WELCOME TO CLASSIC WRESTLING: (EP 2)
The show opens to a slightly slow music video highlighting the best action from Classic Wrestling Episode 1. We see Vito Valentino, and the likes of Harry Chest. After that we get a glimpse The Bus himself, Double Decker going up against The Spanish Sensation Carlos Ruiz. Alex Bruder getting the win over Jack Fargo, and of course Lord Colossus attacking Shujin Yama. Finally we see Yama land flat on Rich Hunt before the wild King Kong Frank comes running for the ring swinging his chain. Finally we land on a Classic Wrestling logo as the song comes to an end.
We get a shot of the ring and the fans sitting behind it. A few still hurriedly making their way to their seat.
Patrick Moss: Hello everyone, and welcome to Classic Wrestling! We’ve got all the best wrestlers on the planet right here in Classic Studios. We’ve got a great show lined up for you tonight! I’m Patrick Moss, and with me of course, my broadcast partner, Joel “Thunderbird” Howley!
Joel “Thunderbird” Howley: That’s right Moss, what a debut episode of Classic Wrestling last week, we saw wrestlers move on in the tournament for the REAL WORLDS TITLE, we saw some wrestlers stick their nose in others business, and we even saw a human bus! You’re so excited you forgot to introduce our third member!
We hear the voice of the on stage interviewer, Otto Price!
Otto Price: I’m Otto Price, and I’ll be here trying to get LIVE reactions from some of our biggest stars tonight! Thank you folks for tuning in to what is going to be another night of Classic Wrestling! Later on tonight I’m going to bring you a preview of Round 2 in the Real World’s Title Tournament!
Moss: On slate for tonight, a first round matchup in the Real Worlds Title Tournament, Randall Schwartz vs Rikki Roxx!
A graphic shows up on the screen with a headshot for each. It changes as Otto speaks.
Price: A fine matchup indeed, we’re also going to see, for the first time ever… Rush Starling vs one mister Freddy Chedda!
The graphic turns over once again.
Howley: Okay OKAY guys, let’s talk about the matchup that has EVERYBODY talking this week on the HOTLINE! Let’s talk about the tough as leather cowboy! Gordy Lovett vs the enormous, the monstrous, Lord Colossus! We saw these two already lock horns, Price!
The final display shows the main event before it displays the entire graphic for the Tournament including those who’ve been eliminated and moved on.
Price: Please my friend, call me Otto! Joel, we’re also going to see a fourth first round tournament matchup…It’s “Feral” Freddy Kilgore vs A man who’s tested the limits of time! Dash Dackson!
Moss: That’s not all! In singles action were going to see the debuts of both Tony Capone and Scott Hunter! However, before we get to all that, we’ve got the very first Tag Team contest set to start right now! Let’s take you to the ring!
The Amazing Amarettos vs Jackson Miller & “Fender Bender” Jones
We cut back to the ring and in one corner stands a mismatched tag team. One wears a pair of pants with tire marks all over them. The other in a plain red singlet with curly blonde hair.
Twin explosions create twin rising plumes of purple smoke, and the Amazing Amarettos, Carlo and Gomez, “magically” appear through the curtain. They regale the crowd as they flourish their capes, twirl their wands, and tip their top hats to the audience in perfectly coordination with each other. Their lovely assistant Suzie steps out through the entry-way in a rather normal, non-magical fashion, and her eyes roll back as she holds out her arms in a half-assed show of presentation. The brothers pose with absolute pomp and majesty before all three make their way down to the ring.
Harold Robbins: The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall and has a 15 minute time limit. Coming to the ring at this time, They hail from Las Vegas, Nevada! At a total combined weight of 480 pounds!
The Amarettos perform all manner of magic tricks as they walk down the ramp, conjuring up all manner of cards, quarters, scarves, confetti, pigeons, and flower bouquets seemingly out of thin air. Carlo and Gomez climb up to the ring from opposite corners and converge at the center of the apron, where they take Suzie by either hand and delicately “levitate” her off the floor, over the ropes, and into the ring before stepping through the ropes themselves. With all three in the ring, they again pose majestically for the audience.
Robbins: The Amazing Amerettos!
The crowd gives a mixed reaction but the boos seems to outweigh the cheers.
Robbins:… And their opponents… Jackson Miller and “Fender Bender Jones!”
The other team poses and gets no reaction whatsoever. They aren’t sure why.
The bell rings as Jackson Miller stays in the ring. Carlo runs right at him and clobbers him with a running ax handle smash across the top of the head.
Howley: So what’s the deal with the magicians?
Moss: Recently they gave up a show in Las Vegas to instead perform in front of the great fans of Classic Wrestling!
Howley: They were fired weren’t they?
Carlo pulls his opponent back to the middle of the ring, before slapping on a side headlock. He reaches behind the ear of Miller and pulls out a silver dollar and holds high into the air for everyone to see!
Moss: Woah, I guess Jackson Miller hasn’t been using his cotton swabs!
Howley: You’ve got to be kidding me…
Amaretto whips his opponent off the rope and when he returns he drills a huge dropkick that lands flush. He stands up and motions to the crowd, expecting them to be impressed. He quickly tags in his twin brother who comes in excitedly.
Howley: How do we tell them apart? These guys look exactly the same.
Moss: You keep track, Carlo I believe is a half inch taller and 3 pounds heavier.
Gomez in the ring takes Jackson Miller and sends him back to a turnbuckle. Gomez runs and lands on the knees of his opponent who shakes his head no!
Moss: Big monkey flip there! Miller lands hard in the ring! Gomez now, wait how did he get the silver dollar!?
He holds it high before palming the large coin. He waves his other hand over the coin a few times and suddenly it disappears. Gomez looks surprised then points to Jackson Miller suspiciously.
He drops a fist across the head of Jackson and then lifts him to his feet. He reaches up and pulls at the curly blonde hair of Jackson Miller and the hair comes off!
Howley: Oh no… he’s not going to…
He is! The hairpiece comes off on the third pull and suddenly the Silver Dollar is stuck to the top of the actually bald head of Mr. Miller.
