Welcome To Classic Wrestling: Episode 12
“Flying High Again” by Ozzy Osbourne hits on the Studio speakers.
The CLASSIC Wrestling splash logo explodes onto your television screen as the music screeches onward at a dizzying pace. The Classic Wrestling intro begins to play across the screen in a dazzling display of audio-visual excellence! A quick flash brings the camera inside of the Classic Wrestling Studio to a crane-shot showing the pristine ring, the iconic television set, and the jam-packed bleachers full of fans placed just on the other side of the ring. The fans do their part to get the show off to a rock solid start by doing what they do best…
Losing their entire minds!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
As the crowd dies down the camera lands on “Autobahn” Otto Price at his podium. He stands poised in a suit and tie, his large round glasses reflect a bit of the light. He smiles and brings the microphone up to his mouth, ready to talk to the camera.
Otto Price: Good Evening Classic Wrestling fans! I’m Otto Price and I’d like to welcome you to our TWELFTH EDITION of Classic Wrestling here on RBTV! I’m joined as always by my colleagues Patrick Moss, and Joel “Thunderbird” Howley!
The camera switches over to them. Thunderbird is flexing and daydreaming of yesteryear. Moss is just being his goofy ass self. Cut back to Otto.
Price: We’ve got a litany of matchups tonight that you wouldn’t believe! We’ve got the return of BDSM taking on the brand new tag team of Haul and Gnash, REPOSSESSED! That’s guaranteed to be an interesting contest! I certainly love a good dose of BDSM on Sunday nights!
The fans stare at Otto awkwardly.
Price: Not only that but we’re going to see one half of Surf Express Bro in Bowie Abrams, taking on Randall Schwartz whom we haven’t seen in some time! I wonder what he’s been up to!? Hopefully working on a gameplan for Mr. Abrams!
He shifts gears.
Price: On the slate is a HUGE matchup between the big up and comer, Holo Make, taking on King Kong Frank in what many consider a dream match! I just hope everyone can walk out of that match on both legs!
Howley: I wouldn’t want to be the referee in that one!
Otto adjusts some cards at his podium.
Price: We’re also going to hear from our REAL World’s Champion tonight, as he found out he’ll be facing Bradlee Nelson in his very first title defense! It was one week ago the young tag team specialist upset 3 other men to be named number one contender! We know that beginning last week we started a slate of 3 Championship shows! First up was Shujin Yama defending his Premier American Championship against Carlos Ruiz, and fortunately for Shujin, he was able to walk away still the champion last week! The question remains, will The Foreign Legion be able to have the same luck against The Amazing Amarettos? Tonight their Tag Team Championships will be on the line in our main event!
The fans in attendance get loud and excited for the big main event tonight.
Price: But right now let’s shift to ringside for some HOT HOT HOT wrestling action!
Freddy Kilgore vs Fenderbender Jones
As we move to the ring we see Fenderbender Jones running the ropes and warming up. The ring announcer mentions his name but the crowd isn’t here for Fenderbender tonight.
Moss: Here we go folks, another great evening of wrestling action, and up first we’ve got Fenderbender Jones in the ring! He’s lost a couple bouts here in Classic, but looking to rebound in a big way here tonight against one of Classic Wrestling fans favorites!
Howley: You know that’s right Moss, but it’s going to be a HUGE test, can you imagine the upset?
“Wildside” by Motley Crue plays over the loudspeakers and the fans come alive for one of their favorite Classic Superstars, as he and WildKat burst through the curtain. The pair run past the fans who reach out, eager to just get to touch the muscles of the Feral one.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen, his opponent. Hailing from the WILDSIDE! Being accompanied to the ring by WILDKAT! He weighs 275 lbs. “FERAL” FREDDY KILGORE!
Papa Wild Thing slides under the bottom rope and then bounces off of them a couple times. The fans react with ridiculous enthusiasm, meanwhile Fenderbender wonders how he didn’t get the same reaction. Seething with jealousy while Freddy leans between the ropes to go over some last minute strategy with Wildkat, Jones tries to take advantage and goes to club Papa Wild Thing from behind.
The bell rings as Kilgore turns around and is able to block the big right hand. Instead Papa Wild Thing uses his free arm to quickly clothesline his opponent to the mat. The fans jump with joy. Fenderbender falls into the corner, where Papa Wild Thing slaps him across the chest loud enough for it to echo through the Classic Studios. As the fans react, Kilgore sends Fenderbender off the ropes with an irish whip. On the return, Jones is able to duck the big boot attempt, he turns around and slaps a side headlock on the man from the Wildside!
Moss: Nice technique here by Fenderbender Jones!
Howley: What kind of guy giving up 70 lbs goes for a headlock?
Almost as if it was a preplanned line, Freddy Kilgore reverses the move at the mere mention of doing so from Thunderbird. With a quick pick up and a fall back Freddy is able to land a big belly to back suplex that leaves ol’ Jones holding his head in pain. Both men get back to their feet fairly quickly, Fenderbender ducks under a lock up attempt, and slides behind Papa Wild Thing this time. With a big forearm to the back of the head, Fenderbender turns and taunts towards the crowd that this one is OVER!
Moss: Wasting time, playing to the crowd is never a good idea! It only takes 3 seconds to win a match like this, and Fenderbender is choosing the fans over his opponent right now.
The fans boo back but when Jones turns around it’s Papa Wild Thing coming at him full speed. He turns just in time to catch the running big boot to the face which levels him to the mat. Papa Wild Thing, moving so quickly, he nearly stumbles over his opponent when he falls. The fans in attendance let out an equally satisfying and painful “OOOOOOOOOH” when the boot connects.
Howley: Forget Fenderbender…. He just got TOTALED!
Moss: CALL OF THE WILD!
Freddy Kilgore covers the man, but at this point it’s academic.
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!
