, pulling loose one of the denim straps in the process. Unbothered by the single-strapped look the Smoky Mountain Savage thrusts the belt up high in the air.
KKF: -’MURICAN CHAMP’NSHIP BELT!
And the crowd goes, well, let’s call it bananas.
KKF: Now I ain’t gon’ lie, that big beefy boy YAMA wadn’t no joke! He can take ‘em just as good as he can give ‘em, but ol’ KAYNG KAWNG FRANK gave him a little more’n I reckon he thought he was gonna get iff’n ya know what I mean!
The Classic fans are no less behind Frank now than they were on the very first night of CLASSIC Wrestling all those months ago. Tonight they are eating right out of the palm of his hand and he loves it.
KKF: Now if I ever learned a daggum thing about fightin’ fer the good ol’ U-S-of-A from my ol’ Granpappy it’s that ever’body in the world is gonna want a shot at the title, an’ there ain’t no good reason not to give it to ‘em if they got the guts enough to try an’ take it!
Otto finally manages to get a few words in.
Otto Price: What’re you gettin’ at, Frank?
KKF: Reckon’ I gots me some unfinished business with that Holo Make feller! And more’n that, I reckon he gots hisself some NEW business with me seein’ how he’s the number one contender to this!
Frank brandishes the red, white, blue, and gold belt with all of the gusto that you’d imagine as he slams it hard onto the top of the podium.
KKF: Well big’un, how ‘bout next week you meet me up in that there rasslin’ ring an’ see if you whip my butt again! They’s a few fellers done whipped me once, boy, but there ain’t daggum NONE what’s ever put me down TWICE!
UNNARSTANNIT?
AN’ YOU BETTER BE READY FOR ME TO BREAK OFF ONE’A MY FOOTS IN YER HIND END, CUZ I AIN’T LETTIN’ THIS HERE ‘MERICAN TITLE GO UNTIL SOMEBODY BEATS ME SO BAD I CAN’T HOLD ON TO IT NO MORE!
- YOU. UNNARSTANNIT???
HOOOOOOO-AAAAAAHHH!!!
With that Frank snatches the belt back from the podium and raises it high again for the fans to get a good look at it as he marches around the ring hooting and hollaring and making a general hullabaloo as the show cuts away to your local promotional opportunities!
Cut.
All Natur-BULL!
Backstage Chick Grillbreast is patting himself down with a Towel while simutaneously flexing into a mirror. Not showing off to anyone, he’s actually impressing himself with these recent gains. With his debut going off without a hitch, he’s more confident than ever.
Suddenly a knock…
Who could that be? Chick isn’t expecting anyone based on the look of confusion on his face. He saunters over to the door with his chest out, as if he had any choice. He slowly opens the door where he sees another hulking figure in the way.
It’s Derek Miracle!
Derek Miracle: Hey Chick, I just want you to know man to man, I just finished watching your match out there tonight, and let me say right off the bat… you got some skills!
Chick smirks, finally people see how great he is!
Derek Miracle: As a body builder myself it’s incredble seeing you out there pulling off some of those moves… I know I couldn’t.
Chick goes to speak but he’s cut off again.
Derek Miracle: Because no one can…. At least not anyone who’s not… On the gas…
RAGE fills the eyes of Chick.
Derek Miracle: Maybe I’m wrong about that… Maybe I’m not. What I do know is you’re not as strong as I am, and I’m willing to prove it. Next week here on Classic Wrestling on RBTV, you and me…. WEIGHT LIFTING CONTEST! Bring your best proteins, bring your best Niacin, Bring your best pre workout… Bring your best gameface, you’re going to need it when you get embarrased!
Chick Grillbreast: You tiny miniscule man! How dare you! You know what!? YOU’RE ON!
They both make angry faces and nod before Derek heads back for his locker room. Chick looks down at his own 8 pack.
Chick Grillbreast: You think he’s impressed!?
Randall Schwartz vs Lunchbox Larry
We’re back at ringside for what could well be a cracker of a match, as we see Randall Schwartz and Lunchbox Larry already in the ring, the latter having Bobby Dean at ringside keeping a watchful eye as we get the ring introductions from Harold Robbins.