The fans in the arena chuckle. That’s quickly ended when Gomez picks up Miller and suddenly starts slamming lefts and rights into him. He starts at the head, then moves to the body, and finally back to the head again. He puts and arm wrench on Jackson Miller. Carlo climbs onto the top rope after being tagged in by his brother.
Moss: Uh Oh! Watch the Amazing Amerettos here!
Gomez pulls a loose deck of cards from his pocket and tosses it right up in the air.
Howley: 52 Pickup!
Carlo comes off the top rope with an open hand slap to the back of the opponents head. As he lands he holds up a card he grabbed on the way down. He makes a cover and shows the card. It’s the Ace of Diamonds!
“Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band plays as the Amerettos celebrate with a bow to the fans.
Robbins: The winners of this contest… the team of Carlo and Gomez… The AMAZING AMERETTOS!
Moss: Quite the debut from this spectacular tag team!
Howley: That’s not the word I’d use Moss!
Jack Fargo and the Boys & Girls Club Want a Rematch
Moss: Jack Fargo is standing by with our own Otto Price, and a few fans from the special Olympics and the local boys and girls club!
Howley: Whoa mama!! A tough break for the olympian last week but he seems in good spirits here tonight. We talked a bit backstage before the show and he’s definitely ready to get his feet wet in this new world of Classic Wrestling.
On the side stage just off the entrance ramp with a massive “Classic Wrestling on RB-TV” banner hangs proudly as a backdrop A bleacher of fans next to the staging cheers on the great Otto Price as the camera lights go hot. Otto stands tall holding a microphone in the face of Jack Fargo who has about 8 special needs, and little urban achievers filling the space behind Fargo. Fargo is already sweating in an armpit stained baby blue polo shirt and salmon colored cargo pants.
Price: Last week we saw you make your professional wrestling debut in a somewhat questionable loss to Alex Bruder. How’s that sitting with you now that you’ve had some time to marinate on it?
Fargo: ummmm well soooooo uh thank you for having me out here tonight. I ummm I think ahhh well it wasn’t good….you know.
Fargo laughs nervously as one of the kids starts making faces into the camera.
Price: I see you brought some company out here with you tonight?
Fargo: HA HA HA YES! In partnership with Wheaties and Classic Wrestling on RBTV we are working closely here in the ahhhh ummmm the community, you know. To ahhh help give our special needs athletes better equipment as well as the local boys and girls club! We are donating $5000 dollars to each group! You know?
Price: Five grand to both the Boys and Girls club, and the special olympics? Outstanding!! Now everybody wants to know moving forward in Classic Wrestling do you have any goals?
Fargo: Tony….I was talking to Tony
Price: Excuse me?
Fargo: oh ummm he’s ahhh this kid over here.
A young fellow waves to the camera with a toothless smile.
Fargo: Tony has had many obstacles in his life. We all do. These great fans.
Jack Fargo claps towards the audience as the crowd goes mild.
Fargo: My father when he got into the pet insurance space. Astronauts when they go out into umm you know space. Plumbers when they come ummm upon ahh ummm a messy situation…you know. Presidents when they need to face challenges with health care and ummm other things….you know. Me taking Bronze in the Olympics instead of gold. Teachers when they don’t have funds needed to you know teach.
Price: Ok? So what you’re saying is we all have obstacles.
Fargo: Exactly, and last week for me was no different. I want to be an example for ummm you know kids like Tony over here that sometimes life ain’t fair, the world is mean. So the referee Chip made a mistake. I talked to Chip and he apologized. I’m sure Alex Bruder is not happy with the results either, after making an error illegally using my tights to ummm you know secure leverage. I’m not going to cry over spilled lemonade because when life gives you a cow you can make ummm chocolate milk. So I’m issuing a challenge to Alex Bruder for a rematch based on fair principles once his business in the big tournament concludes. Because that’s what stand up men do. Just like this umm you know this kid Tony. We stand tall and face our obstacles. Now who’s ready for some popsicles and ice cream?!
The kids cheer loudly which is the best response of the whole segment.
Price: There you have it! Looks like Jack Fargo is asking for a rematch with “All Business” Alex Bruder! We’ll see how this plays out, and if justice will be had. Back to my esteemed colleagues.
World Title Tournament Match: Lord Colossus vs Gordy Lovett
Ripping bass riffs and a brief burst of snare lets the crowd know that “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead is playing. Walter Wehzl pops out from behind the curtain first, to a cavalcade of derision.
Moss: Here comes trouble!
Robbins: This is a first round matchup for the Real World’s Heavyweight Tournament! Coming to the ring first. He’s 7 feet tall, 350 pounds! He’s accompanied by Walt Wehzl, this is LORD COLOSSUS!
This hushes noticeably as Lemmy begins to intone about snake eyes watching you and Lord Colossus steps out. Wehzl points at the big man who is wearing a studded leather vest and armbands over his one-shoulder black wrestling singlet. Blonde curls poke out from under his leather hood under a 1970s style hockey mask. A Black Gorget wraps his throat. He slowly makes his way down to the ring, before handing off his vest and armbands to Wehzl, stepping _over_ the top rope and moving to his appointed corner.
Howley: Not someone you want to upset!
“Country Boy Can Survive” by Hank Williams Jr plays in the arena and everyone looks to the curtain. Instead from behind the crowd comes Gordy Lovett swinging a rope with a cowbell over his head. As it clangs against a few items, the fans realize the danger and scatter down the stairs.
Moss: Woah watch it!
With dip running down his chin the wild Texan eyes up his opponent before being joined by his representation.
Robbins: …And his opponent, He’s 6 feet 4 inches, weighing in at 241 pounds, hailing from Cut and Shoot, Texas! Accompanied by Doris Hilton! This is GORDY LOVETT!
Gordy bounds down the stairs and slides in the ring. He whips off his leather vest and spits his chew in the direction of Lord Colossus who just watches it fall at his feet.
The two Classic Grapplers finally come face to face in the center of the ring with no distractions and the referee calls for the bell!
Howley: Look at ‘em, Moss, they’re like two caged dogs just waiting to be unleashed!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
As soon as the bell tolls, Gordy reaches all the way back home to Cut and Shoot and hauls off and delivers the mother of all forearm shots to the chest of Lord Colossus. The giant cocks his head inquisitively. From ringside Walt Whezl shouts a few words at his charge.