The bell rings and the fans are back on their feet.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner of this match… “FERAL” FREDDY KILGORE!
The fans cheer louder and now Wildkat makes her way inside to congratulate her man on his win.
Moss: Fenderbender falls just short in this one, and Papa Wild Thing moves on to fight another day! Convincing win for the former PAC Champion!
CHECKING IN WITH A WILD THANG
Freddy Kilgore exits the ring through the middle rope, putting an arm around Wild Kat and raising a hand in victory to the cheering fans at ringside. As he begins to walk toward the back, he is stopped by an eager Otto Price – with microphone in hand.
Otto Price: “Feral” Freddy Kilgore! A dominating performance tonight for sure. Did you need that to get back on track after the loss to Shujin Yama? More importantly to me and all the fans at home: how are you feeling?
Freddy Kilgore’s eyes appear to nearly bug out of his skull. He removes his arm from around Wild Kat and leans into Otto Price’s mic with a face full of intensity.
Freddy Kilgore: OTTO MAAAAAAANNNN!!! You’re lucky I love you, brother.
Otto nods and smiles slightly, but continues to hold the mic for the bombastic Classic wrestler.
Freddy Kilgore: You see, Otto-Bot – there’s more than one way to win. Now I’m not going to whine, I’m not going to make excuses – and I’m damn sure not going to ignore reality. And the reality is: did Freddy Kilgore leave the Pay Per View as the Premier American Champion? No, baby… he did not.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kilgore doesn’t let the fan’s boos get to him. He holds up a hand as if to say, “wait a sec.”
Freddy Kilgore: Hold on! Hold on, my little Wild Hearts! You see, baby, lemme paint the picture for you: it’s Papa Wild Thang vs. Shujin Yama, mano-e-mano, battling it out for the Premier American Championship and SURROUNDED by legions of screaming Wild Hearts! And Freddy Kilgore does what he does best, baby – HE FEEDS OFF THE WILD HEARTS!
Kilgore motions all around to the fans in attendance, and they reward him with a round of cheers.
Freddy Kilgore: I COULD FEEL IT, OTTO-TUNE. THE POWER OF THE WILD HEARTS WAS FLOWING THROUGH MY VEINS!! INTO MY PUMPING HEART!! I COULD HEAR IT WITH EACH BEAT!!
Kilgore pumps his fist and mimics the sound of a heart beat.
Freddy Kilgore: BUMP BUMP! TAKE HIM DOWN! BUMP BUMP! TAKE HIM DOWN!
Freddy Kilgore: AND I REACHED DOWN DEEP, BABY, DEEPER THAN FREDDY KILGORE HAS EVER GONE!! AND I WRAPPED MY HANDS AROUND THAT MONSTER OF A MAN!! AND I FELT THE POWER!! AND I LIFTED SHUJIN YAMA UP…
Kilgore pantomimes a big slam.
Freddy Kilgore: AND I SLAMMED HIM INTO THE MAT, BABY!! AND THEN…
Kilgore suddenly stops being so animated. He pauses. He makes a “come here” motion beckoning Price to move the mic in closer. When he speaks, it’s as if he’s revealing a big secret.
Freddy Kilgore: I saw the fear in his eyes, Otto. Shujin Yama… the big bad dude… Frankenstein’s monster… the immovable object… he was scared, baby.
Kilgore breaks out into a grin before bringing the tempo back up.
Freddy Kilgore: AND I LOVED IT!! THE BULLY WAS GETTING A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!! AND WHAT DID HE DO?? HE KNEW HE COULDN’T STOP FREDDY KILGORE WHEN ALL THE WILD HEARTS WERE BEHIND HIM!! HE KNEW HE COULDN’T HANG ON THE WILD SIDE!! AND HE TOOK THE COWARDS WAY OUT!! HE HAD TO CHEAT, BABY!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Freddy Kilgore: AND EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T WALK OUT OF THAT MATCH AS PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPION, I STOOD IN THE FACE OF A MAN WHO MANY THOUGHT WAS UNSTOPPABLE AND I FORCED HIM TO CHEAT!!! I FORCED HIM TO ADMIT THAT HE COULDN’T TAKE PAPA WILD THANG STRAIGHT UP!!! AND THAT, OTTO-BAWN… IS ALMOST SWEETER THAN WALKING OUT WITH THE BELT!!!
YYYYAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!
Kilgore turns to look into the camera – and he POINTS!
Freddy Kilgore: And someday, Shujin Yama, your path is going to cross with Papa Wild Thang again. And we both know the outcome is going to be different. And Freddy Kilgore will bring home the Premier American Championship to all his Wild Hearts!
Otto Price: Very good! So I have to ask, with all that in mind: what’s next for “Feral” Freddy Kilgore?
Freddy Kilgore: I’ll tell you what Otto… I don’t know what the future holds. But I do have one thing to say to the rest of the Classic Roster.
Suddenly, Kilgore leans back and releases a primal…
HOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Freddy Kilgore: BRING IT ON, BABY!!!
Kilgore nods to Otto Price, wraps his hands around Wild Kat, and turns to head to the back.
Otto Price: Well there you have it! Back to you guys.
BDSM vs REPOSSESSED
“Beat it” By Michael Jackson plays over the loudspeakers as we gear up for our first tag team match of the evening.
Moss: Well here come two fan favorites!
Indeed the fans cheer loudly when the mismatched tag team comes through the curtain. Bobby Dean smiles and waves at the fans, when Larry tries to do the same, Bobby punches his elbow and tells him to focus up.
Robbins: The following match is a tag team match! Coming to the ring first, at a total combined weight of 646 Lbs…. “Beautiful” Bobby Dean, Lunchbox Larry…. BOBBY DEAN AND SOME MAN!
The pair get to the ring, Larry assures Bobby this is their first step in getting the Tag Team Titles back. This just enraged BBD further. The theme song fading out and a new one fading in snaps him out of it.