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Hollywood, and weighing in tonight at 176 pounds…RANDALL SCHWAAAARTZ!
The crowd boos as Randall taunts them, turning his attention back to Larry with a sneer.
Robbins: And his opponent, from Westbrook, Maine, weighing in at 277 pounds…LUNCHBOOOOOX LAAAARRY!
The crowd cheers for Larry, but he is soon blindsided by Randall who comes in hot with a right hand! Spencer Fuller manages to get control of things before calling for the bell!
DING! DING! DING!
Randall goes right back on the attack with some hard kicks to Larry, really looking to make an example out of him as he sends the big man toward the corner before charging at full speed…only for Larry to dodge it at the last second! The momentum sends Randall crashing into the turnbuckle with a thud!
Moss: Randall trying to get the jump on Larry there, but to no avail!
Howley: I swear, Randall didn’t learn a THING from Gnash trying this a few weeks ago!
We see Bobby having a laugh about this at ringside, which infuriates Randall…and the slight distraction is enough for Larry to get the upper hand! He wears Randall down with some lefts and rights, before sending Schwartz to the ropes! Clothesline by Larry, and Randall goes down hard to the canvas! Now it’s Larry on the attack, as he stomps away at Randall to wear the Entertainer down before calling for Lunchtime–but NO! Randall hastily rolls out of the ring to avoid disaster!
Moss: Randall getting the heck out of Dodge there, Howley!
Howley: That’s the genius at work there, Moss. Randall needs a breather and a chance to regroup!
Randall stares down Bobby Dean, jawjacking the Beautiful One as Larry exits the ring…but Randall catches him by surprise, sending Larry into the steel steps with an Irish whip! The crowd boos the move, something Randall relishes in as he goes right back to badmouthing Bobby as Fuller begins the count.
ONE…
TWO…
This allows Larry to get back to his feet, spinning the Entertainer around before delivering a big right hand that makes Bobby proud! The impact sends Randall flying backward, right into the arms of Bobby as Spencer continues.
THREE…
FOUR…
Bobby shoves Randall back toward Larry, who sends the man from Hollywood back into the ring. As Larry slides back into the ring, we notice that Bobby has something in his hand that he takes great delight in. A slip of paper.
Moss: Wait a minute, is that…?
Howley: That’s Randall’s wrestling license! That fiend Bobby Dean has done it again!
Randall is slow to his feet, but notices Bobby holding his license…which angers the Entertainer, shouting at Bobby to hand the paper back. Bobby refuses with a big grin as he tears the license into pieces, infuriating Randall to the point where he shouts at Fuller to eject Bobby from ringside! Fuller doesn’t fully understand what Bobby has done wrong, which only makes Randall more and more angry…and the Entertainer has had enough! He shoves Fuller, who admonishes him with a warning…and that only drives Randall to the point of knocking him down to the canvas! Larry is in shock at this turn of events, as Fuller calls for the bell!
Moss: Wait, what just happened here!?
Howley: Randall got pushed to the point of no return here, and struck a referee in his anger! You just don’t DO that, Moss!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner as a result of a disqualification…LUNCHBOX LARRY!
The crowd cheer for Larry’s big albeit odd win here tonight, as Bobby steps in to celebrate. Randall is still incensed over the whole ordeal, shoving both Larry and Bobby until the pair respond with a pair of right hands right to the noggin! Randall drops down, much to the delight of the crowd as we cut back to commentary!
Moss: Folks, this match took a strange turn to say the least. We know that Randall Schwartz has been obsessed with maintaining his wrestler’s license, but to go to these lengths about it is uncalled for!
Howley: I’ll tell you what’s uncalled for, Patrick…Bobby Dean ripping up the man’s license! Randall’s been on edge for months, and this might’ve been the last straw!
Moss: Folks, we’re going to get away from all this mess, and come back to you with more Classic action shortly!
Victories and Glory
Out in the suburbs, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the blue sky is radiant and a lovely white picket fence frames a medium sized colonial home. Little flower pots are to each side of the front door, with petunias protruding proudly. The alliterative plants add a dash of color to the plain white facade.