Whezl: What are you waiting for? DESTROY HIM!
The switch flips somewhere deep behind his mask and the lights come on in the eyes of Lord Colossus as he erupts into action, kicking Gordy square in the gut and following up with a hard right hand. The referee looks like he wants to shout a warning to LC about that closed fist but in the end thinks better of it.
Moss: Come on, referee! You gotta make those calls!
Howley: Ha! That skinny twerp had better close his mouth and open his ears and wait for instruction from Walt Whezl if he knows what’s good for him!
Moss: You can’t be serious?
It’s Doris Hilton’s turn at ringside to shout encouragement to the stunned Gordy Lovett.
Doris: Get up, boy! Show ‘em why ya don’t mess with Texas!
Like the Yellow Rose of Texas Gordy stands up tall and once again goes face to face with the bigger, taller, giant of a dystopian nightmare in front of him.
Howley: Look Moss, he’s gonna reach up and kiss Lord Colossus on the chin!
Moss: Will you stop?! You’re getting ridiculous!
Howley: Ridiculous is my middle name, Moss, now keep it outta yer mouth and call the action!
Lovett hauls off and smacks Colossus right in his masked face.
The big man almost staggers backward for less than a split second. Rather than register the blow he sends a ballistic missile right back that jiggles Gordy’s jaw and ruffles his mustache!
Moss: These fans here in the Classic Wrestling Studio are solidly behind Gordy Lovett even though that manager of his is pacing back and forth with a scowl on her face a mile wide!
Howley: That’s because she knows that rodeo clown redneck doesn’t stand a chance against a walking world-breaker like Lord Colossus!
So does Colossus!
Having had enough, Lord Colossus lunges in with a rising knee to the breadbasket that quickly doubles the Texan over. LC follows it up with an elbow smash to the back of the neck that sends Gordy down flat on the mat. The fans in the Classic Studio are all over Lord Colossus as Whezl cackles along maniacally at ringside.
Whezl: FINISH HIIIIIIIM!
With absolutely zero acknowledgement to Whezl the Colossus reaches down and picks the Texas Stampede up by the ears and immediately stuffs Lovett’s head between his massive thighs in a standing leg-scissors. Slowly he raises one gauntleted arm to signal what could only be the mighty Volt Thrower!
Howley: This guy sure don’t work by the hour, Moss!
Doris Hilton screeches from the floor at Gordy Lovett and once again he comes alive pulls himself out of LC’s grasp just long enough to drop into a three-point stance and explode into the big man like a Center blocking for the game-winning two point conversion! He barrels Colossus all the way back into the corner where he then commences to peppering the masked monstrosity with all manner of haymakers!
Moss: LOOK AT GORDY GO!
Howley: He’s cheatin’ Moss! Look at all those closed fists!
Gordy pulls the big man out of the corner and shoots him off to the opposite ropes, Colossus comes back with a shoulder-block that shakes the ring!
Lovett backs into the ropes and launches off right back! Colossus swings and misses with a big clothesline as Gordy ducks under and launches himself against the opposite ropes only to find himself tripped from behind by an opportunistic Walt Whezl and stumbling right into the grasp of the masked behemoth in the center of the ring.
Moss: This doesn’t look good for the good ol’ boy from Texas!
Howley: You can say that again!
Lord Colossus thrusts Gordy’s head downward again, this time giving him no quarter and no room to wriggle his way out of the apocalyptic clutches of the annihilator extraordinaire! He grabs Gordy around the waist and muscles him up, holds them there for just long enough to let Gordy think about it before driving him into the mat with the powerbomb to end all power bombs!
Moss: VOLT THROWER! VOLT THROWER!
Howley: Stick a fork in him, Moss, he’s DONE!
Colossus drops down mechanically and covers Gordy without hooking a leg. The referee slides into position and slaps the mat like a man possessed.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Harold Robbins: YOOOOOOOUR WINNER… LOOOOOOOORD COLOSSUUUUUUUUS!!!
Walt Whezl slides under the bottom rope and is right there to raise the arm of his mountainous marauder as well as shout down a verbal barrage at the fallen Gordy Lovett. Appalled and more than a little pissed off, Doris Hilton is up the ringsteps and under the middle rope in a flash, sticking a manicured finger directly into Walt Whezl’s face.
Doris: Back off, junior!
Whezl: Or what?!
Doris: Or I’ll-
The human catastrophe steps one giant, looming step in front of Walt. He cocks his head again, an inquisitive gaze burning in his eyes. Doris takes a step backward as Walt begins cackling again.
Moss: GORDY’S UP!
He is, and the first order of business is to grab Walt Whezl by the nape of the neck and the back of his pants and send him flying like DJ Jazzy Jeff out of the ring, complete with accompanying high pitched scream for his life. Satisfied, Gordy turns around to get him some more of Lord Colossus but only finds himself a boot to the gut for his troubles.
Howley: Here we go again, Moss!
Moss: VOOOOOOOLT THROOOOOOOWER!
Gordy crashes to the mat again, this time even harder than before!
Strangely, a roar of approval comes from the crowd.
Howley: Ha! These fans have already turned on Lovett! I love it! Get it, Moss?
Or, actually maybe not.
King. Kong. Frank!
Moss: IT’S FRANK! KING KONG FRANK IS IN THE RING AND HE’S GOT THE CHAIN!
With a redneck roar Frank starts unloading on the masked monstrosity with chain-wrapped right hands that sends him rocking back into the ropes. In a rare moment of lucidity Frank has an idea, and charges at Lord Colossus! He connects with a chain-assisted clothesline right across the massive chest of Colossus that sends him ass over teakettle, up and over the top rope to the floor.
Howley: HE LANDED ON HIS FEET!
Moss: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!
Frank bellows down at Colossus, who happens to have landed right beside his rag-dolled overseer. Sensing danger, Walt is up to his feet faster than ought to be possible and he’s doing everything in his power to keep the angry monolith from returning to the ring. After more than a little bit of cajoling Lord Colossus finally backs away, leaving King Kong Frank stomping around inside the ring and swinging his chain like a wild man.