“Surprise! You’re Dead” by Faith No More begins to play and the fans are unsure on how to react at first. The music gets louder and through the curtain in a red robe comes one of the two men. He’s looking down at the ground, his hood hangs over his face, and finally he peels it back to reveal himself. His brother comes through the curtain without the choreography, holding a wrench, he spits on the ground before moving past his brother and marching towards the ring.
Robbins: and their opponents… Hailing from Tasmania, Australia, at a total combined weight of 395 Lbs… This is HAUL, This is GNASH… THIS IS REPOSSESSED!
The pair get into the ring, Haul takes off his robe and stainds stoic in the ring. His brother meanwhile paces back and forth itching to fight.
Howley: A New Tag Team here in Classic Wrestling?
Moss: That’s right Thunderbird, Haul and Gnash a pair of brothers from Australia, here ready to make a name for themselves in the good ol’ USA!
The bell rings and we’re underway here at Classic Studios.
Gnash and Lunchbox Larry start the match off.
Moss: It appears Lunchbox wants to start off with the old test of strength!
Howley: Who’s ever won a match that way?
Indeed Larry lifts one arm up to the sky, testing the Australian native. Gnash eyes up the hand in the air and slowly, careful goes to clasp it and engage. He steps in closer and locks hands with Larry. As Larry goes to move his second hand up in the air, Gnash instead chooses a more direct approach.
Moss: WOAH!
Howley: THAT’S HOW YOU WIN!
Gnash punches Lunchbox straight between the eyes with his free hand. Dropping the mid day meal fan. Without letting go of the clasped hand Gnash uses it to pull Larry into position before dropping a leg across his neck. He still holds the hand and slowly pulls Larry to his feet. Then sends him off the ropes. When Larry comes back he flips up and over Gnash who delivers a big back body drop!
Howley: Larry a little overwhelmed this early on here!
Larry gets right back up to his feet and circles back towards his opponent. When Larry comes with arms raised, Gnash is able to kick Lunchbox in the gut and deliver a quick and ugly suplex.
Gnash goes for a cover, but quickly Bobby Dean comes in to make a save.
Howley: I haven’t seen BBD move that fast, since they announced the new buffet opening at Jacks!
Moss: The man seems like he’ll do just about anything to get those Tag Team Titles back!
Gnash pulls Larry over to his corner and tags in his brother Haul. Gnash grabs Larry in a full nelson and Haul reers back and slaps him across the chest. The sound echos across the studio. Larry tries to cover up but cannot. The official begins to bark at Gnash to get out of the ring, after another slap he does just that.
Moss: Taking their time to get out of the ring!
Thunderbird: They get 5 seconds, why not take all of them? Maybe the rules are different in Australia, have you ever thought of that Moss? This is their first match, give them a break!
Haul now takes over for a few minutes. He is able to put Larry in an empty corner and lifts him to a seated position on the top turnbuckle. He climbs up as well and hooks Larry for the Superplex.
Moss: Oh no watch out! High risk maneuver coming up!
With the support of the fans, Lunchbox is able to block the attempt and hold on. A frustrated Haul tries again but still can’t lift Larry off of the pad. Upon further review, Larry has grapevined his leg around the rope. Larry puts both hands on the chest of Haul and pushes him off the turnbuckle. Haul lands on his back, Larry looks at the crowd who egg him on. He looks back down at Haul. Finally he leaps from the second rope with a big splash!
Moss: What a move!
Howley: No one’s going to accuse him of hang time that’s for sure!
Both men are down in the middle of the ring. Gnash is reaching for the tag and so is Bobby Dean!
Moss: Bobby actually wants in this thing!
Howley: Of course he does, the other guy is down!
The crowd all clap in rhythmic fashion as Larry drags his body to the corner. On the other side of the ring Haul tags out and Gnash comes in, he makes a mad scramble towards Larry but at the last second he makes the tag to Bobby Dean!
Moss: Here we go!
Bobby Dean steps through the ropes but Gnash is the faster striker. He’s able to hit multiple forearms but Bobby Dean doesn’t go down. Finally after a jumping forearm to the back of the head, Bobby is dropped to a knee. Gnash turns to his brother and motions that he’s got this handled. Meanwhile Bobby Dean…
Howley: Is that a weiner!?
Moss: No of course no….wait a minute…
Bobby Dean reaches into his tights and pulls out a hot dog in a bun. He takes a couple of quick bites and then tosses it to Larry. Lunchbox avoids catching it on purpose.
As Gnash turns back around he hits another forearm, but something weird begins to happen. Bobby Dean swallows the hot dog bites and begins to power through the onslaught.
Moss: Larry leading the crowd in a BOBBY chant now! Dean looks like he’s getting stronger!
Howley: Must have been the blood sugar! Been there!
Bobby stands up through the attack and Headbutts Gnash, sending him flying. Haul comes through the ropes illegally and runs towards Bobby. Dean leaps himself and Haul runs face first off the stomach and chest of “Beautiful” Bobby Dean and falls through the ropes. Bobby Dean lines up Gnash, he runs off the ropes and splashes onto Gnash.
Moss: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
Howley: Is that what he calls it? Wait here comes Haul!
Moss: Here comes Lunchbox!
ONE!
TWO!
Howley: LARRY CAUGHT HIM WITH THAT RUNNING PUNCH!
Moss: KNUCKLE SANDWICHHHHHHHHH!
THREE!
The bell rings as Larry falls onto Bobby crushing Gnash just a little bit more. The fans come alive as “Beat It” hits again.
Robbins: Here are your winners… BOBBY DEAN AND SOME MAN!
Moss: BDSM Takes home the win but HAUL AND GNASH have a good first showing, just came up a little short against the former champions!
Bobby Dean and Larry celebrate a bit in the ring before Bobby goes looking for the rest of his hotdog.
