Welcome to Classic Wrestling: Episode 10
“Flying High Again” by Ozzy Osbourne hits on the Studio speakers.
The CLASSIC Wrestling splash logo explodes onto your television screen as the music screeches onward at a dizzying pace. The Classic Wrestling intro begins to play across the screen in a dazzling display of audio-visual excellence! A quick flash brings the camera inside of the Classic Wrestling Studio to a crane-shot showing the pristine ring, the iconic television set, and the jam-packed bleachers full of fans placed just on the other side of the ring. The fans do their part to get the show off to a rock solid start by doing what they do best…
Losing their entire minds!
As the crowd dies down the camera lands on Otto Price at his podium. He stands poised in a suit and tie, his large round glasses reflect a bit of the light. He smiles and brings the microphone up to his mouth, ready to talk to the camera.
Otto Price: Hello Classic Wrestling fans, and welcome back to another spooky edition of Classic Wrestling television on RBTV! I’m your host, Otto Price, and joining us as always at the commentary desk is Patrick Moss, and wrestling legend Joel “Thunderbird” Howley!
The camera pans over to the commentary team who smile and wave. Well, Thunderbird flexes a bit. It moves back to Otto.
Otto Price: What a night of action we have all lined up for all the fine fans of Classic-Wrestling! We’ve got 5 big matches set up tonight for your viewing pleasure and of course we’re only to weeks from IN YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE! Our next big pay per view event! Get your tickets now for what is sure to be a sold out crowd! We know in the Main Event of the Pay Per View we’re going to see “All Business” Alex Bruder defend the Real Worlds Championship against “Metro” Vito Valentino!
The fans cheer at the match and all hope in their minds that Alex Bruder loses! These fans are not unbiased.
Otto Price: Metro is going to be in action tonight in fact, when he takes on Randall Schwartz! Also at the Pay Per View we’ll see the team of Bobby Dean and Some Man, defend their Tag Team Championships against The Foreign Legion in what is sure to be a matchup of huge proportions! In a special grudge match we’re going to see King Kong Frank and Lord Colossus finally lock horns in a Chain Match! That’s fixing to get out of hand in a hurry!
The fans cheer at the announcement of a Chain match at the big show.
Otto Price: We’ve got that plus a littany of other matches in store for you fine folks of Classic Wrestling, but let’s not forget to talk about tonight! We’ve got Holo Make vs Ricky Broadway! Will Broadway get revenge for last weeks attack? We’ ve also got a big tag team match between #1 Contenders The Foreign Legion, going against the young upstart team of Surf Express Bro!
The fans in the audience start chanting “Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!
Otto Price: We’ve got a lot of fans of the tag team right here in studio apparently! We’re also going to see Scott Hunter going head to head with Rush Starling! A very evenly matched contest! I know I’m eager to see who comes out on top! Let’s get the show on the road Classic Fans, as this is Classic Wrestling on RBTV!
Ricky Broadway vs Holo Make
The instrumental version of “Aloha ‘Oe” by Neverland in Ashes starts to play and The Pale Rider himself, Holo Make, steps out onto the stage. He looks out at the crowd, eyes wide as if taking in the people around him. He stalks down to the ring, spooking some of the audience members who get too close. Otherwise, his eyes are focused on the ring with interest.
Moss: We’ve got an interesting matchup this week Thunderbird, apparently Ricky Broadway asked for this match personally after last week Holo Make interfered in his match with Frank Chase!
Howley: Interfered? He destroyed both guys and left a path of smoke in his path… Ricky Broadway has got to be nuts!
Once he reaches ringside, Holo Make climbs onto the steps, crawling onto the apron and entering the ring. He looks to the nearest camera and grabs it. He brings it to his face, shouting “I ka mōʻī wahine ʻo Lili’uokalani” into it before shoving it back. Holo begins to pace around the ring, waiting impatiently.
Ricky Broadway: Where it began, I can’t begin to know when But then I know it’s growing strong
The guitar begins to play as Ricky Broadway comes through the curtain with microphone in hand.
Ricky Broadway: Wasn’t the spring And spring became the summer Who’d have believe you’d come along
He moves towards the fans who chuckle a bit at the song choice. They sing along anyway. Broadway entertaines with some light dancing.
Ricky Broadway: Hands, touching hands, reaching out Touching me, touching you. SWEET CAROLINE!
Fans: BAH BAH BAAAAAAH!
Robbins: Introducing first, from New York City, New York… Weighing 215 Lbs… This is RICKY BROADWAY!
The fans give him a mixed reaction as he dances in a small circle.
Robbins: and his opponent. From Hawaii, 376 Lbs… This is HOLO MAKE!