Howley: He can’t do that to Lord Colossus, Moss!
Moss: You wanna go tell Frank he can’t do that?
Howley: Well… I mean… that is to say-
Before Thunderbird Howley can make any more excuses Frank reaches a long arm down and grabs the microphone right out of the hands of Otto Price. He hoots and he hollers and finally he comes to a stop and assaults the eardrums of every single person inside the Classic Studio.
KKF: Now you LIS’SN HERE YOU COLOSSAL PIECE OF CRAP! You ain’t seen the last of ol’ KING KONG FRANK! Not by a LONG SIGHT! I’mma take that big ugly melon of yers off yer stinkin’ shoulders and mount it on my wall AND THERE AIN’T A GYAT DANG THANG YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
The Smoky Mountain Savage resumes his stomping around the ring before bailing through the ropes and landing haphazardly on the floor, almost squashing Otto Price as he jabs the microphone back into his chest and makes his way not back to the dressing rooms, but through the assembled studio office and out a door with an exit sign glowing above it.
Inside the ring Doris Hilton has just about got Gordy Lovett back to his feet and he looks around in confusion, completely unaware of everything that’s happened after that second powerbomb.
Cut back to the commentation station where Joel Howley and Patrick Moss sit there stunned, neither man quite sure how to put into words that accurately describe the hurricane of chaos that is King Kong Frank. A moment passes before Moss shakes himself back into professionalism.
Moss: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re gonna hear a word from our sponsors. We’ll be back with more Classic wrestling action on the other side of this break!
The Stars At Night!
Back from break we’re backstage catching up with a very disappointed looking Doris Hilton and an absolutely dazed and confused Texas Stampede, Gordy Lovett. Doris folds her arms and purses her lips the way women do when they’re about to hurt your feelings. Gordy doesn’t notice any of this fairly obvious body language thanks to the two extra extra large powerbombs from the living breathing act of brutality known as Lord Colossus. The unfocused look in Gordy’s eyes just screams concussion…
Gordy Lovett: Anybody get the got-damn license plate of that city bus? Sheeeeeeit… mah head feels like it’s full of wild cats, man.
His manager scowls and narrows her eyes.
Doris Hilton: Oh you’ve got JOKES now, do ya’? Do you know just how much I have invested in you, you fat headed idiot? And what do you do… you LOSE.
The Stampede looks around bewildered.
Lovett: Doris, you hear that ringin’ sou…
The Georgia peach rears back and full on slaps her charge across the face so hard as to leave a red handprint across the side of Gordy’s face. Gordy looks like a sad old hound that just got smacked by his owner. He just sits there holding his cheek as Doris fumes.
Hilton: You listen to me, you back country moron… it took you nearly twenty damn years to find even the dimmest limelight and that’s due nearly completely to ME. The next booking I get you here in Classic, Gordy…
She leans in with the menace only a woman of her age and station can command.
Hilton: … you better start producin’ for me. Because there’s a long LONG line of people I could replace you with at the drop of a HAT. It’ll be back to veterans halls, bingo parlors and those loooong plane rides to Tokyo for you before you can stuff another disgusting brown wad of that junk between your teeth and gum.
She emphasises her point with a finger in his chest.
Hilton: Do you read me… cowboy?
The Stampede breathes a heavy sigh and holds his aching head and neck.
Lovett: Yes ma’am.
We cut back to commentary as Hilton continues scowling down at her client.
World Title Tournament Match: Randall Schwartz vs Rikki Roxx
“March and Fanfare” by the Bobs plays throughout the arena as the Classic faithful turn their attention to the stage where out walks “The Entertainer” Randall Schwartz. There’s a smirk on Schwartz’s face as he accepts the shower of boos that are directed at him. He strokes his chin, adjusts his sleeveless shirt, and confidently struts toward the ring.
Howley: What in the blue blazes is this?
Moss: This is Randall Schwartz, Thunderbird.
Howley: If I hadn’t recently visited my optician – I’d probably be looking at a 5 foot, 10 inch blur that reminded me of a loser…with impeccable chops.
Moss: I’m curious to know what you think about his opponent, Rikki Roxx…
Howley: I don’t know much about Rikki Roxx.
Moss: He’s the lead singer of Black Addler.
Howley: Is he a wrestler?
Moss: He is, now, and he’s Randall Schwartz’s opponent.
Howley: What kind of wrestling promotion is this, Moss? We’re surrounded by a bunch of wannabe’s and comic book characters.
“I Wanna Rock” by Twisted Sister hits the speakers just as Randall Schwartz enters the ring. The Entertainer awaits as The Thrashman, Rikki Roxx leaps from behind the curtain and onto the stage! The fans are going nuts as His Royal Majesty of Metal begins banging his head back and forth and waving his arms in the air. The fans are excited to see the debut of The Architect of Air Guitar, live and in person!
Howley: Oh Good Hamburglar – you…have got…to be kidding me. This is a wrestler?
Moss: Give the man a lot of credit, Thunderbird, he’s gone through a lot and has come out on top. Wrestling has changed his life and he’s looking to pave a path here in Classic Wrestling.
Howley: I wrestled a guy like this, once. Let’s just say he didn’t wrestle me twice.
Moss: I’m assuming you beat him up pretty good?
Rikki Roxx is at the edge of the stage wailing on an imaginary guitar as the fans yell out “ROCK!” to follow along with Dee Snyder’s vocals.
Howley: Here’s the thing that most people don’t understand, Moss. This isn’t for everyone. I get that Randy Shorts is an entertainer and this Rock guy wants to redeem his career. I understand. I’m a rather reasonable guy. Rationale only goes so far when you’re face-to-face with a person who eats, sleeps, and breathes this profession; who is this profession. If you so dare think that “if he can do it – I can do it” then you better damn well understand that the next morning you’re going to cough up skin cells that belong to my elbow. I don’t play well with pretenders, Moss. But, what I do…is turn pretenders into believers.
The Roxxstar Extraordinaire jogs down the ramp with a smile from ear to ear.
Moss: Well, you’ve definitely turned me into a believer that you’re one heck of a color commentator.