Bowie Abrams vs Randall Schwartz
“March and Fanfare” plays, sending the crowd into a big chorus of jeers as Randall Schwartz makes his way to the ring, flanked by a pair of local security as he taunts the crowd, threatening to sue anyone who touches him before he approaches the ring. Randall gets into the ring, and begins to egg on his opponent.
Robbins: Introducing first. Standing Five Feet Ten Inches tall, weighing in at One Hundred Seventy Six pounds. From Hollywood California…. RANDALL SCHWARTZ!!!!
Randall continues to egg on the fans and taunting the entrance as the familiar guitar licks and drum beats to “Nothin’ But a Good Time” by Poison hit your eardrums and from the back bounds Bowie Abrams and Bradlee Nelson in matching long tights and miles-wide smiles. They play to the studio audience, getting them into the show as they make their way to the ring. Bowie and Bradlee bump knuckles before Bradlee makes his way back to the back.
Robbins: And his Opponent.Standing Six feet two inches tall, weighing in at Two hundred and ten pounds. From Pocatello Idaho…. BOWIE ABRAMS!!
Both men stand in their corners and slowly approach one another. Randall feigns punching. As the bell rings neither man wastes a single second as Bowie and Randall exchange blows. With a flurry of lefts and rights both men trade back and forth. Randall begins to take the upper hand. Driving Bowie into the corner and whipping him to the opposite corner. Randall runs towards him, but stops just short of Bowie . Bowie has his hands up in defense. Randall waits for Bowie to lower his arms and when he does, he is met with a thumb to the eye. The red scolds Randall who doesn’t pay attention and chops Bowie.
Howley: Schwartz is lighting Bowie up with the heavy blows.
Moss: I don’t think this is the kind of lighting up Bowie is used to.
Howley: No but his chest is now glowing a bright red.
Moss: Let’s see if Bowie can fight back from this onslaught.
Randall chops again, and then weaves Bowie’s arms in the ropes. Randall runs back a few steps and throws his shoulder into the stomach of Bowie. Then again. Randall grabs Bowie by the hair and tosses him to the ground, before climbing to the middle rope and playing with the crowd. Randall turns around and eggs Bowie to get to his feet. Slowly he gets up grabbing his gut, as Randall leaps from the middle rope and goes for an Axhandle across Bowie’s head. At the last second Bowie’s side steps and throws a fist to the stomach of Randall, and hits the mat on both feet and flips.
Moss: Ass over teakettle.
Howley: Bowie needs to buy some time, this match has been all Schwartz.
Moss: That might’ve given the time and space needed.
Bowie leans on the ropes to catch his breath, as Randall pulls himself up to his feet using the ropes. Bowie runs at Randall and clotheslines him out of the ring and to the floor. Bowie tries to follow but the ref stops him before he can make it to the ground. Randall uses the apron to pull himself up and reaches for the boot of Bowie and yanks him to the ground. Randall drags Bowie from outside to the corner and wraps a knee around the post.
Moss: He could do some major damage right now, but he’s gotta be careful.
Howley: Careful? He’s in full control right now.
Moss: The ref might not be as lenient as he had hoped.
Howley: Ahh just let the men fight.
Randall slams Bowie’s knee against the post, but holds on just a second too long. In the recoil Bowie drives Randall fade first into the post. Bowie rolls under the bottom rope and hops on one foot and drags Randall to his feet. Driving him back first into the apron and rolling him into the ring. Randall rolls to the far side of the ring as Bowie hops on one leg and catches him. Bowie lifts Randall up by the hair but Randall elbows him in his bad knee. As Bowie bends down in pain Randall headbutts Bowie.
Moss: That cleared some space for Randall but both men are in a daze right now.
Howley: How can you tell with Bowie? He always looks like that with his eyes all glossy.
Moss: Hate to admit it but touché.
Both men stumble in the ring for a moment when Randall clears his head first and knocks down Bowie with a short lariat. Bowie hops up quickly to his feet. Randall knocks him down again, and again Bowie kips up to his feet. Randall goes for another but Bowie ducks down and counters into a hip toss. Randall hops to his feet and is sent head over heels with a kitchen sink knee to the gut.
Moss: Looks like Bowie is building up some momentum right now.
Howley: I’ve got faith in Randall to pull out all the stops.
Bowie once again stays on the attack, and attempts to lift Randall up by the hair, but is quickly stopped by the ref. Randall crawls behind Bowie and as the ref is distracted, low blows Bowie. He crumples forward as Randall goes for a quick schoolboy pin.
ONE!
Moss: He blatantly cheated!
Howley: Ref didn’t see it. All is fair!
Before the ref can get to the two count, Bowie had rolled through and there sitting in the middle of the ring is Randall not sure what happened. Bowie explodes towards Randall and delivers a short bulldog. Slamming Randall’s face into the mat.
Moss: How did he?!?
Howley: Where did he?!?
Bowie limps towards the corner and begins to climb to the top rope. His knee is shaky at best, and he leaps off high into the air.
Moss: CONTACT HIGH!!!!!
Bowie lands flush on top of Randall, and rolls off to the side grabbing his knee. He slides on top of Randall’s chest and faintly grabs a leg for the cover.
ONE!
Howley: Come on Randall!
TWO!
Moss: If Randall manages to kickout here, Bowie might not have enough left in the tank!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: The winner of this match Via Pinfall BOOOOWWWWIIIIIEEEE AAAABBBBRRRAAAAMMMSSSS!
Moss: There you have it! A Big win in a terrific match for Bowie Abrams! All the momentum in the world is with the Surf Express Bros! First Bradlee earns a shot at Vito Valentino’s REAL Worlds Championship, but now Bowie is 2-0 in singles competition and looking great coming out of this matchup!
Howley: That’s right Moss, we’ve got the best athletes in all of wrestling, and right now it’s coming up all bros!