After a few moments the front door opens, and a smiling Scott Hunter answers with a big smile, teeth gleaming, and he waves us forward.
“Oh! Hello there! Come on in!”
The camera moves forward, pauses, and Hunter waves us in one more time.
“Come in! Come in! Greetings!”
Our view moves in through the door and follows Scott Hunter to his living room. He leans on a piece of crown molding adorning the arched entrance to his den and smiles his best “genuine” smile.
“It’s been a hard couple of weeks for ol’ Scotty Hunter, let me tell you. I lost a match to a man who smells like herbal tea and talks like he just fell out of a Tarzan movie. Furthermore, his ridiculously disgusting bare feet caused an outbreak of athlete’s foot in the shower room places, and IT WON’T STOP ITCHING!!”
Hunter’s irritation is evident, but he calms himself down again with a Buddhist chant. ‘O Partridge Periwinkle Ravioli…. Ommmmmm’.
“I want everyone in Classic Wrestling to understand something right now, and I’ve brought this camera crew here to get this in person so you can all give me your full attention. First of all, if you think I’m done for after my loss to Wong-Pei the Monkey Boy over there, you have one thing coming, and then, you have ANOTHER thing coming! And second of all, the facts are that I am still the holder of a record unmatched by anyone else in this company! No one else is four and four like me! I’m not even sure what those numbers signify, but I KNOW THEY MATTER!”
Hunter turns and wanders toward his kitchen, where several 8x10s are splayed out on the counter.
“And finally, the morons who work in the Classic Wrestling office sent me a bunch of ideas for sponsorships and want me to give some feedback on some advertising opportunities, and while the idea of… ‘Holo Make Presents Tough Actin’ Tinactin’ is both catchy and makes perfect sense on account of his foot smell that bleaches carpets and makes janitors in elementary school put a bunch of sawdust on it to clean it up… I’m not interested in putting ads all over my house, all over my person, all over my car, all over my podcast… and WHY IS HOLO MAKE HANGING OUT AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS?!”
He nods.
“Good questions. Another good question, I think that man is half man half grasshopper. Swear to God, rub his legs together and you’d swear you were on a camping trip. So why are we letting grasshoppers wrestle?! It makes no sense! Craig, make this make sense!”
From offscreen, Scott’s friend Craig says back, “I can’t.”
Hunter points at him.
“Exactly! No one knows the answer! Well here’s what I do know the answer to. I know the answer to the question, what’s next for Scott Hunter? And the answer is VICTORIES AND GLORY! Also, I need to pick up some bread at the store and do my dry cleaning, BUT MOSTLY VICTORIES AND GLORY!”
Hunter walks a few steps further and his eyes catch the sight of a small box of Hungry Jack pancake mix.
“Craig! I’m hungry. Turn this dusty mix into pancakes for me!”
Craig audibly sighs as the scene fades.
Real Worlds Award!
Back inside the studio we see Otto Price standing poised at his podium as the fans murmur in the background. He is smiling wide, looking right at the camera. The camera zooms out a bit and now you can see a large plaque is placed alongside the podium.
“Life in the Fastlane” by The Eagles hits, and the fans erupt. They didn’t know if they’d get the chance to see him as he wasn’t booked on the card. The King of Metropolis is not one to disappoint.
Price: Ladies and Gentlemen, your reigning REAL WORLDS CHAMPION…. Please welcome in “METRO” VITO VALENTINO!
Through the curtain comes the champion with his Sunglasses shining in the bright lights. He saunters over to Otto and unbuckles the championship around his waist. He holds high into the air and fans cheer for it. He then lies it across the podium.
Price: Vito! Or should I call you Metro! Welcome back to Classic Wrestling here on RBTV! Just a few weeks ago you defeated Lord Colossus one on one, retaining your championship at CAPITAL CLASH! What are your plans next?
Metro smiles wide and leans into the mic.
Vito Valentino: Otto I’m so excited to be here, back in front of all the great fans here in Cleveland! Honey, we’re home!
The fans know where their bread is buttered.
Vito: My plans include beating the very best here in Classic Wrestling and once again retaining my championship against all comers. Rumor has it the next Classic Wrestling Pay Per View is the biggest one of them all Otto, do I have that right?