Howley: What are you tryin’ to say, Moss? That THIS is all I am? A voice? A talking head? That I can’t still get in that squared circle and tussle with the best of them? That I can’t lock up with these second rate rope lickers? Are you sayin’ that…that…I’m a has-been?
Moss: No, Thunderbird. I’m sayin’ you’re MY has-been.
Howley: I quit. I’m not calling this match with you.
Roxx slides underneath the ropes and into the ring. The Mount Rushmore of Encore slides into the center of the ring and continues to strum against an air guitar. Schwartz leans against the turnbuckle and yawns as he watches Roxx passionately play along with his Twisted Sister entrance. Roxx jumps up to his feet, hurries to the turnbuckle, scales it, and sings along as the crowd shouts “I WANNA ROCK! …ROCK!” The music begins to fade. Roxx climbs down. Ring announcer Harold Robbins is front and center alongside the referee.
Harold Robbins: The following contest is for one fall with a thirty minute time limit for the first round of THE REAL World’s Championship. In this corner…weighing in at 176 pounds…from Hollywood, California. He is THE ENTERTAINER…RANDALL…SCHWARTZ!
The crowd continues to boo. Schwartz smirks. He leans on the turnbuckle as he awaits the start of the match. His cockiness is at an all time high.
Harold Robbins: And his opponent, weighting in at 239 pounds. He is from DETROIT, ROCK CITY! He is…THE THRASHMAN…THE PARIAH OF POWER SLIDES…HIS ROYAL MAJESTY OF METAL…THE LEAD SINGER OF BLACK ADDLER…SNAKEBITTEN…RIKKI…ROXX!
Roxx once again goes for the air guitar. His eyes are closed. His lips are clenched. He’s wailing extremely hard against this imaginary instrument. Suddenly he’s kicked in the bread basket via boot from Schwartz! Robbins and the referee take a few steps back as the official calls for the bell and Schwartz delivers another stiff boot to Roxx’s mid-section that sends the rockstar back-first into the turnbuckle. The referee calls for the bell!
Moss: Schwartz wasn’t waiting any longer for Roxx’s display of pomp and he’s got the Patriarch of Party Rock against the turnbuckle.
The fans boo as Schwarts grabs a handful of Roxx’s blonde hair and begins to punch him in the face. One! Two! Three! Four! Finally the referee steps in and pleads with Randall to release the hair. Schwartz lays in once again with a slew of jabs. One! Two! Three! Four! The referee finally pries himself between the superstars until Schwartz releases and throws his hands in the air. The Entertainer looks displeased and takes a couple steps back. Roxx shakes his head and pats his forehead as he slowly removes himself from the turnbuckle. Schwartz goes for another kick to Roxx’s gut but Rikki grabs Randall’s leg underneath his arm and pushes The Entertainer into the center of the ring. Roxx then sweeps Schwartz’s free leg and tackles Randall to the mat! Roxx mounts Schwartz and begins to unleashe a litany of lefts and rights! One! Two! Three…and the fury of punches continue as the Entertainer absorbs the beat down.
Cut to the commentary table.
Moss: My goodness, Thunderbird, Rikki Roxx is off to the offensive here! Or, is this more defensive?
Howley’s back is turned to the camera as he stares off into the distance, away from the action, and ignoring his counterpart.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Roxx has turned his mounted punches into a forearm grinding into Schwartz’s forehead. Rikki briefly pauses. He raises his arm in the air and does a single head bang that transitions into a falling headbutt into his opponent’s face! Schwartz sells the move by kicking Roxx off him and rolling toward the ropes. The Entertainer finds solace in the lower rope; he’s nursing the bridge of his nose. Schwartz is slow to get up as he dramatically spits outside the ring. He is asking the referee to replay a possible illegal headbutt. Roxx hurries toward him but Schwartz takes a step outside the ropes so that Roxx can’t touch him.
Moss: He’s just toying with Roxx right now.
Roxx tries again, but this time Schwartz hunches over and drives his shoulder into Roxx’s mid-section. The rockstar steps back into the center of the ring and nurses his gut. Schwartz punches him in the forehead! Roxx has enough in the tank to stand tall and return a punch to Schwartz’s face! They lock up! They begin to punch each other in the face several times! One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! The crowd is going wild as the two superstars pound each others’ visage into dust! They let go of each other…both men take a few steps back. They stare at each other for a second. Then…they both fall face first onto the canvas! The referee starts to count…
Roxx is rolling onto his knees.
Roxx is up! He lunges toward the fallen Schwartz and turns him over. He goes for a pin.
Schwartz kicks out and Roxx instantly transitions the pin. He flips Schwartz over and applies a half crab! The referee communicates with Schwartz, but the Entertainer isn’t giving up.
Moss: I don’t know, Thunderbird, but it looks to me as if Roxx might be the better wrestler here…
Eventually Schwartz is able to fight his way out of the hold and musters enough strength to claw to the ropes. Roxx releases and stampers to the center of the ring. The referee is near Schwartz and directs him to release the ropes and get back in the match. Roxx walks toward the Entertainer. Schwartz reaches for the referee and grabs a chunk of zebra stripes!
Moss: You can’t grab an official like that!
The referee is trying to push Schwartz off him and succeeds! The official bounces off Roxx and spins around which creates a blind spot and gives Schwartz enough time to deliver a crucial low blow! Roxx falls to his knees and holds his crotch!
Moss: NO! NO!
Howley spins around.
Howley: Now THAT’S “snakebitten”…
The referee spins to see Roxx on the mat and Schwartz getting ready to pick him up. The crowd is booing profusely as Schwartz has Roxx up and finishes Rikki off with THE SCHWARTZ SPECIAL!
Moss: THIS IS IT!
He goes for the pin.
Randall Schwartz pushes himself off Rikki Roxx and slaps his hands as if it was nothing. He quickly rolls out of the ring as “March and Fanfare” plays once again. Roxx rolls over and grabs the referee. He’s pleading with the referee that this wasn’t the end of the match…
Harold Robbins: The winner of the match by pinfall…THE ENTERTAAAAIIIIIINER…RANDALL…SCHWARTZ!