Exiting the ring, Bowie is joined by Bradlee who comes to help his bro celebrate.
King Kong Frank vs Holo Make
We’re just moments away from our next contest, and Robbins is standing by in the ring!
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
The eardrum-splitting opening riff to Stranglehold gets the fans in attendance up out of their seats. A moment passes before a loud, gravely voice can be heard in a hundred yards in every direction even over The Nooge’s seminal shred-fest.
“HOOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”
Robbins: Making his way to the ring from the Great Smokey Mountains and weighing in at 295 pounds…KING! KONG! FRRRRRAAAAAAAANK!
King Kong Frank emerges with a 10-foot steel chain wrapped around his neck and a wild look in his eyes! He hoots and hollers and gets everyone whipped into a frenzy before breaking off into the crowd and swinging his chain at anybody not smart enough to be out of his way!
Moss: Frank looking to take some frustrations out on Holo Make after what went down back at In Your Haunted House!
Howley: We saw Lord Colossus take his rightful place as the victor on that night, but I’m not sure I like what Frank has in mind for his opponent tonight!
The Madman from the Smoky Mountains smiles his big ugly smile underneath his big ugly beard and he terrorizes his way toward the ringside area. Fans scatter in his wake as he steps over the ringside guardrail and stalks up the steps and into the ring, this time stepping over the top rope and then parading around the ring, swinging that chain, daring anybody to stop him.
Robbins: And his opponent…
The instrumental version of “Aloha ‘Oe” by Neverland in Ashes starts to play and The Death Rider himself, Holo Make, steps out onto the stage.
Robbins: Making his way to the ring from A Lost Island in the Pacific and weighing in at a whopping 374 pounds, he is the Pale Rider…HOLO! MAAAAAAKE!
He looks out at the crowd, eyes wide as if taking in the people around him. He stalks down to the ring, spooking some of the audience members who get too close. Otherwise, his eyes are focused on the ring with interest.
Moss: And here we have a man looking to really make a statement tonight in Holo Make!
Howley: What better way to do it than to go after King Kong himself, though if Frank’s mood after the chain match is any indication Holo is in for a looooong night!
Once he reaches ringside, Holo Make climbs onto the steps, crawling onto the apron and entering the ring. He looks to the nearest camera and grabs it. He brings it to his face, shouting “I ka mōʻī wahine ʻo Lili’uokalani” into it before shoving it back. Holo begins to pace around the ring, waiting impatiently as the ref calls for the bell to start the match.
DING! DING! DING!
The bell rings and the two immediately trade lefts and rights, both big men looking to gain the upper hand in this hoss fight. Eventually, the larger Pale Rider starts to wear King Kong down, sending him back toward the corner.
He charges at Frank, looking to sandwich him into the turnbuckle…but Frank escapes in the nick of time, using Make’s own momentum against him as the Pale Rider slams into the turnbuckle with a thud!
Moss: Wow, what impact there! Frank managing to avoid Holo’s heaviest offense in the early goings!
Howley: A hard-hitting war like this is just in the early stages!
Frank uses the opening to his advantage with some clubbing blows to the back, forcing Holo to one knee. With that, Frank hits the ropes and connects with a big boot to the head of Holo on the rebound! Down goes Make, and Frank goes for a cover!
ONE!
TW–NO!
Frank kicks out, frustrating the Pale Rider slightly as he goes back on the attack. He targets the arms of King Kong to try and neutralize his strength, but Frank slowly builds back up to a vertical base before sending Holo to the ropes with an Irish whip…and connects with a big shoulder tackle, sending Make to the mat!
Frank senses an opportunity here, looking for the Mountain Top Knee Drop…but Holo rolls out of the way at the last second! Frank falls to the canvas, the impact noticeable on his knees as he struggles a little to get back to his feet.
It’s an opening that Holo notices now, making good use as he hoists King Kong up onto his shoulders before dropping down, his weight colliding against Frank’s in the process! HAWAIIAN DROP!
Moss: This could be a turning point for Holo Make, connecting with that big Hawaiian Drop to bring King Kong down!
Howley: This is your chance Holo, seize it!
Holo gets back to his feet, slowly due to the effects that Hawaiian Drop had on him as much as it did on Frank. He heads to the nearest corner, looking ready to bring this contest to an end as Frank finally begins stirring.
Frank gets back to his feet, slowly but surely as Holo calculates in his head just what he has in mind before charging at King Kong, leaping up for a headbutt! AINA I KA PO…NO! FRANK DODGES IT AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!
Frank’s setting himself up, he’s ready to knock Holo out! SMOKEY MOUNTAIN SPIKE–HOLO DODGES THAT, TOO! Holo’s running to the ropes for speed once again…AINA I KA PONO CONNECTS FLUSH THIS TIME, SENDING FRANK DOWN HARD!
With that, Holo goes for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Robbins: Here is your winner…HOLO MAKE!
The ref raises Holo’s arm in victory as King Kong Frank manages to get back to his feet. The two behemoths stare each other down, as though this contest may have awoken some animosity between them…
The Written Agreement Signing
We come back from a commercial break and are immediately brought to the ring where Joel “Thunderbird” Howley is standing by with a microphone.
There’s a few “Thun-der-bird!” chants happening, to which Joel acknowledges with a bow and a roll of his hand.
Howley: Thank you, folks. Thank you. But if I may have your attention for a moment, I want to introduce two people. Two competitors that are going to be facing each other on the next episode of Classic Wrestling TV… and it’s going to be for the REAL World’s Championship!
“RAAAAAAH!” the audience roars.
Howley: First, I want to introduce the challenger. This young man has had a rocket strapped to his butt as of late with some impressive wins against some stiff competition. Ladies and gentlemen, he is one half of Surf Express BRO… BRADLEEEEEEEEE NELSOOOOOOON!!