The fans buzz in anticipation.
Price: That’s the word on the street Metro!
Howley: What street is Price on?
Vito: Well we’ll see what the people up top got lined up for me, but in the meantime I wanted to come here and thank everyone for supporting us this far, and for cheering me on against Lord Colossus!
Price: Well it’s certainly an exciting time Vito, we here at Classic Wrestling wanted to congratulate you on your most recent achievement however! That’s becoming the LONGEST Reigning REAL World’s Champion in history! We’ve had this congratulatory plaque made up in your honor~!
Vito beams wide, excited by the surprise. He can’t believe it. The fans stand and cheer loudly for the champ. Otto goes to hand him the plaque and as he’s reading it, a large white blur comes from behind him.
Moss: OH MY GOD!
Shujin Yama in full Gi comes crashing from behind the champion and bowls him to the floor. All the while Sensei Abe Lincoln cheers him on. Yama picks up Vito to his knees, and kicks him square in the chest. The sickening slap of flesh on flesh cracks out across the studio.
Yama picks up the plaque they just presented Vito and slams it down across his head. Glass goes flying everywhere and fans scream out in terror. Afraid for Vito.
Valentino crashes down to the floor seemingly out of it. Shujin grabs the REAL WORLDS CHAMPIONSHIP, holds it up in the air. Sensei Abe Lincoln now leans into the microphone.
Lincoln: Former Greatest PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPION, now want to fight REAL WORLDS CHAMPION!
He slams the microphone down as Yama yells down at Vito with a finger pointed at him. We now see Vito is bleeding from the head and is in medical trouble. As Yama moves out of the way, paramedics move in to help the champion. Yama drops the title on the floor on his way out.
Moss: What is that guys problem!
Howley: He wants the title, he wants to send a message, seems pretty clear…
Moss: This is NOT the way we do things in Classic Wrestling!
Howley: Are you going to stop him?
REPOSSESSED vs THE BOLTS
We come back to ringside, and…Repossessed and The Bolts are duking it out in the ring already!?
Moss: Welcome back, folks! During the break we saw absolute chaos erupt between these teams, who are more than eager to get things going already!
Howley: Robbins got knocked out in the fracas! That’s twice in one night folks are getting fined, methinks!
Felipe Chicota finally manages to control the situation, and we get Gnash and Muninn in the ring as Chicota calls for the bell to start the match officially!
DING! DING! DING!
The two barely wait before trading lefts and rights, clearly a clash of titans here as Muninn sends Gnash to the ropes looking for a clothesline on the rebound…but Gnash ducks under, hitting a forearm smash instead that sends Munnin reeling back! Huginn wastes no time as he tags himself in, charging at Gnash…who catches Huginn with a drop toe hold! Gnash makes the tag to Haul, and the two gang up on Huginn with some stomps as Chicota tries to restore order. Gnash finally takes the hint and goes back to the apron as Haul continues the attack on Huginn, bringing the big man to his feet before looking for the fallaway slam–but Huginn’s just a little too big to give way, and he clobbers Haul with an elbow!
Moss: Huginn really showing his strength here with that elbow!
Howley: Haul’s gonna have to rethink his strategy here!
Huginn drags Haul over to the corner, tagging in Muninn as the pair lay the heavy offense in thick with some stomps and elbow strikes. They bring Haul to his feet, sending him to the ropes before connecting with a double clothesline on the rebound! Chicota tells Huginn to get back to the corner, but the big man ignores him as The Bolts continue their assault…only for Haul to finally get to his feet, sending Huginn out with a clothesline over the top rope! Muninn goes for a big right hand, but Haul dodges it…and gets the hot tag to Gnash!
Moss: And here we go, folks!
Howley: Let’s see what you’re made of, Gnash!
Gnash comes in like a bat out of, well, you know, and sends Muninn to the corner with a big shoulder tackle! Muninn looks a bit shook from the onslaught, an opening that Gnash takes advantage of as he stomps a proverbial mudhole into the big man! The crowd is loving it as Gnash brings Muninn back to his feet…only to drop him with a kneeling jawbreaker!
Moss: Gnashing of Teeth!
Howley: Could this be it!?