Roxx slams his hands against the canvas and watches as Schwartz walks around the ring with a despicable smirk from ear-to-ear.
Howley: Hey…sometimes the only way to beat a guy is to make sure he never reproduces. In this case…consider me a Rambo Smarts fan.
Moss: It’s good to have you back, Thunderbird.
Howley: Shut up, Moss.
Preview of Round Two!
Back to the podium with Otto Price!
Otto Price: Wrestlings greatest prize will be determined in just a few short weeks when the REAL WORLDS CHAMPION is crowned! I’m here now to give you a preview of Round Two of the World Title Tournament as it stands now! We’ve got three matches of four locked in, with one to be determined tonight!
A large tournament bracket reveals itself after being superimposed next to Otto Price on our television screens.
Price: Next week on Classic Wrestling were going to see TWO second round matchups! I’ve just been told this will be next weeks MAIN EVENT MATCHUP! After a pair of wins, we’ll see “METRO” VITO VALENTINO going one on one with “ALL BUSINESS” ALEX BRUDER! ! Each man vying for an opportunity to move into the semi finals!
The tournament bracket shifts downward.
Price: We’re also going to see the return of SHUJIN YAMA, our very own Sumo Superstar! He’s going to try to defeat The Saint! JOHNNY SAINT NELSON! That promises to be an excellent matchup of EPIC proportions!
We move to the other side of the bracket.
Price: …Also not next week but the FOLLOWING Episode, we’re going to see a couple winners from tonight clash horns! LORD COLOSSUS the man who beat Gordy Lovett one on one tonight, will move on to face the man who JUST punched his ticket, RANDALL SCHWARTZ!
Then it moves down to the unfinished section of the bracket.
Price: We’ve still got two more match ups tonight in the first round, and the winners of each will fight that very same night! Will it be RUSH STARLING or FREDDY CHEDDA? The winner of that match will take on the winner of tonight’s Main Event! DASH DACKSON VS “FERAL” FREDDY KILGORE!, folks let’s get back to the action and see for ourselves, WHO MOVES ON!
Scott Hunter vs Tony Capone
Moss: Coming up next we’ve got the debut of two new wrestlers here in Classic Wrestling. The latest signees!
“Burning Heart” begins to play. As the crowd stands to their feet to catch a glimpse of the fan favorite as he walks out from behind the curtain.
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen coming to the ring first From Miami, Florida! Scott Hunter!!
The crowd greets him with uproarious cheering. As he strolls to the ring confidently. He confidently slides into the ring and praises the packed house. As his music quickly cuts out. “Welcome To The Jungle” blasts through the speakers.
Robbins: And his opponent, hailing from Chicago Illinois… He is the White Rock…Tony Capone!!
The jeers are deafening as he bursts through the curtain with all the confidence in the world. Playing into the crowd as he laughs at their jeers. He hops into the ring and soaks in all the attention. The Ref separates the two men and checks them for weapons.
Moss: Capone was oddly silent this past week…
Hawley: No no no, my man was just getting into the head of his opponent.
Moss: I highly doubt that was his strategy.
Hawley: You can’t be so positive all the time.
The ref signals for the bell. Capone and Hunter snarl at one another for a second before bursting out towards each other. A flurry of fists fly in either direction. Neither man is making much headway, until Hunter lands a heavy right, knocking Capone backwards. Then a resounding knife edge chop that echoes, leaving a bright red mark across the chest of Capone. Then another one. Capone is driven to the corner.
Moss: Hunter looks fired up.
Hawley: All a part of his game plan. You’ll see.
As the ref comes between the two men to break them apart, Capone goes for a thumb to the eye, but is blocked by Hunter. The ref separates them, but not wanting to miss an opportunity Capone rushes towards Hunter who takes Capone down to the mat ,before he knew what hit him, with a double leg take down. Hunter stands up quickly, and never releases a foot.
Moss: Could it be this quick?!?
Hawley: This wasn’t part of the game plan!!
Hunter spins around the leg, and sets the other one in position. And quickly locks in the Figure Four Leg Lock! Capone screams out in pain, attempting anything to break the hold, but he is forced to slam his open and on the mat. The ref calls for the bell. Hunter hears the bell and immediately lets Capone go, who is rolling on the mat holding his knee.
Robbins: The winner of this match …..Scott Hunter!!
Moss: WOW what a debut for Scott Hunter! He wasted no time making a name for himself with that win!
Hawley: He keeps that up and he’s going to get the attention of management!
The Third Is Flushed!
Moss: We have plenty of great action still on tap here on RBTV where after Classic Wrestling stay tuned for a special presentation of the Murder, She Wrote reboot “Homicide Podcaster, He Spoke”
Howley: Excited for that one! Here in Classic Wrestling things are also heating up, and I’m loving it! Boy I miss being in that ring. Wait, what’s this? Can we get some sound by our ring announcer Harold Robbins?
Standing next to the ring announcer Harold Robbins, is the petulant young man and son of an RBTV VP, the self proclaimed head of talent relations Mr. Burton Howell III.
Burt Howell: Hi Harold. I just wanted to quickly give you some quick notes. Little tidbits to make the show better. I’m not happy with the job you have been doing.
Harold Robbins: Have we met? Also the show is going on right now?
Burt Howell: I am Burton Howell the third, head of talent relations and this is important stuff. I feel like your delivery really lacks energy. Also this is a television program. Have you thought about a healthier diet?
The ring announcer is taken aback as the crowd boo’s Howells comments.
Harold Robbins: I don’t think this is the proper time for this conversation.
Burt Howell: I disagree, and I will be adding a note to your personal file.
The chubby kid makes a note in his day planner.
Burt Howell: Like last week you said….“The Saint!” Johnny [beat] Saint Nelson! When I think it would be better like THEEEEE SAINT!!! Johnnnnnny [beat] Sainnnnnnnt [beat] Nelson!! Can you hear the difference? Like this Johnnnny Sainnnnnnnnt NELSON!
The crowd jeers.
Harold Robbins: “The Saint!!” Johnnnny Saint Nelson!!!!
The crowd goes wild.
Burt Howell: No you’re doing it wrong it’s THEEEEE SAINT!!! Johnnnnnny [beat] Sainnnnnnnt [beat] Nelson!!