The fans all cheer as ‘Nothing But A Good Time’ by Poison begins playing in the studio. Almost immediately, Bradlee’s tag team partner and cohort in all things Classic Wrestling, Bowie Abrams, runs out, followed by the man of the hour himself, Bradlee Nelson.
Each member of The Surf Express Bros slap hands with the fans as they make their way down to the ringside area. Both Bradlee and Bowie enter the ring on opposite sides of the ring, happily meeting in the center with a bro-bump over the head of Howley. Looking a bit annoyed by this, Howley shakes his head and clears his throat into the microphone.
Howley: Well that was kind of uncalled for. Anyway.
Howley stops and looks at Bowie.
Howley: Why are you even out here? This isn’t a match, and it certainly isn’t a tag team affair.
Bowie: Sup Thunderbird, dude! You know I had to accompanify my main bro Bradlee out here for this most prestigimous contract signing!
The fans laugh and cheer on Bowie as Bradlee slaps Howley on his shoulder.
Bradlee: Bro this is really far out, look at all these Bro’s out here in the crowd!
Howley rolls his eyes as the fans laugh.
Howley: Alrighty then. Moving on. Next, we have the REAL World’s Champion himself… Vito Valentino.
That amazing guitar solo opening of the Eagles’ classic “Life in the Fast Lane” hits and the crowd goes absolutely BONKERS!
Vito Valentino appears at the top of the aisle with the Classic Wrestling REAL World’s Championship snapped tightly around his waist. Adorned in a pair of jeans, his trademark sunglasses, a custom made pair of neon Reebok pumps with the Classic Wrestling logo on the side, and a sleeveless Lunchbox Larry t-shirt, Vito pumps up his retro basketball shoes and then motions for everyone out in the audience to “get pumped” themselves!
Heading to the ring, Vito slaps hands with fans in the front row all up and down the aisle. Rolling under the bottom rope, Vito stands up expertly from the roll so as to not lose his sunglasses from his head. Looking at Bowie and Bradlee, Vito extends his fist to both of them. They gladly accept and bump Vito’s fist to the adulation of the crowd.
Howley: Alright, now that-
Vito snatches the microphone from Howley.
Metro: Way to put some emphasis on my name there, paisano. Not sure what I ever did to you, Thunderbird, but I trust from this point forward you’ll be a little more respectful towards me, yes?
Vito hands back the microphone to Howley, to which the audience cheers Vito for putting Thunderbird on blast due to his obvious disdain for the Real World’s Champion.
Howley: Sure, Vito. Whatever you say.
Howley rolls his eyes, which garners some scattered boos from the audience. The man they call Thunderbird goes to speak again, but this time Bradlee takes the microphone away from him, showing some gusto in the process!
Bradlee: Bro, Thunderdude, you gotta put some respect on the dude with that bodacious gold belt. This surfer of the streets is the best wrestler in all of Classic Wrestling and he and I are going to tear the house down in two weeks!
Howley sighs and waves ringside for another microphone, Bradlee and Bowie are clearly high-fiving and chumming it up with Metro. Howley pulls a large folder out from his suit jacket and places it on a table in the center of the ring.
Howley: If you two would have a seat, we can move on with this…
Bradlee excitedly pulls the chair out and lets Bowie sit down while Vito takes his post across from the Bros. Howley looks up at Bradlee, confused.
Bradlee: Mr. Birdbro… I uhh need a chair dude…
Thunderbird Howley’s face could not get any deeper into his own hands, he waves again at ringside as a second chair is brought to the ring and placed on the side our most Bodacious Bros have claimed as their own.
Howley: Bradlee… so you’ve claimed the number one contendership two weeks ago, against three more deserving opponents. How are you going to handle this big match with Vito?
Metro: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Three more deservin’ opponents? C’mon now, Thunderbird. You know as well as these METROpolitans do that Bradlee Nelson is as fine a competitor as anybody else in that fatal fourway. The only difference between Bradlee and the rest? Bradlee actually won. So I think you, and aaaaaannybody else who feels that way, should show Bradlee a little bit more respect! ‘Cause I’ll tell you somethin’, Bird-O. I’m honored to defend this championship against this man!
The fans collectively pop at Vito’s words, meanwhile Howley sits in his chair as still as a stroke victim.
Bradlee: Metrobro, it’s such an honor to even have my name uttered next to yours. A little bro like me, from Pocatello, Idaho living the dream in the big city… this is what it’s all about dude. I couldn’t imagine a better guy to get in the ring wi…
Howley: SO… Vito… don’t you feel offended by Bradlee constantly referring to you as bro or dude instead of having some emphasis on that name of yours?
Bradlee and Bowie look mortified, horrified, disturbed, if there’s another synonym for any of those words the Brosideons of The Brocean have it etched across their faces.
Bradlee: Thunderdude… it’s clearly an affectionate term… I’d never want to disrespect my bro Vito here… I’m just humbled to be in the ring with the two of you about to sign this contract.
Metro: Don’t worry about it, Bradster. Thunderbird here is just mad ‘cause I put him on blast for disrespectin’ my name by announcin’ it like I was Shooter Landell or somethin’. Fact is, I don’t mind bein’ called bro, brother, dude, dudeman, mandude, or whatever other name somebody can come up with. I didn’t scratch and claw my way to the top of the mountain by sweatin’ the small stuff on the way up. ‘Sides, I’ve seen you speak here in Classic for a while now, Bradlee, and I know the word ‘malice’ ain’t even in your vocabulary!
Howley: Neither are a lot of other words, actually.
Bradlee looks up with a huge grin and hugs Thunderbird. Howley scrambles to get away from Bradlee Nelson, kicking his feet and everything.
Bradlee: Thanks BirdBro, I never thought I’d hear you say something that nice about me.