The towering Holo Make slowly walks to the center of the ring and eggs Broadway to engage with him. Holo holds a hand up high in the air, Broadway tentatively reaches up and grabs it with his own. The two men then fight for position as they grab their other hands together. Holo extends both hands into the air and lifts Broadway off the mat, but Rick was able to get a kick in the gut of the bigger man. It didn’t deter Holo at all, so Rick Tried another, and then a third one before Holo had to get him back on the ground. With their footing Rick pulls his hand right away and fires off a shot towards Holo. It staggers the big man momentarily. Broadway nails him again, this time backing the big man into the ropes. Broadway tries to whip Holo but is quickly reversed, sending Rick into the ropes to rebound. Broadway goes for a clothesline but Holo doesn’t budge and just viscerally screams at Rick. Broadway runs the ropes and this time goes for a leaping clothesline and takes the big man down to the mat. Rick leaps on the back of Holo as he was trying to get to his feet and applies a sleeper hold. Spreading his legs to make it more difficult to break the hold.
Moss: Rick Was able to take the big man down and is doing the smart thing keeping him grounded.
Howley: He isn’t going to win a slug fest with a human built like Holo.
Moss: That’s the truth. He steam rolled the man last time he was out here.
Rick begs the ref to check Holo, but as he reaches for his arm Holo slowly begins to lift himself off of the mat. Rick holds on to the sleeper hold, Holo is visibly worn. Rick slides off of his back and chops the knee of Holo. Capitalizing on the downed opponent, Rick quickly DDT’s Holo to the mat. Rolling him over Rick goes for the cover.
Holo powers out sending Rick into the air and landing face first onto the mat.
Moss: That’s the kind of power you can expect from Holo Make!
Howley: I Fear for anyone that has to step into ring with him on a bad day.
Moss: Do you think he has many good days?
Howley: For the sake of Classic Wrestling I sure hope so.
Holo gets to his feet as Rick once again goes for a second chop block of Holo’s knee, but at the last second Holo lifts his leg and Rick lands directly under him. One huge stomp to the small of Rick’s back has him in pain. Holo then presses his foot on his back and puts all his weight on it. The ref slides into position and asks Rick If he wants to give up, and he doesn’t. Holo releases the pressure and lifts Rick up by the hair. Swinging his arms wildly Rick accidentally hits the ref, who quickly turns around and checks his face. Sensing the moment Rick drops down to a knee and low blows Holo, who hunches over.
Howley: All is fair in love and war!
Moss: A blatant low blow.
Howley: How can it be blatant if the ref didn’t see it? Think Mossy!
Moss: Now I’m not sure he didn’t hit the ref on purpose l!
Rick thumbs Holo in the eye and runs the ropes once again. As he leaps towards Holo he is caught, and immediately slammed to the mat is a sidewalk slam. Holo shakes his head and gets to his feet he gets Rick into a seated position at his feet. He raises a closed fist high in the air and cold cocks Broadway on the top of the head sending him to the mat in a crumpled heap.
Moss: Well this isn’t going to be pretty.
Howley: You can say that again.
Holo stalks Rick as he is slow to get to his feet. A dazed Broadway turns around and is met by a running headbutt to the chest.
Moss: AINA I KA PONO! That’s twice in two weeks. Holo has made his point.
Howley: Hit it flush and did you see how he got off the mat for that? I’m impressed.
Holo goes for the pin, hooking both legs.
He rolls off of Broadway and looks directly at the crowd with purpose. Grabbing the top rope he pulls himself up, and over it. Not waiting for the Referee to raise his hand in victory.
Moss: An impressive win from Holo Make in this one for sure!
Howley: I’m glad we got to see more out of Broadway though this week, he has a future here in Classic Wrestling!
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner by pinfall…. HOLO MAKE!
Lord Colossus v Harry Chest & Dash Dackson
#Let it Rock#
The house lights flicker as Bon Jovi plays throughout the venue. The slow build of the guitar riff primes the crowd for the appearance of their hero in spandex!
At the song’s apex, Harry Chest walks out on stage sporting his flashy smile and signature heroically caped attire.
He marches to the ring and misses most hand slaps with the fans. His hair is gelled back and his chest is pushed out with pride.
A tuft of iconic chest hair protrudes from the top of his combat suit collar. The word ‘CHEST’ runs across his pectorals in fuzzy felt lettering. Harry Chest ascends into the ring where his demeanor changes to a serious one as he waits for his partner.
Flash Gordon starts on the PA as smoke bellows on the stage. A spotlight zeroes in on the center of the stage where Dash is knelt down. In time with the music, he stands up and puts his hands in the air. His trusty robot companion, Hello World, wheels behind him as Dash slaps hands with some fans as he makes his way to the ring. He rolls into the ring and does a very exaggerated point and shouts “THE FUTURE!”. Both men shake hands.
Moss: The last time these two teamed up they scored a draw with the Surf Express Bro team, and Dash Dackson was very visibly upset with the results!
Howley: It’s almost like the sanctity of the entire space-time continuum is at stake!