Gnash goes for the cover as Chicota makes the count, while Haul keeps Huginn at bay at ringside!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners…the team of Haul and Gnash…REPOSSESSED!
Gnash and Haul decide to take any sort of celebration out of the ring, hightailing it out before Huginn can get to them as we cut to commentary.
Moss: In a shocking turn of events, Repossessed managed to overcome the might of The Bolts and pick up a win!
Howley: Walt Whezl is not gonna enjoy this one bit, Patrick!
The Swindlers’ Apprentice
The feed fades to another location. We find ourselves in a Las Vegas day spa, in the company of two rather AMAZING Tag Team Champions – CARLO and GOMEZ AMARETTO.
Carlo: Avanti, puny-minded masses Classique Wrestling! And a thousand pardons that we cannot attend tonight’s spectacular event!
The Evil Abra is laid up on a massage bed, grinning deviously and puffing on a cigar. A masseuse is delicately working her hands into the muscles of his back.
Gomez: Although, can such an event be considered “spectacular” without our AMAZING presence? I am not so sure!
Not far away, the Killer Kadabra enjoys a pina colada while reclining back in a sun chair. A personal pedicurist diligently files down his toenails.
Carlo: As you can see, Gomez and I are taking some much deserved rest and relaxation after our triumphant performance at Capital Clash!
Gomez: Even the power of magic needs to take a break every now and again! And our magic has been hard at work these past months, dazzling the peasantry and dominating the tag team scene!
Carlo: But do not fear, you pitiful rabble… for when you next see your AMAZING Tag Team Champions return to the ring, it shall be a spectacle of EPIQUE proportions!
Gomez: Bully for YOU, you ignorant drolls! And woe to the next set of unlucky volunteers who will be appearing in our next act!
Astute viewers would notice that his feet are propped upon the stacked remains of a broken surfboard.
A door swings open, and the brothers’ not-so-lovely assistant SUZIE storms into the room, impatiently puffing down a menthol Pall Mall with both arms burdened by the weight of the Tag Team Championship belts.
Suzie: Arright, youse guys, this is baloney…
There’s an annoyed twang in her voice. She angrily throws the straps to the ground between the brothers. It gets their attention.
Suzie: Youse guys said I could be part of the act if I helped you win, and all youse had me doin’ since then is shine these stupid title belts.
Carlo thoughtfully strokes his goatee.
Carlo: But… did you really help us win?
Suzie: I tried gettin’ youse the magic wand, didn’t I?
Gomez deviously twirls his mustache.
Gomez: True, but, if I recall correctly, that was to no avail.
Carlo: Indeed! In fact, it was only thanks to OUR inconceivable ingenuity and masterful showmanship that we managed to leave with those titles!
Gomez: For you see, Suzie, you feeble-minded female… being a master of magic is a delicate balance of important skills and talents!
A deck of cards materializes in Carlo’s hand. He waves it enchantingly through the air before spreading it apart and pulling out the Ace of Hearts. With a flick of his fingers, the card disappears in thin air!
Carlo: It requires TIMING… and FOCUS… and SUBTLETY! Qualities that YOU, quite obviously, still lack!
Across the room, Gomez flicks his own fingers… and the same card appears in his hand.
Gomez: And until you develop these abilities, we’re afraid your apprenticeship must invariably continue!
Suzie shrinks, like a child who has been denied the promise of ice cream.
Carlo: Ahh, but do not don’t worry, dear Suzie! There will be PLENTY of opportunities for you to rise to the occasion in proving that for at least once, you can make yourself useful!
Gomez: For now, keep practicing your hand-eye coordination by continuing to polish those belts!
Carlo: Yes! Repetitive motions and mundane tasks are KEY to your training!
Gomez: Now POLISH, foul woman! Polish until you can see every feature of your haggard face in their reflection!
Suzie huffs briefly in anger… but her eyes gloss over with apathy, as being dead inside for many a year have left her numb to the feeling of heartbreak. She bends over to pick up the belts and slinks out of the room…
Suzie: I’ve quit bettah jobs than this…
The door closes behind her with a SLAM, prompting the Amarettos to roll their eyes in unison. With her out of their hair, they redirect their devious grins to the viewers at home.