Vito is laughing into his palms over just how quickly Howley rebuked Bradlee’s offer of affection.
Howley: Let’s just get this contract signed already… Jesus…
Thunderbird throws two pens on the table and firmly points to the contract.
Vito picks up a pen and goes to sign the contract… but stops.
Metro: Hey, I’m sorry man. Did you want to go first? I apologize for bein’ a little hasty with my ‘penmanship’.
The crowd laughs at Vito’s play on words. Bradlee looks like Dobby from Harry Potter after Harry asked him if he would like to sit down. Bradlee looks at Bowie for a moment, unsure of himself, before returning the favor to Vito.
Bradlee: Bro… I would never have imagined going first. Clearly, your name is right there, go ahead and take the lead dude. Champions first and all that jazz…
The crowd explodes in cheers as Bradlee caps his pen very matter of factly.
Howley: It’s champi… just sign it, please you guys just sign it.
Vito nods his head and signs the contract and the crowd once again erupts in cheers for their hero. Vito looks up at Bradlee, who has pulled a giant pink ‘Metro Is Number One’ foam finger from somewhere. Bowie tries to stop him, but he places it on the table in front of Vito.
Bradlee: Could you sign this too?
Vito looks flabbergasted by Bradlee’s ask. Chuckling, Vito shrugs.
Metro: Sure! Why not!
Howley goes to say something but Vito stops him in his tracks.
Metro: Don’t. Whatever it is you were goin’ to say, don’t. Bradlee’s allowed to be a METROpolitan just as much as any of these great fans that came out to see us tonight!!
The fans cheer in unison and even begin a ‘Metro! Metro! Metro!’ chant. That Bradlee is chanting along with. Bobbing his head along with the chants, Vito grabs the foam finger and signs his signature right across it. Bradlee’s face lights up like he just got Karate Fighters on Christmas morning.
Metro: Oh, that reminds me! I wanted to give you this, Bradster!
Vito reaches into his pocket and pulls out several perfectly wrapped stacks of MECCA tokens and hands them to the Surf Express Bro. Bowie and Bradlee high five with their stack of MECCA tokens.
Howley: I hate you both. So, so much.
Howley points beside Bradlee’s name, and stares a hole into the bodacious one. Bradlee holds up the pen, and takes the cap off. He throws the cap into the crowd like a wild man, and the ‘Metro! Metro!’ chants slowly morph into a back and forth.
‘METRO!’
‘BROS!’
‘METRO!’
‘BROS!’
Bradlee Nelson scribbles his name on the contract, and makes sure to add bro at the end of it as the crowd explodes. Our scene fades with Thunderbird Howley dejectedly walking away from the table while Metro and The Surf Express Bro celebrate in the ring!
Tag Team Title Match: The Foreign Legion (C) vs The Amazing Amarettos
Moss: It’s time for the Main Event, Thunderbird! Classic Wrestling’s Tag Team titles are on the line! The Amazing Amarettos will surely be pulling all the tricks up their sleeves to try and take the belts as the Foreign Legion look for their first successful defense!
Howley: And we don’t have to say those four letters. We don’t have to watch Bobby Dean pick his nose while Some Man trips over himself. We get to watch a wrestling match!
# Abracadabara #
Moss: With magic!
Howley: Don’t ruin this for me.
KA-BOOM! Twin explosions create two rising plumes of purple smoke, and the Amazing Amarettos, Carlo and Gomez, “magically” appear on the stage. They regale the crowd as they flourish their capes, twirl their wands, and tip their top hats to the audience in perfect coordination with each other. The Classic fans respond with boos.
Robbins: The following match is One Fall, and for the the Classic Tag Team Championships… Introducing first, the challengers… at a combined weight of four hundred and eighty pounds… The Amazing Amarettos!
Their lovely assistant Suzie steps out through the entry-way in a rather normal, non-magical fashion, and her eyes roll back as she holds out her arms in a half-assed show of presentation. The brothers pose with absolute pomp and majesty before all three make their way down to the ring.
Moss: The Amarettos look as ready as ever.
Howley: So does Suzie…
Moss: Uh, what?
Howley: Huh? Nothin’.
The Amarettos perform all manner of magic tricks as they walk down the ramp, conjuring up all manner of cards, quarters, scarves, confetti, pigeons, and flower bouquets seemingly out of thin air.
Robbins: Introducing their opponents… at a combined weight of four hundred and eighty pounds… The Amazing Amarettos!
Carlo and Gomez climb up to the ring from opposite corners and converge at the center of the apron, where they take Suzie by either hand and delicately “levitate” her off the floor, over the ropes, and into the ring before stepping through the ropes themselves. With all three in the ring, they again pose majestically for the audience.
“New World Symphony, 4th Movement” by Antonin Dvorak begins to play. Through the curtain comes the imposing duo of Mushigihara and Leon Van Zandt.
Moss: And here come the champs!
Robbins: Making their way to the ring, accompanied by Eddie Dante… weighing in at a combined 532 pounds… your Classic Wrestling Tag Team Champions… THE FOREIGN LEGION!
Howley: These two… nay THREE, fine gentlemen making their way to the ring, have restored respect and dignity to the tag team division!
Eddie Dante steps out from the curtain behind his talent, sporting a sinister smile across his face as he soaks in the boos from the crowd. In true Foreign Legion fashion, Mushigihara and Leon break into a sprint down the ramp, sliding into the ring and begin taunting the crowd to an increased level of booing.
Moss: They sure do look ready, Thunderbird!
Filipe Chicoda checks in with both teams, collects the belts from the champions, hands them off outside the ring, and calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Leon Van Zandt agrees to take the lead for his team, as does Gomez for his. The two eye each other, as their respective partners take to the apron. It only takes a couple of circles around the ring before they both lunge forward and hook up into a grapple.
Moss: Looks like Leon and Gomez are kicking off the action!