Moss: Do what?
Howley: I don’t know, flux capacitor? Is that a thing?
Ripping bass riffs and a brief burst of snare heralds the entire mood that is Motorhead.
#Ace of Spades#
Walter Whezl pops out from behind the curtain first to a cavalcade of derision.
Moss: This guy…
Howley: You’re just jealous!
Moss: Of what could I possibly be jealous?
Howley: How about that beautiful, luxurious flowing cape?
This hushes noticeably as Lemmy begins to intone about snake eyes watching you and Lord Colossus steps out. Whezl points at the big man who is wearing a studded leather vest and armbands over his one-shoulder black wrestling singlet. Blonde curls poke out from under his leather hood under a 1970s style hockey mask. A Black Gorget wraps his throat. He slowly makes his way down to the ring, before handing off his vest and armbands to Whezl, stepping _over_ the top rope and moving to his appointed corner.
Moss: Well, what do you think about this match-up, T-bird?
Howley: These two goofs couldn’t put away those two skinny beach bums, there’s no way in the purple void of hell that they’re gonna make it past Colossus!
Moss: The… what? Have you been drinking the Kool-aid again?
DING! DING! DING!
Colossus, having not moved an inch from his corner, continues to loom like a towering monolith while Dash and Harry take one last minute to go over “the plan.” The Superhero doesn’t look convinced, but he steps out and allows the Temporal Knight to start for the Body of Law! Dash, like many before him, rushes in and tries to get the jump on the big man to absolutely no avail. He attempts a headlock, a hip toss, and a bodyslam before Colossus even registers that a wrestling match is happening and he’s involved!
Whezl cackles like an insane person at ringside.
Dash turns a pleading glance at referee Chip Newman who answers it with a clear gesture that says “leave me out of it!” Redoubling his efforts Dash hits the far ropes and throws a picture-perfect futuristic dropkick that Colossus swats away like so many gnats on a sweltering summer afternoon. Dackson slaps the mat in disgust as he scrambles to his feet in the corner where Harry Chest makes a command decision and tags himself in.
Howley: Uh-oh, is that more trouble in paradise I’m seeing?
Chest pays it no mind and enters the ring, stalking up to the Void Monster and sticks a superhero finger in his face! He starts to chastise the Wastelander but is stopped in his tracks when Colossus grabs his finger, curiously nods his head and then snaps the finger right out of place!
Moss: OH MY! I’M GONNA BE SICK!
Harry screeches, as one would expect, and then he digs deep and snaps that bad boy right back into place with a very audible snapping sound before winding up and unloading a huge right hand to the face of Colossus!
Howley: That idiot! He’s gonna re-unbreak his hand!
Moss: Say that one more time, slower, and with real words.
Colossus takes a swipe at the Superhero but Harry is quick with a barrel roll followed by a superman styled leap toward his corner, where Dash Dackson is quick to slap the tag while Harry rolls out to attend to his mangled hand! Dash leaps up to the top rope and springboards into the ring at terminal velocity! He connects square chest to chest but Colossus doesn’t so much as flinch before catching him and driving him down over a colossal knee and letting him drop to the mat in back-broken agony!
Howley: It’s been pretty one-sided so far, Moss!
Moss: I have no counter for that.
Lord Colossus continues the assault, meanwhile Hello World is spinning himself around in circles on the floor and Walt Whezl is at his wits end trying to keep an eye on everyone in the situation in case he needs to come to his mighty Lord’s aid for any reason.
This goes on for several moments.
Eventually, after a thrashing, Colossus dumps Dash into his corner and allows the Time Commando to tag out to his partner. As Harry Chest hops in and tries once more to take it to their colossal foe Dash takes some time on the apron to catch his breath. He looks down to Hello World who, in all of his robot glory, has the pained look on his mechanical face of an out of control AI running every possible scenario simultaneously in order to be of service.
Howley: What goin’ on with that creepy over-blown action figure?
Moss: You mean Hello World?
Howley: It has a name?
Having completed his calculations, Hello World apparently decides that the proper course of action is to eject his own steel hand and place it on the apron beside Dash. Dackson looks at the hand, and back to Hello World, considering.
Moss: What’s this, now?
Howley: It’s funny business, Moss! Funny business I tell ya!
Slowly, Dash bends down as inconspicuously as possible and grabs the steel robotic appendage. He considers it again, before quickly hiding it behind his back just in the nick of time before the referee turned an eye in his direction.
The match goes on, Harry Chest having about as much luck as Dash was with Lord Colossus. After a bit more frustration Dash reaches in and calls for the tag back in.
Moss: I’m not believing what I’m seeing, Joel!
Howley: Maybe now you’ll start listening when I tell you something!
Chest manages to make the tag, and just as he’s stepping out and Dash is stepping in Harry sees a glint of steel out of the corner of his eye!