Carlo: See? THAT is how you make a not-so-lovely assistant DISAPPEAR!
Gomez: Because we are masters of the MIND just as well as the MAT!
Carlo: But the show has only just begun on our magnificent, magical reign as YOUR Tag Team Champions! For in our next dazzling performance, we will yet again marvel you ignorant worms with fantastic feats the likes of which you have never seen!
Gomez: Because anything and EVERYTHING we do, whether it be magic tricks or magical triumphs, is nothing short of being absolutely…
They wink to each other. Viewers at home cringe and cover their ears to brace themselves.
Carlo & Gomez: A-MAAAAAAA-ZIIIIIINNNG!!!
The twin magicians cackle in over-theatrical arrogance as the shot fades to black
That’s Mikey!
“WIIIIIIILD SIIIIDDDEE!”
The people are on their feet as Motley Crue’s “Wild Side” begins to play over the PA system, heralding the appearance of the incomparable “Feral” Freddy Kilgore! Kilgore bursts through the curtain like a bat out of hell, snarling and flexing as he’s cheered on by all his Wild Hearts!
Kilgore begins his stomp toward the ring. About halfway there he stops, turning to the front row… and rustling the hair of one special young fan!
Moss: That’s Mikey! He’s the head of Freddy Kilgore’s fan club and he’s here tonight as a special guest of Papa Wild Thang!
Hawley: How grand.
As Mikey’s Dad shoots Kilgore a thumbs up, The King of the Jungle moves on, flexing into the camera as he finishes his walk toward the ring. He walks up the ring steps, into the ring, and right up to the top rope to flex and HOOOOOWWWWLL to his Wildhearts… who respond in kind.
Freddy Kilgore vs Lord Colossus vs Carlos Ruiz
Back to ringside we see our three opponents in the ring for the main event of the evening.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen up next is our MAIN EVENT, and is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!
The fans get excited at the pure size and star power in the ring. They yell their asses off. It’s a sight to behold.
Robbins: Introducing first… Hailing from THE VOID! He weighs in at 350 pounds, and stands at SEVEN feet tall… Being accompanied to the ring by his manager, Walt Whezl… THIS IS LORD COLOSSUS!
The fans boo out loudly. Colossus leans over the top rope and stares a whole through a particularly mouthy fan. Whezl is just happy to be here, soaking in his monster’s chances.
Robbins: Also in the ring, hailing from THE WILD SIDE! He weighs in at 282 pounds, and stands six feet six inches! Being accompanied to the ring by WildKat, THIS IS “FERAL” FREDDY KILGORE!
The fans stand and applaud one of their favorites! The camera zooms in on little Mikey Collins, president of Freddy’s fan club wearing matching facepaint with Papa Wild Thang. Kilgore pumps the crowd up some more.
Robbins: And finally… Hailing from Madrid, Spain, he weighs in at 212 Pounds…He stands six feet tall. Making his return to Classic Wrestling… THIS IS CARLOS RUIZ!
The fans get loud once more. They are very excited to see their Spanish Luchadore back in Classic Wrestling!
Moss: What a matchup this is poised to be! Three very different styles in there!
Howley: You’re not kidding Moss, We’ve got one of the largest men I’ve ever seen, against an absolute Powerhouse in Freddy Kilgore, I mean, the man SLAMMED Shujin Yama! The only person thus far. Against Carlos Ruiz, who has a very small stature compared to these two but is known to hold his own against anyone in the world. What an enticing matchup!
The managers leave the ring and the bell is rung. Kilgore and Ruiz both stay in their corners, watching their opponents. Lord Colossus stares directly forward, not really eyeing anyone. Carlos is the first to move and takes a couple steps out of his corner. Suddenly music hits…
“Train of Consequences” by Megadeth plays loud as the fans begin to boo. Walking out in his finest clothing is “All Business” Alex Bruder. He moves halfway to the ring, stares down Freddy Kilgore who now gives AB his full attention. Bruder then saunters over to the commentary booth where Thunderbird is well too happy to welcome him to the team.
Howley: Here he comes! Looks like we’re getting the night off Moss, I don’t have to talk to you now!