The crowd again jeers at the delivery from Howell and Harold notices that, playing it up, as he slowly puts the mic to his lips the crowd already starts cheering.
Harold Robbins: “The Saint!!” Johnnnny Saint Nelson!!!!
Crowd reaches a feverish pitch.
Burt Howell: You’re untrainable. I will be talking to the owner tonight. Unacceptable.
The crowd again jeers Howell as he starts stalking to the back. As he’s walking away the ring announcer addresses the crowd.
Harold Robbins: Classic Fans Give it up for Burton Howell the Turd!
The crowd laughs and starts a “turd” chant as Howell’s pauses looks back at Robbins as his face turns a bright red with rage before turning back up the ramp storming off.
Moss: Glad somebody put the little fella in his place before he starts giving us all notes.
Howley: He better not be with me. Also I don’t think he’s actually the head of talent relations. I understand he’s an intern. Hopefully we can get that clarified next week. I’ll put my team to get an answer from Mr. Jimmy Dale.
World Title Tournament Match: Rush Starling vs Freddy Chedda
Moss: Coming up next we’ve got another match in our REAL WORLDS CHAMPIONSHIP. As the always Dangerous Freddy Chedda takes on Rush Starling.
Hawley: I like the initiative of Chedda already being in the ring for this. It shows that he’s read for the task and hand, a True sign of championship material.
As the lights dim slightly “Sirius” plays as the crowd begins to get into a fever pitch. Rush comes barreling through the curtain and praises the crowd, while Chedda is in the ring jawing with the fans closest to the ring.
Moss: Sterling looks motivated and ready to go. I don’t think Chedda is in the same mindset as he’s clearly not paying attention to his opponent.
The ref stands in the middle of the ring with his arms extended.
Robbins: The following contest is for the Real Worlds Championship Tournament. To my left from Allentown Pennsylvania…. Rush Starling.
Rush holds his hands high and acknowledges the referee as he checks him for weapons.
Robbins: And to my right. Hailing from…
Before he is introduced Chedda runs toward Starling and flattens him into the corner turnbuckle. Caught off guard. Chedda grabs Starling and spins him around. Grabbing him by the hair he tries to bash Rush’s face into the top turnbuckle. As Rush’s head gets close to contact he stops the momentum with his foot on the middle turnbuckle.
Moss: Chedda tried to take an early advantage, and it looks like it’s about to backfire.
Hawley: I can’t watch.
Rush turns the tables on Chedda and slams his head off the buckle. Chedda stumbles backwards, as Sterling boots him in the gut, then quickly lifts him up and body slams him to the mat. Not wasting a moment, Rush ascends to the top turnbuckle and stands up. Raising both hands high in the air, before leaping off towards the laid out body of Chedda.
Hawley: No, not like this.
Moss: KEYSTONE DROP!
Rush drives his elbow deep in the sternum of Chedda. Rush hooks the far leg as the ref slides into position. Rush pumps his fist with each count.
Robbins: The winner of this match via pinfall and advancing to the next round…..Rush Sterling!!
World Title Tournament Match: Freddy Kilgore vs Dash Dackson
Cut to the commentary table where Moss and Howley anxiously await the match of all matches for the evening.
Moss: It’s Main Event time, Thunderbird!
Howley: Let’s be honest, Moss, everyone in this arena is here to see one thing, and one thing only…PAPA WILD THANG! FERAL…FREDDY…KILGORE!
Moss: Whoa baby! I would wager a guess that there are some Dash Dackson fans sprinkled throughout the crowd who are eagerly anticipating the arrival of their favorite rookie!
Thunderbird returns a furrowed brow riddled with curiosity toward Patrick Moss.
Howley: Can you claim a person from the future as being a rookie? Is he REALLY a rookie, Moss?
Moss: Well, he’s a rookie to all of us at Classic Wrestling and…
Howley (interrupting): Everyone in Classic is a rookie to the Thunderbird…
Joel raises his right bicep up to his face and locks his lips against a bulging vein.
The powerful riffs of Mick Mars and the ultimately legendary beats of Tommy Lee explode through the arena as “Wild Side” by Motley Crue sends Feral Freddy Kilgore, Papa Wild Thang, racing through curtains and across the stage like a God damned raging gazelle as the wrestler speeds down the ramp like an Ethopian track star! The fans are going crazy!
Cut to the commentary table where Moss’ jaw drops as a swoosh of wind blows his hair back. It’d do the same to Joel Howley, but the Thunderbird is too busy with the devil horns held high as his head bangs to the Motley Crue classic.
“Wild” Kat Diamond slowly walks out and claps as she watches Kilgore’s energetic race toward the ring.
Kilgore is several feet from the wrestling ring when he springs forward and mythically flies between the second and third ropes. The referee is nearly blown out of the ring with the force of Kilgore and the ring announcer is quick to hug the ropes in case of any blowback. Feral dives head first toward the canvas but tucks with swift agility to land on both knee pads and slide across the ring toward the opposite set of ropes. He leaps onto his feet and grips the top rope as the song hits its peak. Commence ridiculously over-caffeinated rope shaking!
Moss: Holy hotcakes, Thunderbird! Listen to these fans!
Howley: We’ve seen a lot of fantastic action tonight, but gawt damn there’s nothing that touches the impeccable scene we’ve just witnessed! What an explosion! What an entrance! Oh, and WHAT A BABE!
Diamond watches from ringside as Kilgore methodically circles inside the ring, huffing and puffing, opening and closing his fists. His teeth clench and he growls as…
Papa Wild Thing turns a glare toward the stage as the fans start to cheer.
SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!
And Dash Dackson struts out onto the stage engulfed in Queen’s epic soundtrack. Kilgore snarls as he walks toward the ropes.
Moss: As Dash makes his way to the ring – I believe it’s safe to say that we’re about to witness a pretty epic match, Thunderbird.
Howley: The thing is, Moss, I’m curious if this future fella is really capable of powering through such a wild persona like Freddy Kilgore. I’ve seen a lot of personalities in my time, but this Feral fella is up there with some of the craziest S-O-B’s I’ve ever seen. Just look at him, Mossy! Just look at him!