Harry Chest: Dash! What do you think you are going to do with this?
Dash: Whatever it takes!
Dash goes to step towards the now approaching Lord Colossus but Harry manages to pull the steel from Dash’s hand.
Harry Chest: Not like this! We are the Body of Law-
Before Dash can argue, he is grabbed by Lord Colossus and thrown across the ring. Knowing his liege and seeing the chaos unfold, Walt Whezl picks now as the best time to hop up onto the apron and make a big enough ruckus to distract the referee! Harry Chest tries to step in to intervene against this, too, and eats a giant boot for his troubles that sends him tumbling from the ring.
Moss: It’s breaking down here in the Classic TV Studios!
Howley: They ought to change the name to Chaotic Wrestling! Get it?
Moss: IS THAT KING KONG FRANK?
Howley: IT IS! AND HE’S GOT THE CHAIN!
Frank, having materialized at ringside like some sort of voodoo hillbilly, grabs Whezl off of the apron and violently down to the floor! Before he can so much as squeal Frank plants a size 15 bare foot on Walt’s neck, immobilizing him, and reaches down and hogties the caped creeper! There is a huge grin on Frank’s face as Lord Colossus has watched this all unfold from inside the ring!
Moss: Wait a minute, what is Dackson up to now?
Turns out that as all of this chaos swirled around him, Dash had put together his master plan. Just as Colossus bellows down at Frank to unhand his familiar, Dash put everything he had into tattooing the big man in the back of the head with that steel hand! And again!
Colossus goes down to a knee.
Howley: GET UP! GO HELP WALT! EAT THIS MARTY MCFLY LOOKIN’ DORK! DO SOMETHING!
Dash hits the ropes and unleashes a final blow to the head that puts LC down! Dackson, unable to believe that any of this was working, is quick to stuff the offending international object deep down into the front of his tights! He hops onto Lord Colossus and pulls the referee’s attention away from King Kong Frank at ringside and back to the action inside the ring!
DING! DING! DING!
Moss: What just happened here, Joel?
Howley: It looks like ol’ Dash Theodore Logan just stole one from the giant Colossus!
From the floor, Harry Chest saw it all unfold. He stares up at Dackson celebrating in the ring with disgust written all over his super-heroic face. Meanwhile Frank has left the area, leaving Walt tied up like a grease-pained Christmas present for Lord Colossus.
Moss: We’ve got us a situation here!
Howley: Looks to me like we got more than one!
We return from commercial break to find Otto Price standing in front of the entrance way with a mic in hand.
Otto Price: Ladies and gentlemen, in less than fourteen days my next guest will challenge for the Classic Premier American Championship… let’s hear it for “FERAL”! FREDDY! KILLLLLLGORE!!!!
The fans in the arena are on their feet as Freddy Kilgore, dressed in full wrestling attire, appears behind Otto.
Moss: It wasn’t long ago that we were questioning whether or not Freddy Kiglore would ever step into a wrestling ring ever again… but two weeks ago he returned to make his intentions known: he wants to slam Shujin Yama – the man who put him on the shelf!
Howley: Yeah, and how did that work out for him?
Kilgore walks in front of Price, cupping his hands to his mouth and leaning back to let loose a feral HOOOOOOWLLLLLL that is answered by all his Wildhearts in the arena. Kilgore grins from ear to ear before his face resumes it’s usual almost unhinged intensity. Freddy steps back to take position next to Otto.
Otto Price: Freddy Kilgore – fans across the world were concerned and worried about you following an attack by Shujin Yama weeks ago.
Freddy Kilgore: Let me lay it on ya, OTTO-MAAAAANNN!!
A cheer from the crowd!
Freddy Kilgore: I heard your calls. I read your letters. I saw your posts. From the bottom of my soul, my Wildhearts, I heard you! I thank you! It’s because of you…. THAT FREDDY KILGORE IS BACK, JACK!
Another round of cheers and Kilgore flexes again.
Otto Price: You’re back indeed… but in what condition? Can you make good on your promise to slam the behemoth Shujin Yama?
Freddy Kilogre: Otto-Bot, Freddy Kiglore doesn’t make promises that can’t deliver on, baby. Shujin Yama should’ve finished the job when he had the chance, my man, because he made one big mistake. HE LET FREDDY KILGORE LIVE, BABY!!! AND IT’S GONNA TAKE A HECK OF A LOT MORE THAN EIGHT MILLION POUNDS OF JAPANESE POUND CAKE SLAMMING INTO MY TORSO TO KEEP PAPA WILD THANG DOWN!! I HAVE SKINNED ALLIGATORS ALIVE, BABY! I HAVE SWAM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE DEEPEST OCEANS, I’VE LOOKED THOSE GIANT SQUID IN THE EYES, BABY, AND I’VE TIED THEM INTO A KNOT!! THERE IS NO MONSTER ALIVE THAT PUTS IN MY HEART, OTTO PRICE, AND THAT INCLUDES SHUJIN YAMA!!!