Moss: Very funny!
Bruder grabs a headset as a stagehand brings him a seat. He sits next to Thunderbird shaking his hand in the process. Completely ignoring Patrick Moss.
Bruder: Howley, nice to join you tonight. Kilgore seemed to think he had something worth showing me, and it would seem impolite to turn down that offer. Maybe “Wild” Kat has some extra paint on her, and he’ll jam it in Ruiz’s eyes.
Moss: We both know that’s not what he’s going to show us!
From behind Lord Colossus takes advantage of the distraction given by Bruder. He clubs Freddy Kilgore on the top of his neck and shoulders. Carlos is quick to enter the fray and peppers some quick shots and kicks in the midsection of the seven foot monster. With Kilgore in the corner, Colossus turns to face Carlos and lumbers towards him. Each footstep shakes the ring a bit. Just before he backs Ruiz all the way up, Papa Wild Thang hits him from behind with a huge kick to the back. This sends Colossus careening to the floor with a splat.
Moss: Kilgore has dynamite in those legs! One kick can mean the end of the match, and he just showed Colossus that he’s not too much smaller than the big man!
Bruder: No lie, there, Moss. I’ve been on the business end of that boot of his, and it’s about as much fun as you’d guess.
Watch out, here comes Carlos!
Ruiz dives from the top rope to the outside at Colossus with a flipping body block! The fans are on their feet to watch him dive. Colossus catches him. Eyes go wide and mouths drop everywhere.
Moss: Oh no! He caught him, he’s almost got him up for the Volt Thrower already!
Walt Whezl tries coaching him through it, but two seconds later, another blur comes diving from the ring and lands on both. Everyone falls to the floor.
Moss: FERAL FREDDY KILGORE JUST DOVE OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TO ONTO BOTH CARLOS AND LORD COLOSSUS!
Howley: EVERYONE IS DOWN! Kilgore is a whole lot of man to be flying like that!
Kevin Clady begins his count from inside the ring. All three men struggle to their feet. Kilgore is up first and rolls back in, followed by Carlos Ruiz. The two square off in the middle and lock up. Kilgore ducks under one of the arms of Ruiz and applies a painful hammerlock. Ruiz is quick to roll out of the move and sweep the leg of Feral Freddy. He goes for a quick cover, but Kilgore is out before the ref can get set.
Moss: Of course “All Business”, you haven’t been getting along well with Freddy Kilgore, and that culminated in a match at Capital Clash!
Bruder: You think I step into a ring to get along, Moss? I’m in Classic Wrestling because that’s where the best wrestlers are, and in the ring you’re seeing three of the biggest stars in all of wrestling. I don’t want to make nice with any of them, I just want to defeat them and send them on their way, like I did at Capital Clash, and like I intend to do for a very long time.
Moss: So you’re not harboring any animosity about how your match with Kilgore ended?
Bruder: I got a win on pay-per-view. Nothing better to ice a bruise than cold hard cash.
Ruiz moves into a laying front facelock on Kilgore, who stops and thinks for a moment on how to escape. It doesn’t matter because one second later Colossus crashes onto both with a double legdrop across both men’s backs.
Howley: SPLAT! He just squashed Carlos like a Spanish Fly! Kilgore didn’t fare too well either!
Bruder: No amount of training prepares you for 350 pounds of unbridled menace landing square on top of you.
Colossus picks up both men by the head and holds them apart before crashing their bodies together in the middle of the ring. Both men go different directions after the impact. Colossus chases down Kilgore and picks him up once more. With two hands around the neck he tosses him back first into the corner. He then swings his left arm with a ferocious hook. Wildkat on the outside yells for Kilgore to “DUCK!” he does just in time and finds himself behind Colossus. He leaps and dropkicks him in the back sending him chest first into the turnbuckle. Kilgore gets on all fours and when Colossus stumbles out, he trips over “The Feral One”. On two turnbuckles climb both Kilgore and Ruiz. They signal to one another before leaping in unison as LC finds his feet.
Moss: DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICKS!
Colossus flies like he hasn’t before, finally slamming on to his back near the corner.
Howley: What a double team! These guys realize they are going to have to team up to beat this guy!