The two competitors lock up and jockey for leverage. LVZ quickly snaps Gomez into a side headlock.
Moss: Leon pulls a quick one on Gomez, but the Amaretto pushes Van Zandt off into the ropes! Leon bounces back, looking for a clothesline, but Gomez ducks just in time!
Howley: Are we sure that wasn’t a trick? I swear it looked like Leon ran straight through Gomez!
LVZ bounces off the opposing ropes and leaps back.
Howley: OH MY, he didn’t miss that time, Moss-man!
Moss: He sure didn’t! Leon Van Zandt just sent Gomez Amaretto to the mat and then some with that shoulder block!
LVZ waves off the boos from the crowd and grabs Gomez by the slicked, black hair on his head, lifting him up to his feet.
Moss: OH MY! An elbow to the back of the head sends Gomez Amaretto back down, face first, onto the mat!
LVZ grabs a handful of black hair with his left hand and pulls Gomez back up…
Moss: ANOTHER ELBOW TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!
Howley: THIS. IS. WRESTLING!
LVZ lifts Gomez back to his feet, once again, by the hair on his head. He immediately grabs onto Gomez’s hands and whips the challenger into Foreign Legion’s corner.
Moss: Van Zandt quickly runs after Gomez, who just landed in the Legion’s corner, looking for a corner body splash!
Howley: OH MY! Gomez just pulled his elbow up like it was a rabbit out of a top hat! I don’t like that!
Moss: Yeah that elbow to the face of Leon Van Zandt might’ve just turned the tides of this match!
Just as Gomez Amaretto starts to jump out of his opponent’s corner turnbuckle, Mushigihara grabs him!
Moss: Mushigihara with quite the surprise, grabbing Gomez before he could capitalize on his successful counter!
Leon Van Zandt sees his partner holding their opponent and lines up the dropkick. He leaps impressively high into the air.
Moss: Oh no Amaretto drops down! LVZ hit Mushigahara, sending him to the floor!
Howley: Don’t look now but Eddie Dante is LIVID once again!
Outside the ring the fiery manager is swinging his cane at anything within range. Stairs, turnbuckles, and the mat all fall victim to this.
Back inside the ring, Gomez is able to tag Carlo in. Suzi outside is unimpressed. Smoking a cigarette.
Moss: Can she do that in here?
Howley: Are you going to stop her?
Moss: No!
As Leon Van Zandt gets back up to his feet, both of the Amarettos are in the ring. They run off the ropes in opposite directions, then continue to run past one another over and over as they bounce. Van Zandt is finally all the way up and when both of the Amarettos stop in front of him. Suddenly the identical twins are even more identical.
Howley: Moss, is it just me or did one of these guys just grow a mustache while running the ropes!?
Moss: Your eyes do not deceive you Thunderbird. Both men now sport the same curly mustache!
Howley: I think Van Zandt is seeing double!
Both men kick Van Zandt at the same time and then together they execute a double rocker dropper. Amarettos go to opposing turnbuckles.
Howley: What’s this going to be Moss!?
Moss: I don’t know but I’m sure it’s bound to amaze!
Both men climb to the top rope. They signal to one another, but before they can jump, Mushi is back on the apron and grabs Carlo’s (We think) ankle. On the other side of the ring Eddie Dante is up on the apron as well about to get at Gomez (allegedly). Carlo (Supposedly) cannot break free of Mushigahara’s huge grasp. Meanwhile Gomez (maybe) is batting off Eddie Dante’s cane while trying to maintain his balance.
Moss: This is breaking down! Eddie Dante can’t get involved like this! What is happening!?
Howley: The referee has his eyes on Mushigahara!
Moss: Wait… What’s….What’s Suzie dooing!?
Suzie is on the apron behind Eddie Dante. She puffs her cigarette then nonchalantly kicks Eddie Dante in the gonads from behind. He immediately falls to the floor clutching his manhood. She tosses the lit cig butt at him before getting off the apron.
On the other side of the ring. Carlo (Probably) figures he’ll take one for the team.
Howley: CRASH AND BURN!
Moss: Carlo….or Gomez… just fell onto Mushigahara!
Both men crash off the ring apron and to the concrete floor below hard! The fans in the arena all stand up with their hands on their head expecting the worst. Both men quickly show signs of life and a collective breath is let out of the studio.
The other Amaretto still on the turnbuckle dives at LVZ in the middle of the ring and nails it.
Moss: THE AMAZING ATOM SMASHER! Car…Go….He’s got the cover!
The referee slides into position. He checks the shoulders, he reaches up and tugs on the mustache of the Amaretto. It comes off with his tug.
Moss: It’s CARLO!
Howley: He’s the legal man!
ONE
TWO
THREE!
Moss: THEY DID IT!
The bell rings and our guy let’s everyone know what’s what!
Robbins: YOUR WINNERS AND NEWWWWWWWWWW CLASSIC WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!…. THE AMAZING AMARETTOS!
Gomez rolls back in the ring, obviously a little worse for wear for his fall. He is handed the championship by the official and his eyes light up. His brother, still on his knees, also accepts his new achievement. They embrace in the ring in a hug before turning and bowing to the crowd in a showman fashion. Suzie stands outside the ring and puts them on display. She even cracks a small smile when she does.
Moss: Folks we’re out of time! The Amazing Amarettos pull of the AMAZING and become the brand new Tag Team Champions!
Howley: If there’s one thing that’s hard to do in Classic Wrestling, It’s DEFEND a championship, we’ve seen a lot of title changes recently and that just speaks to the level of competition in Classic Wrestling!
Moss: How will our REAL Worlds Champion, Vito Valentino fare when his Championship is on the line? Catch us next time on RBTV to find out as he takes on Bradlee Nelson for the Title! For Thunderbird Howley, I’m Patrick Moss, and this is Classic Wrestling on RBTV! Good Night!