Kilgore is looking directly into the camera. It spans in closer onto his painted face.
Freddy Kilgore: I WANT YOU TO LISTEN REAL WELL, YAMA! AND YOU TOO LINCOLN! IN YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE, YOU’RE GONNA RUN INTO A BRICK WALL!! YOU CAN TRY YOUR TRICKS, YOU CAN TRY YOUR TREATS, YOU CAN TRY IT ALL – BUT THE ONLY THING THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN IS YOU’RE GONNA GET SLAMMED THROUGH THE MAT, BABY! NO WITCHES BREW, NO GHOULISH FIEND, NO MUMMY’S CURSE IS GONNA SAV YOU, YAMA! WHEN FREDDY KILGORE WRAPS HIS CHISELED ARMS AROUND YOUR BULBOUS BODY, CALLS UPON THE STRENGTH OF THE OLD GODS, ELECTRICITY IS GONNA FLOW THROUGH HIS VEINS AND AS YOU DANGLE IN THE AIR, KICKING THOSE FAT LITTLE LEGS OF YOURS FOR ALL THEY’RE WORTH, PAPA WILD THANG IS GONNA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HELPLESS, BABY, AND TAKE BACK HIS PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP FOR ALL HIS WILDHEARTS!
With that, Kilgore leans back and unleashes a second howwwwwwwwwwl that is answered by the fans. Kilgore again steps in front of Price and again begins flexing at the fans who are going absolutely banana for Papa Wild Thang. Kilgore starts to slap the hands of the fans in the front row as Otto looks into the camera to sign off.
Otto Price: Sounds like Freddy Kilgore thinks he’s ready to go. Back to you.
Surf Express Bro vs Foreign Legion
The fans come alive as Nothing But A Good Time by Poison plays in the studio. Through the curtain come the two smiling young wrestlers. They slap hands with the fans and do some dancing with an older fan at ring side. After the trio finish their air guitar solos the Surf Express Bros roll into the ring and high five one another.
The sound is quickly replaced by the not so happy tones of New World Symphony, 4th Movement by Antonin Dvorak and the number one contender for the Classic Wrestling, Tag Team Championships come through the curtain, led by none other than their manager, Eddie Dante. The pair of formidable foes move slowly and calculated to the ring.
Robbins: Ladies and gentlemen the following matchup is a tag team match and is scheduled for one fall with a 15 minute time limit! Already in the ring, hailing from Picadello, Idaho, this is the team of Bowie Abrams and Bradlee Nelson…. SURF EXPRESS BRO!
The fans cheer as the pair come out of their corner and wave at the fans. Robbins switches gears.
Robbins: and their opponents, weighing in at a combined 532 LBS… this is Mushigahara and Leon Van Zandt…. THE FOREIGN LEGION!
The fans boo after Eddie Dante demands that they cheer.
After some consultation, Bradlee and Leon Van Zandt take to their respective corners and we see that Bowie and Mushigahara are going to get started here. The bell rings and the pair begin to circle one another, all the while Eddie Dante barks at Bowie about how small he is and how he’s about to be squished. Mushigahara opens the ropes and gives Bowie one more chance to leave unscathed. Abrams shakes his head determinedly.
Howley: Nice of him to give the Surfer Bros an out, but these guys have more guts than brains apparently Moss!
Moss: We don’t know the Surf Express Bro to back down from anyone!
The pair go to lock up in the middle of the ring but Bowie ducks under Mushigahara and turns him around. With a big right hand the much smaller wrestler shocks the big man who holds his nose before getting extremely angry. He marches in towards Bowie again and the same thing happens once again. This time Mushiahara backs into the wrong corner and finds himself right next to Bradlee. He comes right back out of the corner towards Bowie who goes to duck a third time but Mushi raises a knee and catches him instead.
Howley: Uh Oh!
A few clubbing blows by Mushigahara before a huge right uppercut sends Bowie flying up in the air before slamming into the mat. Mushi takes full control of the match using his clubbing style for a few moments. He beats Bowie in the corner, then slams him down with a huge body slam in the center of the ring. Bradlee tries getting the fans behind his partner on the apron. He claps in rhythmic fashion and it isn’t long before everyone in the arena in clapping…
Howley: Will you stop Moss, you’re supposed to be unbiased!
Mushi ignores the fans and picks Bowie back up and sends him running off the ropes. Mushigahara tries to take his head off with a huge boot, but Bowie ducks under. The fans collectively hold their breath as he bounces off the other side. On the return Bowie dives and drills a flying crossbody block to Mushigahara that takes him down! The fans come unglued!