Bruder: It’s a great tactic, using their numbers against Lord Colossus. Either Ruiz or Kilgore could take him on a really good day by themselves, but isn’t it easier to gang up on him?
Ruiz turns and runs right at Kilgore and the two of them engage in back and forth fisticuffs. Kilgore tries to irish whip Carlos but he’s able to put on the brakes and reverse the momentum. Freddy ends up running instead. Carlos turns sideways as his opponent bounces. Then he takes his shot.
Moss: Spanish Eyes….KILGORE DUCKS!
Bruder: SO CLOSE!
As Carlos regains his balance Kilgore keeps running faster. This time he comes back and lifts his own leg.
Moss: Call of the… NOW CARLOS DUCKS!
Howley: Both men miss the big kicks! Let’s see Colossus get his leg up there!
LC is still sitting in the corner, shaking off the cobwebs and getting council from Walt Whezl.
Kilgore turns and it’s Carlos’ forearm he sees. Three in quick succession find their mark. Carlos grabs an arm of Kilgore and falls. Using his momentum he tosses Kilgore to the mat with authority.
Moss: What an armdrag! Did you see that! He slapped him down like a slam.
Howley: Looks like he’s learned a thing or two since his injury! Carlos won’t give anyone in this match an easy out.
Kilgore gets back up and finds himself trapped in another armdrag. SLAM. Carlos hits it again. He goes for a cover.
ONE…
TWO…
Kickout by Freddy Kilgore!
Carlos slaps the mat before reaching out to the fans who begin to clap for him. He stands up and waits for Kilgore to get up. From behind Colossus grabs him in a full nelson, lifts him high off the ground and SLAMS him down hard on the mat.
Howley: Thanks for coming Carlos! Did you see his head bounce!
The official checks on Carlos after the rough looking move.
Bruder: It’s been a pleasure, Thunderbird, but I’ve got to go!
Moss: Wait Alex, where are you…
Kilgore is up on one end of the ring as Colossus tries to push past the referee to get to Carlos. From behind him Alex Bruder climbs the ringsteps and reaches over the top rope…
Moss: COBRA CLUTCH! He’s got it locked in on Kilgore.
Freddy starts flailing. After two seconds he stops, and suddenly drops to his backside on purpose. The momentum pulls Bruders neck down across the top rope and bounces him not only out of the hold, but sends All Business flying off the ring. Kilgore gets back up trying to catch his breath but it’s Lord Colossus who gets his hands on him first. He kicks him in the gut and scoops him up in one fluid motion.
Howley: HERE IT COMES!
Moss: VOLT THROWER!
The powerbomb connects and Lord Colossus makes the cover.
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!
The bell rings and Walt Whezl loses his mind with happiness. He moves into the ring, making sure to stay close to Colossus. As Alex Bruder recovers outside he turns to find Kilgore holding his own head but standing right in front of him. Alex turns to run but Kilgore catches him after only a few steps. The two start fighting briefly with Kilgore getting the better of the brawl before Bruder finds the eyes of the Feral one! He gets away after a quick rake of the eyes. Freddy eventually makes chase through the curtain.
Inside the ring Lord Colossus stands victorious as Motorhead rings out across the studio.
The fans boo Colossus. When Carlos makes his way out of the ring and to the back he gets a quick standing applause, but quickly the crowd is back to booing Lord Colossus.
Moss: What a triple threat main event that turned out to be! Lord Colossus at the end of the day ends up victorious! In convincing fashion at that! The Volt Thrower might just be THE move in Classic Wrestling today!
Thunderbird: Well without a doubt, Alex Bruder had something to do about that, but you know, when a guy can’t keep your name out of his mouth, sometimes you have to shut them up yourself! I think Alex Bruder and I think the same way. But whatabout Carlos Ruiz! Six foot nothing, with all of the fight in the world!
Moss: A great showing by Carlos, and glad to see him back in Classic Wrestling, unfortunately didn’t come out on top of this one! We’re out of time Ladies and Gentlemen, for Joel “Thunderbird” Howley, and Otto Price, I’m Patrick Moss, tune in next time for the fallout of tonight on Classic Wrestling on RBTV!