The red and black face painted Kilgore eyes his opponent through a layer of wet blonde spaghetti hair as the partisan crowd show their support for both Feral and Dackson. The Future Fighter walks around the ring and makes his way up the steel steps. The eyes of both men have met as Dackson wipes his boots on the ring apron before bending between the ropes and entering the ring. He removes his fashionably futuristic red and black jacket and hands it over to the referee. Papa Wild Thing is knee-high jogging toward the opposite turnbuckle while slowly raising his arms up, and down, up…and down. Freddy huffs, and puffs; he grabs onto the top turnbuckle and begins baging his head against it.
The ring announcer is centered on canvas with the microphone ready…
Harold Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL…and a thirty minute time limit. Standing in THIS corner, and weighing in at 282 pounds. He hails from THE WILD SIDE…FERAL…FREDDY…KILGORE!
Papa Wild Thing sticks his tongue out so that it drapes globbering saliva down his chin as he growls like an animal toward Dackson.
Harold Robbins: And his opponent. Weigning in at 210 pounds. He hails from (interrupted by crowd)…
Crowd: THE FUTURE!
Harold Robbins: He is THE FUTURE STAR…DASH…DACKSON!
Dackson steps forward, raises his arm in the air to a sign of support from the crowd, and then he removes his futuristic shades and sends them sailing out into a herd of fighting fans who attempt to rip them from each other’s hands to sell on eBay later this evening.
The superstars step toward each other as Harold Robbins struts backward. The referee signals for the bell as Feral immediately leaps toward Dackson and locks up!
Moss: Here we go!
Howley: This place has erupted!
Kilgore wraps his arm around Dackson for a headlock. He grinds his bicep into Dackson’s skull. Dackson slides through the hold and pushes Kilgore toward the ropes! Feral bounces off and Dackson bends forward in an attempt to flip Kilgore onto his back, but Papa Wild Thing kicks Dackson in the teeth and sends the Future Star flopping onto his back! Kilgore hops over Dackson’s body and runs toward the opposite set of ropes. He bounces off. He hurries toward Dackson and leaps in the air and drops onto Dackson like a sack of bricks! He hooks the leg and goes for a quick pinfall and the referee begins the count…
Dackson kicks out with ease and Feral is quick to peel the Future Star from the mat. Dackson reaches up and socks Kilgore in the lower jaw! Feral is up on his feet and takes a few steps back to re-adjust. Dackson spins onto his feet and the men stare at each other. They hurry toward each other again and lock up! Dackson sends a knee into Kilgore’s gut, and then Kilgore returns a knee into Dackson’s gut! Dackson eats that knee and sends a forearm into Kilgore’s head! Freddy takes a step back, wipes sweat and peeling paint from his brow, and then jolts toward Dackson and clothesline’s him! Dash hits the canvas hard and holds the back of his head. Kilgore wastes no time and hurries toward the ropes, bounces off, and delivers a crucial leg drop like a guillotine.
Moss: The difference between the two is six inches and about 70 pounds, so Dackson has his work cut out for him.
Howley: I German suplex tractor tires onto your mother, Moss. Don’t give Corbin Dallas any excuses on how to handle his opponent…
Kilgore hurries to his feet and sends an electrifying yell toward the crowd. Dash rolls onto his side and nurses his throat. Freddy spins around and immediately begins to pound his boots into Dash. He stops after about four stomps and bends forward. He lifts the Future Star onto his feet and is looking for the Gorilla Press Slam! He lifts Dash up into the air…
Moss: Yes! The display of power!
The fans are going crazy! No! Dackson immediately falls onto his feet and spins Kilgore around! The arena can feel the surprise in Feral’s eyes as he faces down at his opponent who socks him in the jaw! Dackson realizes he needs to act fast. He sidekicks Freddy in the left knee. He slaps Freddy in the face! His speed is impeccable as he then punches Freddy in the gut four times, side kicks him in the right knee, nails Kilgore with a spinning backhand to the temple, and then takes two steps back and dropkicks Feral!
Howley: 1.21 JIGGAWATS!
Freddy takes three staggering steps backward. His eyes lock on Dackson who is on one knee. Feral then…
…falls face first into the mat! Dackson wastes no time as he hurries toward the fallen Kilgore. He pulls Kilgore up to his feet and signals for the setup move, Battling the Past! No! Kilgore sends a thundering double axe handle to the back of Dackson’s head and the Future Star tumbles forward toward the ropes. Dackson hugs the bottom rope as Feral steps toward him and the referee intervenes.
Howley: Nothing can stop this man, Moss. If anything…Kilgore is going to make Dackson a legitimate “Future Star” with this match…
Kilgore stomps around the ring to ignite all the Feral Fans in attendance. Wild Kat claps outside the ring. Dackson stands up and rushes toward Kilgore! Papa Wild Thing attempts to grab hold of the Future Star with a bear hug but Dackson slides between his open legs! Dackson hurries up and then socks Kilgore in the spine! Kilgore hunches forward and nurses his back. Dackson then kicks Kilgore into the back of the knees as Feral falls to the mat in pain. Dackson turns around and rushes toward the ropes. He bounces off and heads toward Kilgore…Freddy is up! He is quick to his feet and…
Howley: THE CALL OF THE WILD! Kilgore nails Dackson with THE CALL OF THE WILD!
Kilgore hooks the leg.
Kilgore pushes Dackson’s leg away and is on one knee with his tongue hanging out. The referee sounds for the bell as the Motley Crue classic sends Kilgore into an undeniably ridiculous rampage in the ring. The fans love it, and eat it up, as Kat Diamond claps and shows off her man in the ring.
Cut to the commentary table.
Howley: See, Moss? That’s how it’s done.
Moss: Dash Dackson did his best, and let’s be honest – he put up a fight, but Feral Freddy Kilgore is heading upward and onward through the tournament and…honestly Howley…if I were anyone left in this tournament? I’d be a bit fearful of this one…
Howley: I fear no man, Moss. Except for your mother.
Moss: (Deflecting) What a night! Ladies and gentlemen, we are OUTTA TIME! We’ll see you NEXT TIME at CLASSIC WRESTLING!