Bowie rolls right off the big man and out of the ring. He hops back up on the apron and runs to his corner. He climbs the top rope and tags in Bradlee! Bradlee comes in and as Mushi goes to get up off the ground Bradlee drills him with a dropkick sending him right onto his back. Bowie comes off the top rope with his huge Frog Splash!
Moss: Contact High Splash! That’s going to be it!
Bowie rolls out of the ring and Bradlee goes for the pin. The fans jump to their feet as the official slides into position.
Leon Van Zandt goes to break up the pin with an elbow drop, but Bradlee rolls off just in time!
Moss: He hit his own partner with that one!
Bradlee is up before Van Zandt and sends him over the top rope to the outside. Both of the Surf Express Bro climb opposite corners… Mushigahara is up to a knee and stands and turns right into Bradlee flying through the air!
Moss: FIRE IT UP MISSLE DROPKICK!
Bowie jumps right after and lands it again flush on the biggest man in the match….
Howley: CONTACT HIGH AGAIN!
Bowie stands up to ward off Leon Van Zandt and Bradlee makes the cover, the official slides into position and makes the count…
The Surf Express Bro pick up the win and stand up and hug one another.
Moss: Surf Express Bro just upset the number one contenders for the Classic Wrestling Tag Team Championship! This is a huge win for this team!
Harrold Robbins makes the official announcement as they Eddie Dante walks away shaking his head from his tag team. He’s clearly disgusted with this performance. Poison hits the PA system as the bros make their way to the back.
Leon Van Zandt gets up and makes his way to Mushi, but even the God Beast is upset with this one and pushes his partner away.
Howley: Uh Oh, where does this leave The Foreign Legion heading into their tag team title match at In Your Haunted House!?
Land Of The Lost
The camera heads on backstage to where a young woman wearing a tan coat, pants and hat straight out the Charles Boyle family collection is roaming the halls.
Dr. Graves: Joe? Joe! Come along! We have mysteries that must be unearthed and we can’t do that if you don’t follow along!
Behind her, the towering/lumbering form of one “Jurassic” Joe Stone walks behind her in his sabre-toothed tiger pelt and fur wrestling gear with massive wooden club in hand. Though he is not booked on tonight’s action-packed card, one can tell that they appear to have kept busy.
Joe Stone: I want go! Turnbuckles not chew themselves!
Dr. Graves: NO! BAD JOE! YOU LEAVE THEM AL… AH!
When she finally notices the camera on her, she jumps back, slightly startled. She takes a moment to compose herself and then turns Joe around to face the camera.
Dr. Graves: Oh, dear! My sincerest apologies, we didn’t see you there. My name is Doctor Selah Graves, world-renowned archaeologist with no less than THREE PhD’s… and a budding wrestling manager. And this is my colleague, Joe Stone. Say hello to the fans, Joe.
The Wrestler That Time Forgot says nothing and offers little more than a disinteresting grunt.
Dr. Graves: Never you mind, Joe, we will get back to your manners lessons later. Two weeks ago, Joe Stone picked up his first win and as such, we were given what I’m being told is the (air quotes) winner’s purse. While I was disappointed that the money was not given to us in an actual purse I could have used for my personal effects instead of this years-old satchel I was given in my travels across Europe… We were pleased with our earnings. Funding our research into the origins of professional wrestling is no easy task, but rest assured, we will see this through.
She pulls out a magnifying glass from said satchel and looks right into the camera.
Dr. Graves: Though Joe was not booked on tonight’s card for further funding, Joe and myself have been tasked with exploring a new mystery. My expertise doesn’t lie solely in wrestling cavemen… but also extends to other facets of our past. Who are we? Why are we here? Where did man originate from? I’ve even delved into investigations of the occult, the ethereal, the supernatural. And that is where my research takes us next…
She points to a poster on the nearby wall for Classic Wrestling’s upcoming In Your (Haunted) House special.
Dr. Graves: There, Joe. For us to accrue further funding, our research takes us here. I am vexed that Vito “Metro” Valentino and “All Business” Alex Bruder will be wrestling for the Real World’s Championship in an arena that seems to be teeming with ghostly energies or (more air quotes) “haunted” if you will. You and I, Joe…
She walks up to the poster, scanning it with the magnifying glass.
Dr. Graves: We will solve this mystery!
Joe Stone: RAAAAAHHHHHHHH! MOAR TURNBUCKLES!!!
Dr. Graves: …Oy.
Rush Starling vs Scott Hunter
Moss: We’re back, right here in the Classic Studio, and we’ve got Scott Hunter ready for action inside the ring!
The opening roar of “Sirius” by the Alan Parsons Project begins to hum across the Classic Studio. The crowd begins to rise up on their feet cheering as a fog machine does its job pumping out a white smoke that fills the entrance area.
Howley: And here comes his opponent!
DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUH
A white strobe begins to flicker through the thick fog as Rush Starling walks out to the roar of the fans in attendance. He doesn’t waste time and marches towards the ring slapping hands with fans and making sure to grab a fan sign of support to wave, rallying the crowd.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen this next match is scheduled for one fall, with a 15 minute time limit! In this corner, from Miami Florida, Weighing in at 245 lbs. this is SCOTT HUNTER!
Hunter steps out of the corner to a mostly positive reaction.
Robbins: and his opponent, Weighing 240 lbs… from Allentown, Pennsylvania, this is RUSH STARLING!
The fans cheer loudly as he waves to the studio audience.
As the bell rings Rush lives up to his name and rushes towards Hunter. A quick clothesline takes Hunter down. He quickly pops up and is taken down again with another clothesline. Hunter pops up and ducks the third one and trips Rush. Holding onto a foot. Hunter turns around on the foot, but is kicked away. Hunter looks at Rush and smiles holding up two fingers close together. Rush nods and gets to his feet. The two men trade blows back and forth.
Moss: It was almost over right there.
Howley: I wish it was. Now we gotta watch these two glad hand each other.
Moss: It’s going to be a good match.
Howley: Yeah we will see about that.
Rush gets the upper hand in the exchange, driving Hunter into the corner. He puts a few shoulders into the gut of Hunter before chopping at his chest. The crowd WOOOO’s with every chop. In between Hunter grabs his chest and bellows in pain. Rush lifts Hunter to a seated position on the top turnbuckle and climbs up to the middle rope with him. He reaches back and throws a punch but Hunter was able to get an arm up to block it. Then a quick headbutt leaves both men dazed. Hunter fires off a shot to the side of Rush’s head. He waves his arm before landing flat on his back from the middle rope. Hunter stands on the middle rope and leaps off.
Moss: Hunter from the middle rope!
Howley: That’s gonna leave a mark!
Hunter crashes a leg drop that gets the lower half of Rush and goes for a pin.
Rush kicked out before there was any doubt. Hunter picks up Rush and whips him into the corner. Hunter runs at him and leaps but crashes hard as Rush dodges out of the way. Rush capitalizes on the situation and slams Hunters head into the top turnbuckle. Grabbing him from behind and executing a belly to back suplex, leaving Hunter in the center of the ring. Rush takes a deep breath and climbs to the top rope. He points towards the sky and leaps off.
Howley: IT’S OVER!
Hunter rolls out of the way at the last second. Narrowly avoiding the top rope elbow drop. Rush clutches his elbow. Hunter gets to his feet and begins to work over the legs of Rush.
Moss: Smart move. Take the legs away and you don’t have to worry about him flying again.
Howley: Pretty sure he’s working towards something.
Driving a knee into the back of Rush’s leg and holding it there and cranking back. In a split second Hunter turns and rotates and locks it in.
Moss: FIGURE FOUR!
Howley: Dead center of the ring.
Moss: Hunter has nowhere to go.
Hunter keeps his leverage with his arms extended. Rush tries to roll it over to reverse the pressure. Biting into the back of his hand Rush tries one more time to roll it over. AND DOES!
Moss: Now it’s back onto Hunter!
Hunter claws at the mat and tries to break the hold but Rush has him in a bad place. Hunter tries to roll it back over. But Rush blocks it. Hunter’s hand is hovering over the mat, when with one last burst he tries to roll it over.
Howley: Son of a…
Moss: HUNTER’S ROLLED IT BACK OVER!
Hunter has the top once again, and Rush is all but worn out. He tries and tries to fight it off for as long as he could but eventually he taps out to the pain.
The bell rings and the fans are shocked!
Moss: What a statement win!
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner by submission, SCOTT HUNTER!
Hunter gets up and puts his arms up in the air in victory. He has to hold onto the ropes for support as his legs are a little weak.
Howley: Scott Hunter had just a little more determination this week, what a match though!
Vito Valentino vs Randall Schwartz
The famous guitar solo opening of the Eagles’ classic “Life in the Fast Lane” hits the speakers and the crowd goes bananas! Vito “Metro” Valentino makes his way down to the ringside area, wearing a green, white, and red, short-legged singlet, with black fingerless gloves and white boots with the letters “VV” written in classic cursive handwriting on each side.
Moss: Alright folks it’s time for our main event! Big matchup for both guys here and a chance to propel them to the next level!
Howley: That’s right Moss, anytime you’re in the main event and it’s not a title match, it’s because you’re being considered for one! It’s time to step up, or shut up!
With a fist in the air, he stops at the steps where the roar of the crowd washes over him like a warm blanket. After pounding the steps three times for good luck, he quickly gets into the ring, ascends a turnbuckle, and raises another fist for the crowd. Climbing back down, he stretches his arms, shoulders, and neck as he awaits the bell to ring.
March and Fanfare by The Bobs plays and Vito waits patiently for his opponent to come through the curtain. After a few seconds he hasn’t appeared.
Moss: Where’s Randall Schwartz?
Howley: He’s waiting for the crescendo!
Suddenly the apron moves on the side of the ring with the fans, and out crawls Randall Schwartz on all fours. He peaks over the apron and sees that Vito is faced the other way. The Hollywood socialite makes his move, sneaks in the ring and pulls something out of his tights.
Moss: Is that a roll of quarters?
Howley: No! I’m sure it’s some sort of athletic tape he’s holding. Probably a lucky charm, or some sort of athletic support…
Schwartz turns Vito around and clocks him with that fist holding the object. Quarters go flying around the ring.
Moss: You were saying?
Howley: He must have had to make a deposit after the show, classic mistake!
The official gets on Randall about the weapon attack but Schwartz contends that the match hasn’t begun yet. The bell hasn’t rang so he can’t be disqualified for it. The official thinks about it and is forced to accept that it’s true. Randall tells him to ring the bell and get the match started.
The fans boo loudly at this.
Howley: I like this guy’s style, he’s going to steal one right here!
Moss: I don’t like it at all!
Kevin Clady signals for the bell. Randall immediately jumps on top of Vito, who’s holding his head. Lifting the leg, he completes the pin attempt.
Randall Schwartz can’t believe it. He looks panicked. He gets up and immediately begins to argue with the official, thinking he had it won. Vito slowly gets up using the ropes. Randall spots him and reaches back into his tights again, he’s got another roll of quarters!
Howley: He must own some vending machines Moss.
Running at Metro and swings for the fences but Valentino ducks! The roll of quarters goes flying over the top rope and towards the curtain. It bursts open and the change clatters loudly all over the floor. The fans cheer loudly at the missed attempt. Vito tries to attack Randall but he’s still a little dazed from the initial shot. Schwartz blocks a left and kicks Vito in the gut. He sends Metro into the turnbuckle and follows up with a clothesline in the corner. Vito stumbles out of the corner and Randall grabs his head and does a neckbreaker. Metro holds his neck in pain on the mat.
Moss: Now it seems The Entertainer is in firm control of this match. He’s followed up his big shot with quite a bit more offense than we usually see out of him! Vito meanwhile needs an opening!
That opening doesn’t come for a few minutes until Schwarts goes upto the second rope and jumps off, looking for a leg drop. Metro is able to roll out of the way leaving Schwartz holding his backside and being laughed at. Both men take their time to get up and when they meet, Vito is able to block a shot and deliver one back, and another, and another. Vito steps back and hooks Randall and lifts him up for a suplex. He holds him in the air for awhile… The fans begin to count out loud. After about 10 seconds Vito drops Schwartz down to the mat.
Howley: Valentino showing off the size disparity in this match! Which has somehow happened during every Randall Schwartz match!
Moss: What are you trying to say Thunderbird?
Howley: That guy is tiny!
Vito is able to drop a knee into the back of The Entertainers back. He then hits a quick forearm to the same area. When Vito goes to grab both legs of Randall he panics and struggles to get free from Metro. He pulls Metro in and then pushes back away, launching off the Italian. Randall scurries to the ring apron and points to his head. He climbs to the top rope and as Vito gets up, he jumps towards him with a double ax handle smash!
Howley: Here he comes!
He comes down and Vito drops to a single knee, When Randall lands he lands right on top of it with a self inflicted reverse atomic drop.
Moss: And there he goes!
Howley: That’s gotta hurt! He landed right on his Schwartz!
The fans laugh loudly at the events in the ring as the afflicted hops around holding his netheregion.
Vito grabs the legs and pulls them out from under his opponent, steps over and turns the hold over!
Moss: He’s got it locked in! The Metro Avenue Deathlock!
It only takes a few seconds before Randall yells at the referee that he gives up.
The bell rings and Vito releases the hold right away. He pats Schwartz on the back twice and begins to celebrate as his music hits. He moves to the corner and stand on the second rope and yells out towards the fans, they respond in kind, cheering him on.
Robbins: Your winner by Submission, “METRO” VITO VALENTINO!
Moss: That man is going into In Your Haunted House to face the champion! Will he be as successful as he was tonight, or will “All Business” walk out of the pay per view with the gold!
Howley: Speak of the devil!
Alex Bruder comes through the curtain, he’s wearing a suit and the championship around his waist. With his hands on his hips the Champion takes one final opportunity to size up his challenger. He steps into the ring, Vito notices him getting in. The pair stand nose to nose and Bruder begins barking at Valentino. Metro smiles and gives some back as the fans get on their feet excited by what might happen next.
Moss: Folks were out of time, tune into In Your Haunted House live on Pay Per View, October 31st to see this clash amongst many many more! It’s going to be a huge night of action with every championship on the line! For Thunderbird Howley, I’m Patrick Moss, thanks for tuning in folks!